Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 04

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." ~ Charles Schultz


“Window of Opportunity”, a world premier satirical comedy by Samuel Warren Joseph directed by Billy Hayes with Matthew Kimbrough, Phil Proctor, Randy Irwin, Roxana Brusso, Hollace Starr and Ty Granderson Jones produced by John Densmore and Winship Cook, opens on Friday, April 7th and runs through Sunday, May 14, Thurs.-Sat. at 8, Sun. at 3, at The MET Theatre, 1089 N. Oxford (east of Western off Santa Monica Blvd with free, stacked, attended parking in the Earl Scheib lot 1/2 block east on Santa Monica).  $20 general, $15 for seniors and arts union members; $10 for students.

Call (323) 957-1152 or go to

You can blame the intense rehearsals for this wonderful play for the lack of Planets in orbit this month, and I beg all of you who want a great laugh to come IMMEDIATELY and support us. DON’T WAIT!  You’ll be sorry if you do, because word of mouth will pack this 99-seat house and you won’t be able to get in…

  “When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.” ~ Marlene Dietrich


After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug200 meters and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, a Dublin newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 meters, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.”


    The Antaeus Company! Run the broom up the flagpole, because at the recent Los Angeles Drama Critics Circle ceremony, we enjoyed a clean sweep and won plaques in every category in which we were nominated.



    Our production of “Mother Courage” directed by Andy Robinson won the Tom McCollough award for Best Revival and “Pera Palas” by Sinan Unel (our co-production with The Theater@ Boston Court) won for Ensemble, Direction, Sets, and Best Production! It also garnered a gay pride Garland for Best Ensemble, which included a picture of Melinda in “Backstage” as an older Turkish man…


    And although our dear friend Norman Corwin was honored at the Academy Awards for “On a Note of Triumph”, the Firesign Theatre was proud to be included as a DVD extra in the nominated documentary: “Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room” doing what had been described as an “hilarious interpretation of the Enron scandal as Richard Wagner's ‘Ring’ operas” -- as improvised on our prize-winning XM radio series, “Fools in Space.”

And speaking of The Firesign Theatre, check out this latest rip-off…

“Art is the ability to tell the truth even about oneself.” ~ Richard Pryor


When asked by a woman in the audience months ago to explain the Medicare Drug Bill, the President said, (verbatim response) because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculated, for example, is on the table. Whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases.

    “There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to that has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled.

    “Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, supposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red.”

Oh, I see… Sign me up!

“Abraham Lincoln never slept in the Lincoln bedroom of the White House.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


We were celebrating St. Harry’s Night on St. Patrick’s Day down at the ----Beach Comedy and Magic Club where Harry Anderson, Jay Johnson and pals put on a great show to raise money for the ongoing restoration of battered New Orleans, where Harry and wife Elizabeth have a club, Lee Harvey that hosts weekly town hall meetings there in the French Quarter to keep the community together. Happy Belated St. Patrick’s Day!

“Half the truth is often a great lie.” ~ Benjamin Franklin


“How Many Christians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?”

Charismatic:  Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal:  10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)

Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What’s a light bulb?


“Man has accomplished far more miracles than the God he invented.” ~ Lily Tomlin


I was pleased to be asked to participate in an autograph party at Book Soup on the Sunset Strip last week for David “Mr. Bonzai” Goggin’s “FACES of MUSIC” book. From L-R are Devo's blazing lead guitarist and scoring composer Bob (#1) Mothersbaugh, the group's co-founder and chief eccentric Mark Mothersbaugh, Mr. B.  in his vintage 1980 Energy Dome, “Firesign Theatre's man of a thousand voices Phil Proctor”, and Devo rhythm guitarist and chief engineer Bob (#2) Mothersbaugh.

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I've got others." ~ Groucho Marx


    In the crazy business of making movies, it’s hard to name the single strangest movie shoo, but a prime candidate was the shooting of the 1929 movie "The Cocoanuts", the first film ever for the always-crazy Marx brothers. Pity poor director Robert Florey; he was trying to control and keep order over these four wild and crazy young men. Every time he needed a shot, one of the brothers would be gone.

    Harpo, the only bachelor brother, was of course, out chasing women. Sometimes, Harpo would be found in some far-off corner, practicing his beloved harp. Chico, married for over a decade, had no scruples whatsoever, he was the biggest women-chaser of all, and Chico's gambling exploits are legendary. He'd ditch the set and hop over to the nearest poker or pinochle game, almost inevitably losing his shirt. Sometimes Groucho would be over at the Hillcrest Country Club, trading quips with fellow writers and intellectuals.

    His solution? Florey had the stagehands move four full-sized cages on to the set. After every take, the four brothers would each go into their respective cage, labeled "Groucho", "Harpo", "Chico" and "Zeppo". In the cage for "Chico", a telephone was installed so he could call his bookie and place bets. According to Harpo, "They should have filmed the shooting of ‘Cocoanuts’. It would have been funnier than the movie".

 “Being a writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitler's Eagle's Nest with a great idea for a bar-mitzvah" ~ David  Mamet


In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"And how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f*ckin' wall!”    

"Life is a comedy when seen in a long shot; a tragedy when seen in close up"- Charlie Chaplin


    The unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time and what do you get in the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, you know, start out dead; get it out of the way.

You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've only got a few years left, what's the big deal?!?) and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then you finish off as an orgasm…

“The older we get, the better we were.” ~ Beverly Hills bumper sticker


Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Eddie Deezen, Robert Lloyd, Brad Schreiber, Nick Oliva, Tom Kane, Gary Margolis, Thomas Healy, Jim Terry, Paul Eiding, Dana Snow.

“I didn't know he was such a good shot.”~ Noel Coward, told that his CPA had blown his brains out






BLUES:   H Lee Kagan



© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published MARCH 26, 2006