Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 01

 SEQUELS TO "BROKEBUTT MOUNTING"

  "How The West Was Hung"
  "A Fistful Of Donnie"
  "Doc's Holiday With Billy The Kid"
  "Very Raw Hide"
  "Stick 'Em Up!"
  "The Magnificent Seven…Inches"
  "I Broke My Back Mounting Him"
  "I Hate The Saloon, (But I Love The Salon)"
  "Bone- Nanza"
  "Don't Mess With Tex' Ass"
  "Ridin', Ropin' And Redecoratin"
  "How The Marlboro Man Got Weaned Off Cigarettes"
  "Home On The Ranger"
  "Six Shooters And The Mess They Made Shooting"
  "Oklahomo"
  "Rooster Cockburn"
  "Little Bathhouse On The Prairie"
  "Prances With Wolves"
  "Clint East's Wood"
  "John And Wayne"
  "Lassoed More Often Than A Steer"
  "Jesse James And His Frank"
  "7 Angry…Inches"  
  "The Wild Brunch" (Doug Stone and Eddie Deezen, me and the list goes on…)

"A drowning man is not troubled by rain." ~ Persian Proverb

DON'T HUM, DON'T TELL

        The Recording Industry Association of America has announced that it will be taking legal action against anyone discovered telling friends, acquaintances, or associates about new songs, artists, or albums.

        "We are merely exercising our right to defend our intellectual properties from unauthorized peer-to-peer notification of the existence of copyrighted material," a press release signed by RIAA anti-piracy director Brad Buckles read. "We will aggressively prosecute those individuals who attempt to pirate our property by generating 'buzz' about any proprietary music, movies, or software, or enjoy same in the company of anyone other than themselves."

        RIAA attorneys said they were also looking into the legality of word-of-mouth "favorites-sharing" sites, such as coffee shops, universities, and living rooms.

(The Onion, November 30, 2005 |Issue 41o48)

"Think globally... act VOCALLY" ~ Voiceover artist, Gregg Berger        

TAKE ONE

        "The VO talent should have NO specific accent (shouldn't sound Southern, Eastern, Midwestern, etc.) This will play nationally and the American Red Cross wants it to sound like the people could be from anywhere in the USA.  Although an African American would be preferable or Hispanic voice. A female would be great!  Mainly we just need to pull at people's heartstrings without being overly sappy. (Think Morgan Freeman.)"

        And they just started the New Orleans guided bus tours of the devastated area.  Can't wait for that copy direction to come in…

      "As soon as New Orleans gets back to normal, I pla n on volunteering to go down there and help drink their economy back on its feet." ~ Will Durst

KISS ME DEADLY

        The ancient Aztecs prized the poinsettia as a symbol of purity and later, Mexico's first Christians adopted it as "la flor de Noche Buena", the Christmas Eve blossom.

                Yet since the early 20th Century, most Americans consider the plant as poisonous, a myth which began in 1919 when a Hawaii-based Army officer's 2-year-old child died and when the doctors were informed that the child had been fussing with a poinsettia leaf, they surmised it caused his demise.

        "Once in a great while someone will have an allergic skin reaction from being exposed to the poinsettia's milk sap," Crouse says, referring to the sap the indigenous people of Mexico used as a medicine well into the 16th century. "But no one has ever documented a case of poinsettia poisoning. In fact, study after study has proven no part of the plant is toxic."                                                                                             In Mexico the poinsettia is sometimes grown as a shrub that may grow 10 feet high. But here in the United States, it's a top-selling potted plant, Crouse says. The plant's popular name honors Joel R. Poinsett, the first U.S. minister to Mexico. Ironically the first half of its scientific name -- "Euphorbia pulcherrima" - indicates the poinsettia's relationship to other spurges, some of which are, in fact, poisonous, Crouse says. The last half means "very beautiful." There are some common Christmas Plants that ARE toxic, however. Holly Berries are HIGHLY poisonous. Eating as few as 20 can be fatal. And Mistletoe is nicknamed "The Kiss of Death" - the berries, leaves and stems are poisonous. Source: Kansas State University Research and Extension       

   "Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then - we elected them." ~ Lily Tomlin

WAIT A MINUTE

        "Everything is gestation and then birthing. To let each impression and each embryo of a feeling come to completion, entirely in itself, in the dark, in the unsayable, the unconscious, beyond the reach of one's own understanding, and with deep humility and patience to wait for the hour when a new clarity is born: this alone is what it means to live as an artist -- in understanding as in creating. In this there is no measuring with time, a year doesn't matter, and ten years are nothing.

        "Being an artist means: not numbering and counting, but ripening like a tree, which doesn't force its sap, and stands confidently in the storms of spring, not afraid that afterward summer may not come. It does come. But it comes only to those who are patient, who are there as if eternity lay before them, so unconcernedly silent and vast.

        I learn it every day of my life, learn it with pain I am grateful for: patience is everything!”  (Rainer Maria Rilke)

      Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn-out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!"~  Hunter S. Thompson

DON'T YOU JUST WISH

                A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

            The woman did not hesitate.  "I want peace in the Middle East," she said. "See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

            The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. I don't think it can be done. These countries have been at war for thousands of years and I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

            The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

        The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."

"You ought to be thankful, /a whole heaping lot, /for the places and people /you're lucky you're not." ~ Dr. Seuss

DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?

Kids versions of Krismas Karols…

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.

Noel, Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is sparse and brown

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

Good tidings we bring to you and your kid  

You'll go down in Listerine

   "Have you heard about Kung Pyoo? It's a new discipline of the martial farts". ~ Yuri Rasovsky who adds that AudioFile magazine named The Sherlock Holmes Theatre, which features frolicking Phil, one of the top mystery/suspense audios of 2005)

ROOONEY'S RUNDOWN

Ten Thoughts to Ponder during 2006, from Little Andy Rooney:

 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

2 - In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

     "Voters are not looking for creative, forward-looking candidates, they are looking for people they think can protect them." ~ Rand Company's Randy Dobson on the Iraqi elections

NEW YEAR'S GIFTS FROM

        Flori Schutszer, Tom Kane, Stevie Vallance, Scott Langhill, Jim Winfree, Glen Banks, Vanna Bonta and Michael Dennis who frequents an anti-Bush website called Smirkingchimp.com (and in its bulletin board section is an active thread in praise of the Firesign Theatre. ) Not Responsible!

 "I made my new years resolution this year. I promised myself I was going to drink more. (Hey, it's a promise I know I can keep; that helps my self-esteem)." ~ Rodney Dangerfield

ORDER NOW!

PIZZA 2010: http://www.adcritic.com/interactive/view.php?id=592

EGGS: http://www.rit.edu/~smo4215/flash/Eggs.swf

MEOW: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1299/funny_cats/

HOT TIME: http://onegoodmove.org/1gm/1gmarchive/002648.html

BUY NOW: http://www.backwardsbush.com/

A TEST: http://prisonplanet.com/articles/december2005/301205patriotismtests.htm

BYE:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Famous_last_words

WHO'S COUNTING: http://www.brillig.com/debt_clock/

     "As Sir Sidney Fudd, the great scientist-sportsman said, 'What goes in, must come out.'" ~ The Firesign Theatre's "Everything You Know Is Wrong"

A postcard in my private collection: "This picture taken by secret counteragent during a Red Workshop in race agitation." (At the Highlander Folk School for communist training in Monteagle, Tenn.)

HAPPY MLK DAY!

"As men are occasionally wicked, place yourself in a position to do evil so that evil will not be done to you…" ~ Marivaux's "Double Infidelity", 1722, translated by Oscar Mandel

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published JANUARY 16, 2006