Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 05

 “Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” ~ Will Rogers


FREE TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE THIS SATURDAY@ 8 and SUNDAY @ 3 for "Window of Opportunity" -- a very funny and intriguing dark comedy by Samuel Warren Joseph directed by Billy "Midnight Express" Hayes and produced by Winship Cook and John Densmore  It's at the MET THEATRE @ 1089 N. Oxford (east of Western and south of Santa Monica; free parking at the Earl Scheib lot 1/2 block east on Santa Monica.)

The "Window" opens tonight, but before an article on us runs in the L.A. Times or a review is published somewhere, we want to insure full houses for the weekend shows – so either call in advance call or just show up and say the magic word, “Proctor.”  I guarantee you a wonderful time or your free money back!

“You know that bridge to the 21st Century Bill Clinton promised?  Well, there’s a lot of people living under it now.” ~ Bill Maher


Put him in the National Hysterical Archives! Yes, three members of the Firesign Theatre are to be flown to Washington, DC for a press conference on Tuesday morning, April 11th announcing the inclusion of our classic 1979 recording of “Don’t Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me the Pliers” into the Library of Congress' Historical Archives along with works by Frank Zappa Jimi Hendrix, Jerry Lee Lewis and others!  This year's press conference will be held at the Congress Room in the Thomas Jefferson Building at 10:30 a.m. and we’ll be performing a sequence from the album, just across the street from the U.S. Capitol.

"It is amazing what can be accomplished when no one cares who gets the credit."  ~ Harry S. Truman


Also, I was recently interviewed as a representative voice-over artist for an NBC “Today Show” feature to be aired sometime in the next 2 weeks on the increasing use of uncredited, high-priced celebrities in commercials. I'll also be doing some promo (as the Drunk French Monkey) for the upcoming "Dr. Dolittle" DVD release.

Finally, Melinda and I will be going to Dublin in early August to perform in another Crazy Dog Irish radio project.

“Having no talent is no longer an excuse.” ~ Gore Vidal


    Eye halve a spelling checker
    It came with my pea sea
    It plainly marques for my revue
    Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

    Eye strike a key and type a word
    And weight four it to say
    Weather eye am wrong oar write
    It shows me strait a weigh.

    As soon as a mist ache is maid
    It nose bee fore two long
    And eye can put the error rite
    It's rare lea ever wrong.

    Eye have run this poem threw it
    Eye am shore your pleased two no
    It's letter perfect awl the weigh
    My checker tolled me sew.

Margo Roark,

“It’s a man/woman dialogue.  I need the voices to sound mature, but not dead or elderly/senior.” ~ Voice-over direction for a memorial park and mortuary


El Fiendo informs us of a little known showbiz fact… The director of Lawrence of Arabia and Doctor Zhivago lived in Budapest for a time. While there, he became very sneaky and ambitious. He'd get a certain expression on his face that would be a kind of "tell" that he was about to pull a fast one.

Hence the proverbial warning against anyone with that "Lean in Hungary look."

“Recently I recorded a doctor who described the symptoms of bird flu as: nausea, fever, upset stomach, and an uncontrollable urge to poop on a car window.” ~ Medical reporter Shelley Herman


        Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital and one day

while walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly fell into the deep end and sank to the  bottom. Edna promptly jumped in to save him and managed to get him to the shallow end and pull him out.

Well, when the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's

heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable but when she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

        “The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to

rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind.

        “The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

        "He didn't hang himself,” Edna replied, “I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

“India has a Bill of Rights for cows.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        "The people have been led in Mesopotamia into a trap from which it will be hard to escape with dignity and honour. They have been tricked into it by a steady withholding of information.  

        “The Baghdad communiques are belated, insincere, incomplete. Things have been far worse than we have been told, our administration more bloody and inefficient than the public knows. It is a disgrace to our imperial record, and may soon be too inflamed for any ordinary cure.We are today not far from a disaster."

    T.E. Lawrence (Lawrence of Arabia), 1920.

“A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants which should end once and for all ladies’ complaints about men staring at their boobs and not listening to them.” ~ From Tom Wilhite, Jr.


Planeteer Pat Loeb reports that on March 1, 2006, in Annapolis, Maryland at a hearing on a proposed Constitutional Amendment to prohibit gay marriage, Jamie Raskin, professor of law at AU, was requested to testify; and at the end of his testimony, Republican Senator Nancy Jacobs said "Mr. Raskin, my Bible says marriage is only between a man and a woman. What do you have to say about that?

"Senator,” Raskin replied, “when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You did not place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible."

The room erupted into applause.

“The Islamic flag has a Crescent Moon because the prophet Mohammed chose the moon god, Allah, as his sole diety.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


        A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

        She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy whose name was Michael, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

        He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

        Then  one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

        One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return; two o'clock, and no hired hand.  He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him & looking very sexy. She quietly called him over to her and said.

        "Michael would you unbutton my blouse and take it off please?" Trembling, he took her blouse off as she directed.

        "Now take off my boots." Again he did as she asked, ever so slowly.

        "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

        Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light and dropped it to the floor.

        "Now," she said, "take off my panties Michael." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

        Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

“Lonesome Jim”, directed by Steve Buscemi, is shot almost entirely in Goshen, Indiana – my Home Town! ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


Patty Paul, Garry Margolis, Eddie Deezen, Michael Medved, Steven Allan Green, the incredible "Eddie Deezen", Andy Thomas and all our newly signed up Planeteers!  “And Thank You Judas!!!”







“When we tug on a single thing in nature we find it attached to everything else.” ~ John Muir

© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published APRIL 7, 2006