Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 10

“The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.” ~ Bertrand Russell 


        Dear LA friends and lovers of really good theater…I’m horrendously overcommitted to participate in the massive semi-annual Antaeus summer classical workshop festival, which this year runs from Thursday July 6th until Sunday, August 13th at our 50-seat air-conditioned Antaeus Studio Theatre at 4900 Vineland Avenue in North Hollywood.  

        It’s called “Classicsfest” and will comprise of 20 staged presentations of plays in consideration for future seasons with 120 actors and a dozen talented directors. Tickets are only $10 per show and all-event festival passes will be available @ $100.  Call 1-866-822-4111 or visit THEATREMANIA.COM or for more info please contact 818-506-5436 or

        I will opening the Festival this Thursday, July 6th at 8pm, as Sir Timothy Bellboys (doubling with Armin Shimerman) in the uproarious English piece, “A Penny for a Song” directed by Meryl Friedman; and you’ll also catch me as Herr Schaff in the Brian Friel adaptation of Turgenev’s “A Month in the Country,” directed by Tom Moore, running from Thursday, July 20th through a Sunday matinee at 3pm on the 23rd.

        At this point, I’m also scheduled to perform on July 13 and 14 in  “Prince Poupon Needs a Wife,” adapted by Oscar Mandel from Marivaux’s “Double Inconstancy” and directed by Brendon Fox, and also in the original Moliere-inspired musical, “Oh, George” by Matt Goldsby with my wife Melinda on Saturday August 5th at 3pm.

        Kristin will also be seen in an Academy evening and Peterson & Proctor (AKA “Funk & Mondaigne) will be seen in supporting roles to guest artist John Cullum and his son, JD, in “The Dresser” on July 25th and 26th.

        As one of our co-artistic directors, Jeanie Hackett says, “Every year when we do this thing, people who planned to only come to one show end up coming to everything. It makes Antaeus a company not just made up of actors, but of audiences too.  It’s a big group of people coming together with a real passion for classical theater.”

   “Sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane is Mel Brooks.” ~ Essayist Mary Gordon


"Two dogs are standing together in the yard. The first dog says Woof!" the other replies "Moo!" the first dog is perplexed.

"’Moo’? Why did you say 'moo’?” he asks.

The other dog says, "I’m trying to learn a foreign language."

        This is a joke by the indefatigable Mel Brooks who has just turned 80 and is still laughing all the way to the bank! I had the pleasure of being directed by Mel several years ago to overdub the huge French comedy success “Les Visiteurs” into English.  

Brooks thought it was funnier if we all spoke with French accents, but the dialogue was very rapid, so when they had their first preview in Encino, they audience thought it was actually in French.  Mel raced up to the projectionist and yelled at him to turn up the volume, but then it just sounded like really LOUD French to them.

The project was scrapped; and all of us who worked on it, including the late Hamilton Camp, never saw or  ‘eard eet.

       The original title of “Star Wars” was “The Adventures of Luke Starkiller, as taken from The Journal of the Whills.”~  Phil’s Phunny Phacts


Four United States Presidents get caught up in a global-warming-induced tornado and are whirled off to the land of OZ. They stagger into the Emerald City and finally get an appointment with the Great Wizard.

" What brings the four of you before the great and Powerful Oz?"  He booms.

Jimmy Carter inches forward and timidly says, "I've come for some courage."

"No Problem!” said the Wizard. Who's next?"

Richard Nixon oozes up, flashes his infamous peace signs and says, jowls shaking,  "The Jews say I need a heart."

“Done!” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the All Powerful Oz?"

Dubya pushed his way to the front and says, “Well, your Oznosity, "I'm told by my advisors that I could really use a brain.”

"No problem!” said the Wizard.  “Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, shuffling his feet and looking at the floor.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well? And what do you want?"

"Uh, sir,” Says Bill shyly, “Is Dorothy here?"

     “The real name of the Wizard of Oz is Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emanuel Ambroise Diggs” ~ A Factoid by Eddie Deezen


A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No." Surprised, the young man reached for her and the lovemaking resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and gently asks..."So, you finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."  Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again... "So, you finish?" Hardly able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian...”

