Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 09

 “Are you lost Daddy?” I asked. “Shut up,” he explained. ~ Ring Lardner


        Melinda and I are traveling east tomorrow for a celebration in West Hartford, Connecticut of her mom Shirley’s 80th birthday, so HOLD THE MAIL until our return this Sunday!

        Birthdays are in the air, as I joined a jolly crowd last Saturday to surprise the King of the Reggae World, Roger Steffens, at a bash at their favorite Thai place his lovely wife Mary engineered.  Rog just turned 64, like Mr. McCartney, and so the party was Beatle-themed with LPs spun by his son from Roger’s extensive collection; with the Mighty Echoes there in person to serenade us all.

        Earlier, I had gone to the Writers Guild Theatre for a screening of Al Gore’s brilliant, sobering, inspiring documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth,” but the Q&A with director and executive producer David Guggenheim had to be cancelled because his wife was giving birth!

        I also learned this week, that my dear daughter, Kristin, will be marrying Geoffrey, the Prince of Canada, at the beautiful Brock House on the shores of Vancouver in a Canadian/Norwegian/American ceremony on MY birthday next year, July 28th.  What a present!

“We would like to thank the US Army, Navy and Marines, without whom none of this would have been necessary.’"  ~ The Firesign Theatre


“We’re all suffering from Battered Citizen Syndrome.” ~ An Air America caller


        The LA Museum of Contempt for Art was out-bidded by cosmetics magnate Ronald S. Lauder in the purchase of the stunning gold-checkered portrait of Adele Bloch-Bauer now on view here in L.A., which set a new world’s record for the price of a single piece of art at a purported $135 million.  

Meantime, in Veio, Italy, an Etruscan tomb dating back to 700-800BC revealed the first primitive wall paintings depicting fowl and lions in the representational style later developed by the Greek and Roman civilizations into what we now call “Western art.”

        And then there’s Ted Junker, a retired farmer and former Nazi SS enlistee from Romania, who constructed a white concrete bunker-like memorial to his idol, Adolph Hitler, into a hillside in Sugar Creek, Wisconsin; but local officials are discouraging him from promoting his misguided memorial.

        And the DC comic book artists continuing the “Batman” legacy revealed that Batwoman, AKA Kathy Kane -- a 5-foot-10 carrot-haired knockout in kinky knee-high crimson boots with spiked heels and a figure-hugging noir outfit -- is actually a lesbian.

“Wouldn't ugly people as heroes be more groundbreaking?" asked one protesting blogger. "You know, a 200-pound woman, a man with horseshoe-hair-loss pattern?  People with cold sores, etc.?" Oh, my hero!

“Vagitarians: Lesbians.” ~ Definition by Air America host Randi Rhoades


A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck’s one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

And speaking of sex, did you know that they finally released the top-secret formula for Viagra?  It’s 3% Vitamin E, 2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuprofen, 1% Vitamin C, 5% Spray Starch, and 87% Fix-A-Flat.

George Orwell’s predictive novel”1984” was originally titled”1948” and was released in 1949. By the way, he was born Eric Blair in Bengal, India in 1903. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9pm and ask, " Did I wake you???? "

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who’s in the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because who can remember?

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't recall who sent you this list…

“The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.” ~ Ancient wisdom from Patty Paul


Early last Saturday morning I silently slipped out of bed, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, hooked the boat up to the truck in the garage, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be rotten all day!

So -- I went back into the house, quietly undressed, slipped back under the covers and cuddled up to my wife's back, now with an entirely different agenda, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my basshole husband is out fishing in that shit?"

    “America would be a much better country if women did not vote.” ~ Ann Coulter


My Goshen pal, Rob Riddle, sent me this gem from “Random Thoughts on the Passing Scene” by Thomas Sowell:

        “The beauty of doing nothing is that you can do it perfectly. Only when you do something, is it almost impossible to do it without mistakes. Therefore people who are contributing nothing to society except their constant criticisms, can feel both intellectually and morally superior.”  Discuss…

    Funnyman Jerry Lewis, recovering from a heart attack, will direct a pre-Broadway musical version of ”The Nutty Professor” for San Diego’s Old Globe Theatre. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        A man drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." The man bought a ticket and sat down.

There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out a huge “erectione” and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

        Fifteen years later the man visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

        Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his mighty member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the man requested a meeting with him after the show.

        "You're incredible!" he told the distinguished-looking gray-haired performer,  "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch to coconuts?"

        "Well," said the Italian, "As you know, the eyes are the first to go…”

“I’m the one who’s doing the improvisation, not the actors.” ~ Robert Altman in L.A. Weekly


Are payable this orbit to Ken Wilhite, Jr., Penn Jillette, Richard Laible, Eddie (cheaper by the dozen) Deezen, Michael Dare, Nick “The Pits” Oliva, Hollace Starr, Garry “the man” Margolis, Patty Paul, my daughter Kristin for the great “Four Seasons” Father’s day brunch, and my wife Melinda and the cats for the useful Father’s Day gifts…

“Michael J. Fox's middle name is Andrew” ~ Eddie Deezen’s Factoids

PS: MAE WHITMAN is a lovely young actress in contention for an EMMY for her performance in “Thief.”  If you’re a player, please give her your serious consideration.

“Crouching Father, Hidden Toddler” and “Daddy Needs a Drink” are book titles released on Father’s Day.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts















© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published June 25, 2006