Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 02

IN MEMORIUM

My old pal and ex-airman actor/singer Don Stewart passed away recently at the age of 77.  He would have enjoyed this article by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated.

"Now this message is for America's most famous athletes: Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets.  … If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity -- Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death! Whatever you do… Do Not Go!!!

I know.  The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped.  I was toast!  I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it.  He's about six-foot, tan, ice blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake  -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time.  If you see this man, run the other way. Fast…

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. "Bananas," he said.

"For the potassium?"  I asked.

"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac…I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed.  If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it… In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph.  We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.  It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell, only without rails.  We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks.  We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute.  We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the speed of sound.  Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas.  I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that.  I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.  I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed.  I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out.  Twice.  I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down…

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called.  He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it?  I asked.

    “Two bags.”

    “To deal with the threat of bird flu, President Bush has decided to bomb the Canary Islands.” ~ Submitted by actor Mark Bramhall

HAPPY RETARDMENT          

    After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school, and one pupil wrote this:

    “We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

    “There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on. At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse.

    “The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren. “

     “ There’s a bipartisan bumper sticker from NY states declaring: RUN HILLARY RUN!  Democrats put it on the rear bumper; Republicans put it on the front.” Wilhite

HOLD IT

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. automakers for the past five years, whereby the automakers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last moments before the crash. They were not surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

    But the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Arkansas, Alabama an Kentucky were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."  

     "A new study has found that 3 million Irish men can trace their ancestry back to just one man.  In his defense, he said he'd been drinking"- Conan O’Brien

THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS

     Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

    Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

    A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

    Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

    The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

    If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

    Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy; providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

    HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

    Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

     A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

    Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

    The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's cocaine conviction is none of our business.

    Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

    You support states' rights, which means Attorney General Gonzalez can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

    What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

         "I am going to keep on marching for justice, equality, peace and reconciliation of the human family until I am called home." ~ Coretta Scott King

IT’S OVER.STOP

The world's first telegram – “What hath God wrought" -- was sent on May 24, 1844 b by inventor Samuel Morse from Washington to Baltimore. By 1861, during the Civil War, Western Union had created a coast-to-coast network of lines, but in the 1980s, long-distance telephone service became cheap enough to offer a viable alternative. Faxes didn't help, and Email was the final nail in the coffin. There will be no more telegrams. STOP.                    

         “Don't worry about avoiding temptation; as you grow older, it will avoid you.”~- Winston Churchill

U.S. NAVY DIRECTIVE 16134

     The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel: “Eat Pork Or Die” [Both English and Arabic versions] “Shrine Busters” [Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines, some with unit logos.] “Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy” [Both English and Arabic Versions] “Goat - It isn’t just for breakfast anymore.” [Both English and Arabic versions] “The road to Paradise begins with me.” [Mostly Arabic versions.  Some show snipersope crosshairs]  “Guns don’t kill people. I kill people.” [Both Arabic and English versions] “Pork -- the other white meat.” [Arabic version] “Infidel” [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.] Also, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:  “Islamic Religious Services Will Be held At the Firing Range at 0800 Daily ” and  “Do we really need smart bombs to drop on these dumb bastards?” All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

     “The Oilman in Chief lecturing us… after five oblivious years, about being drunk on oil, now that Halliburton and Exxon are swimming in profits while Exxon's revenues were bigger than the gross domestic product of either Saudi Arabia or Indonesia, was rich.”  ~ Maureen Dowd

ZOO, WHO KNEW?

    Moishe, a Jewish actor is so down and out, he's ready to take any acting gig that he can find. Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says, "Actor needed to play an ape."

    "I could do that," says Moishe.

    To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Central Park Zoo in New York. Owing to the mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, they can no longer afford to import the ape to replace the recently deceased one, so, until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit. Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer.

    At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers.  Moishe also feels undignified in the ape suit, stared at by the crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to enjoy all the attention and starts to put on a show for all the zoo-goers.

    Moishe hangs upside down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls and roaring with all his might, while beating on his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd.

    One day, when Moishe is swing on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den. Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his paws and prays at the top of his lungs, "Shama Yisroel Adonoi Elaheinu, Adonoi Echud!"

    The lion opens his powerful jaws and roars the response, "Baruch Shem K'vod Malchuso L'olam Va'ed"

From a nearby cage, a panda yells, "Shut up you schmucks, you'll get us all fired! "

   "An unemployed actor was broke, so he had to become a bank robber… He wrote a holdup note on the back of his resume, in which he lied about his earlier robberies."~ Woody Allen

PAPA’S FAUX PAS

    In the last Planet, I neglected to announce that my daughter had a nice role on the January 18th airing of CSI: NY as a crooked Doctor’s assistant named Tracy.  She was terrific and looked gorgeous, even though she told me that the makeup artists ignored her in deference to the “stars”; and the funniest part of the show for me was when they showed baby pictures of the murderer, which were actually my snaps of a 3 year-old Kristin and not those of the other blonde in the plot who was ultimately nailed for the crime.

    Anyway, look for a rerun of “Wasted” (about a model who mysteriously dies on the runway) and you won’t be wasting your time…

http://www.tv.com/episode/563879/summary.html

MERCI, DANKE, SPASIBO, TAK, GRATZIE…

    Rene Aubergenois, Ken Wilhite, Jr., Billy Bowles, Leif the Lucky, Mary Willard, Geoff Wade, Patty Paul, Brian Westley, Michael Fish, Edgar Bullington, Garry Margolis, Leonard Maltin, J.W. Reynolds and W. Jim Frees.

    "The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." ~ Ronald Reagan

OPEN SESAME

IN/OUT: http://www.pelourinho.com/movies/c003702/

INNER WOMAN: http://www.breathcapture.com/

THUMBTHING NEW: http://www.thumbthing.com/how.htm

GEORGELANDIA: http://markfiore.com/email/lt/t_go.php?i=53&e=OTkzMQ==&l=http://www.markfiore.com/animation/greater.html

LORDMART: http://www.souldevice.org/lord%20mart/index.htm

CASTING: http://phillyfaces.com/actor/weisband/weisband-video.html

POP: http://www.nata2.info/humor/flash/bubblewrap.swf

KISS ME: http://funnyfilms.free.fr/Kiss_For_You.wmv

ROBIN: http://www.redheadedleague.com/films/robin/robin.html

 "What luck for rulers, that men do not think." ~ Adolph Hitler

Phil and Melinda say: “BREAK ALL THE RULES IN 2006!  “
(Photo by Andy Thomas, Rules Restaurant, London, 2005)

“The older we get, the better we were.” ~ Beverly Hills bumper sticker

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published February 8, 2006