Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 06

“When we tug on a single thing in nature we find it attached to everything else.” ~ John Muir 


It’s been almost a month since I last set finger to plastic and the Planet has been in super-spin mode all that time, so I apologize that it’s taken so long to get back in the groove, but here goes.

On April 11th The Firesign Theatre’s classic 1970 album “Don’t Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me the Pliers” was inducted into the Library of Congress' Historical Archives at a press conference in Washington, DC.   We got to perform an excerpt from “High school Madness” and after several post-ceremony interviews; we were feted to a splendid lunch and a 2-hour tour of the Library.  What a thrill.  

We were joined on the podium by Martha Reeves of Motown’s Martha and the Vandellas and Robert Hendrix, who’s managing Jimi’s musical estate, and the 50 new inductees include recordings and transcriptions by Fanny Brice, Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Fats Domino, Jerry Lee Lewis, Paul (Tubby the Tuba) Tripp, Roy Acuff, Count Basie, Kid Ory, Arturo Toscanini, Paul Robeson, Nat “King” Cole, Stevie Wonder, B.B. King, Frank Zappa, Gil Scott Heron and the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band as well as the old fog horn at Kewaunee, Wis., William Faulkner addressing West Point, Archibald’ MacLeish’s “Fall of the City,” the 1938 Joe Lewis-Max Schmeling fight  and the 1925 inauguration of Calvin Coolidge.

Concurrently, you can get “Backwards into the Future: The recorded History of the Firesign Theatre” by Frederick C. Wiebel, Jr. now available @ which includes an archival CD, scads of photos (many by Film Proctor) and interviews by Firezine editor Fred and my friend, Gregory J.M. Catsos.

"A 90-year-old Florida man won a $16 million lottery. He's using the money to start a foundation to help him remember where he left his pants."  ~  -Conan O’Brien


You can hear me singing “I Wanna Be George W. Bush (When I’m a Grownup)”, music by Jan Powell, Lyrics by Ken Stone @

 “The Iraqi parliament will be voting today on whether to change the name of the country to 'Poorplanistan.' “ ~ Jay  Bernzweig


My beautiful daughter, Kristin, accepted her long-time beau, Geoff Campbell’s proposal of marriage on her 28th birthday, April 16. We celebrated at a wonderful Japanese restaurant in Santa Monica and the wedding will take place summer of next year in Vancouver, where Geoff’s family resides, as his dad, Gordon, is the elected Premier of British Columbia

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-SPAN and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."  ~ From Patty Paul


“Window of Opportunity” at the MET Theatre, will be history after our 3 o’clock matinee on May 14th.  I will be very sad and will dearly miss our brilliant ensemble: Matt Kimbrough, Ty Granderson Jones, Roxy Brusso, Hollace Starr and Randy Irwin; but our indomitable producers, John Densmore and Winship Cooke hope to take Samuel Warren Joseph’s witty, timely and twisted comedy to other venues in the future.

 Thanks to all our friends who have already made the effort to see us, and please come if you can by calling (323) 957-1152 before it’s too late!

   "Madame, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands, and all you have to do is scratch it."~  Sir Thomas Beecham, to a lady cello player


Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America would be outsourced to India as of April 15th, 2006. The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.

 "We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA)…. Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime.

 Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of April 15th, 2006. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of US $320 a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.

 It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be president someday."

 A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem, because Bush was not familiar with the issues either.   (Source unknown)

    “I would become me over an autograph-photo of you very much pleases and thanks me already quite heartily in advance.” ~ German “Rugrats” fan (I’m trying to learn her language?)


An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one Official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement.

The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

   “I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.” ~ Satirist Stephen Colbert


Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

"Getting a little action,” means you don't need to take any fiber today. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot and an "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

"Childhood is the time of life when you make faces in the mirror. Middle age is when the mirror gets even"~ Mickey Mansfield


+ Christopher Columbus' Mother: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write!

+ Michelangelo's Mother: "A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"

+ Napoleon's Mother: “You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"

+ Abraham Lincoln's Mother: Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

+ George Washington's Mother: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!

+ Thomas Edison's Mother: "Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"

+ Paul Revere's Mother: “I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"

+ Albert Einstein's Mother: "Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"

+ Bill Gates Mother: "It would have killed you to become a doctor?"

+ Bill Clinton's Mother: "Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica.

    "You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married"  ~ Blue Book modeling agency, about Marilyn Monroe


Many people don't recall that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

 But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico - who were loco about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery - were disconsolate at the loss. So great was their anguish that they declared a National Day of Mourning  - which they still observe to this day.

That National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as “Sinko de Mayo.”  

  “How do you get a fat chick into bed? Piece of cake!” ~ London joke from Steven Alan Green


K. Wilhite, Jr., Garry Margolis, Patty Paul, Randy Irwin, Kristin and Geoff, all our pals who have come and are coming to see “Window”!

“This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on The Hindenburg” ~ Steven Colbert


"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing"~ George Bernard Shaw

© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published May 5, 2006