    “We are more valuable than any of the younger generations: We have silver in our hair, gold in our teeth, stones in our kidneys, lead in our feet and we’re loaded with natural gas. “ ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


I_________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of posturing politicians, or lawyers and/or doctors interested in simply running up the bills or protecting their butts from malpractice suits. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of these:

          A Martini, a Margarita, a Crown Royal on the rocks or a Bloody Mary

          A Cold Beer or Glass of Red Wine

          A Caffe’ Latte'

          A Steak or Hamburger

          Shrimp, Crab, Steamed Clams or Sushi

          The Remote Control

          Dark Chocolate

          Mexican Food of any type

         Sex, in some form

               (It should be presumed that I won't be getting better.)  

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and go have a few beers or a martini on me.  I have created the “Beer/Martini Trust Fund” for this purpose.

Signed______     (Date or significant other)

“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.“  ~  Will Rogers


Rush Limpbaugh reported this week that The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and, of

course, Ibepokin. Pizer Corp. announced today that the drug will soon be available in easy to swill liquid form as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally “pour himself a stiff one.” Obviously we can no longer call this a “soft” drink, and it brings new meaning to "cocktails", "highballs" and any old-fashioned "stiff” drink.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount’n’Do.”

“American soldiers who went to Iraq to fight for our freedom are in the wrong place.  They should have gone to Washington.” ~ Phillip Frey, LA Times Letters


The day after her husband disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage woman answered her door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry, Mrs. Wilkens, but we have some information about your husband," said one trooper. “Tell me! Did you find him?!" she shouted. The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mrs. Wilkens said, "I guess you'd better give me the bad news first."  The trooper said, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, ma'am, but this morning we found his body in 200 feet of water in Kachemak Bay."

"Omigod!" exclaimed Mrs. Wilkens. Swallowing hard, she asked, "Um...what's your good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we hauled him up, he had a dozen 25-lb king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to him."  Stunned and tearful, Mrs. Wilkens demanded, "If you call that good news, what could possibly be the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull him up again tomorrow morning."  

   “The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work is Alaska.”  ~ Patty Paul


The great Lennie Weinrib passed away suddenly of a heart attack in his new home in Santiago, Chile where he lived with his wife Sonia and daughter. His friend John Irons notes that he had just gotten a new HP computer for Father's Day, but according to his long-time friend, John Irons, he couldn't get it running because the instructions were in Spanish!

        Lennie had a long and varied career, but was best known ultimately for his vocal talents, which included the beloved Dragon Mayor for Sid and Marty Krofft’s. “H. R. Pufnstuf.” Lately, his many friends all over the world were entertained by his humorous, political and spiritual emails, and he was quoted many times here in the Planet.  He will be missed.

        Also into orbit is Frankie Thomas, whom I watched faithfully in black & white as “Tom Corbett, Space Cadet” on the sci-fi adventure show “Space Academy” which ran on CBS, ABC, and NBC from 1950-55. He purportedly beat out an actor named Jack Lemmon for that role!

        And among the strangest passings of the month, Chicano artist Luis Jimenez died when a 32 ft.-tall section of a sculpture he was transporting to be installed at the Denver International Airport fell on him in Hondo, N.M.

        And I’m lifting a pint for the late, great Gerry Hoff, manager of “The Moody Blues”, pal of “Proctor & Bergman” and renowned for feeding his blind dog carrots and calling them “chicken.”

    “There is no obstruction one cannot dissipate by the power of Truth.” ~ Ernest Holmes, The Science of Mind


Are payable this orbit to Brian Westley, Peter Johnson, Nick Olivia, Nick Wilhite, Jr., JW Reynolds, Eddie Deezen; and Al Gore for “An Inconvenient Truth,” (go see it, you Liberal wusses) and Merl Reagle for using The Firesign Theatre’s “The Department of Redundancy Department” as a theme for a recent puzzle.  You can see the silly man for yourself in the ingenious documentary “Wordplay.”

“Were it up to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers, or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate for a moment to prefer the latter.” ~ Thomas Jefferson












Melinda at a Santa Barbara Iraqi War Memorial Installation

© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published Julie 9, 2006