Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 03

“Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” ~ Robert Heinlein


To answer Fred Willard’s catchphrase from “A Mighty Wind,” (used as a drop in on Air America radio, by the way) I was not busy enough and then became too busy to turn my attention to the awesome responsibility of the Planet, but here we are, and here’s what’s hoppening…

I’m rehearsing the role of “Carl”, head financial corporate officer in Sam Warren Joseph's new play "Window of Opportunity" at Hollywood’s Met Theatre, directed by Billy (“Midnight Express”) Hayes -- a deliciously dark, deceptive and crafty anti-corporate comedy; and the brilliant cast includes (honk if you know them) Brian Kent, Randy Irwin, Ty Jones, Roxy Brosso and Hollace Starr. We’ll open for a 5-week run on Friday, April 7th.  And you’re going to want to see this one…

Also, the Antaeus Company, as usual, is up for a slew of awards from the Los Angeles Drama Critics Circle, The LA Weekly and the Bay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. Maybe we’ll win this time.  I’ve picked out a simple black frock and Melinda a neat double-breasted tux for the ceremonies.

      “15,000 atheists in London have rioted after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist's desk.’ ~ Steven Alan Green, via Ronnie Golden and James Compton



"I was at a party the other night and it was all these hardcore Republicans and these guys are like, 'Why do you hate your country?' I said, 'I love my country.' They said, 'Why, at a time of war, would you criticize it then?' And I said, 'My country right or wrong means women don't vote, black people sit in the back of buses and we're still in Vietnam. My country right or wrong means we don't have the New Deal.' I mean, what, are you crazy? My country, right or wrong? It's not your right; it's your duty. And then I said, 'Where was I wrong, schmuck?' In 2003 I was saying, where are the ties [between Iraq] and al-Qaida? Where are the ties to 9/11?

I knew it; where the fuck were these Democrats who said, 'We were misled'? That's the kind of thing that drives me crazy: 'We were misled.' Fuck you, you weren't misled. You were afraid of being called unpatriotic."

“Sorry for me dirty English.” ~ From a German “Rugrats” fan’s email


    A “right wing Joke” from my Goshen, Indiana pal, Rob Riddle who recently wrote that he knew he was a Capitalist when he enjoyed reading “Scrooge McDuck” comics from my collection.

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.

    The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

    "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"

    "And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

     “If you think Bush is spying on you, just use big words.” ~ Randi Rhodes


WEEK ONE: Beans, Bacon, Coffee, Whiskey

WEEK TWO: Beans, Ham, Coffee, Whiskey

WEEK THREE: Beans al fresca, Thin-sliced Bacon, Hazelnut Coffee, Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin, K-Y gel

WEEK FOUR: Beans en salade, Pancetta  Coffee (espresso grind), 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay,  2 tubes K-Y gel

WEEK FIVE:  Fresh Fava beans, Jasmine rice, Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced, Medallions of veal, Porcini mushrooms, 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream, 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long, 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve), 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide

WEEK SIX: Yukon Gold potatoes, Heavy whipping cream, Asparagus (very thin), Organic Eggs, Spanish Lemons, Gruyere cheese (well aged), Crushed Walnuts, Arugula, Clarified Butter, Extra Virgin Olive oil, Pure Balsamic vinegar, 6 yards white silk organdy, 6 yards pale ivory taffeta, 3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve, Large tin Crisco

 “In 1935, The Three Stooges were actually nominated for Best Short Subject but lost to Walt Disney's ‘Three Little Pigs’.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


Ken Wilhite, Jr, says we probably missed the front-page story from the SF Chronicle on Wednesday, 14 Dec 2005 about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help.

Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off; the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her, a very dangerous proposition. They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually liberated her.

When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, nudged them and pushed them gently around.  SHE THANKED THEM!  

Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

     “The Beatles once lost a talent contest to a lady who played the spoons.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


            “The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart”

    50° Fahrenheit (10° C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens.

    35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) Italian Cars won't start Canadians drive with the windows down

    32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C) American water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.

    0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

    -60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

    -100° Fahrenheit (-73° C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their earflaps.

    -173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) Ethyl alcohol Freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

    -460° Fahrenheit (-273° C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold, eh?"

    -500° Fahrenheit (-295° C) Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

  “Life in Lubbk, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. “ ~ Butch Hancock


If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY.

Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone autodial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will cause your toilet to flush while you are showering. It will drink ALL of your beer.

                  For God’s Sake, are you listening???

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

If you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

There's a lot of sadness in the world! Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look at you - you're on the computer!!!!

    "The idea of there being a, you know, a little mud hole and two mosquitoes get together and the next thing you know you have a human being is completely at odds with, you know, one of the laws of thermodynamics." ~ South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanfor


    Beethoven was once arrested for vagrancy. George Harrison owned a toilet that played "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" "Shrek" means "fear" in Yiddish (and “Zion” means ‘shelter.”) Napoleon was afraid of cats. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies room during a dance. Humphrey Bogart's lisp was the result of a naval injury when a prisoner he was guarding smacked him in the mouth. Jim Henson made Kermit the frog out of his mother's overcoat. India has a bill of rights for cows. Donald Sutherland starred in the 1975 film "Day of the Locust" as "Homer Simpson". Jerry Lewis only wears a pair of socks once. (And he has hundreds of identical red sweaters with is name on them in his closet which he gives away). One of David Bowie's eyes changed color after being stabbed with a compass in school. Elvis Presley proposed to Ginger Alden while sitting on a toilet seat. Tom Hanks is a direct descendant of Abraham Lincoln's uncle. A species of ant is named after Harrison ford.

   "Laws control the lesser man. Right conduct controls the greater one."~  Chinese Proverb


            The Ten Commandments: Minnesota style

    1. Der's only one God, ya know.

    2. Don't make dat fish on yer mantle an idol.  

    3. Cussing ain't Minnesota nice.  

    4. Go to church even when yer up 'nort.  

    5. Honor yer folks  

    6. Don't kill. Catch and release.  

    7. Der is only one Lena for every Ole. No cheatin'.  

    8. If it ain't yer lutefisk, don't take it.  

    9. Don't be braggin' about how much snow ya can shovel.

    10. Keep yer mind offen yer neighbor's hot dish.

 "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons”…  (or Danish cartoons) ~  General MacArthur


Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Eddie Deezen, Patty Paul, Nick Oliva, Tom Kane, DW Jenner, probably many others – forgive me, I’ve been too distracted!

          "Hey Dude, Where's My Country?"- Seattle Bumper Sticker from magic Mike

Mike Theiler L.A. Times photo of Bush speaking before Veterans in Washington.

   "Victory means exit strategy, and it's important for the President to explain to us what the exit strategy is." ~ Texas Governor Bush, ‘99, on Kosovo











        “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”~ Victor Borge

© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published March 6, 2006