Planet Proctor 2005 Volume 20
Reasons why Santa is really a woman, like Pope Joan…
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to have their paunch described even in jest as a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- The "HoHoHo" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
"In the one of the earliest documented uses of irony in Western Europe, the first Christian martyr St. Stephen, after being stoned to death, became the patron saint of stonemasons and headaches." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts
HOLIDAY PICK ME UPS…
"Elf Pick-up Lines" from Bill Coombs:
Nice view from down here! Has anyone ever told you, you have beautiful knees? You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig. I'm a magical being. Take off your bra. That's quite a set of ornaments you've got there. We don't see many "happenin' ladies" north of the Arctic Circle.
Just because a guy wears tights and pointy slippers doesn't mean he's gay. I taught Santa everything he knows and I can get you off the naughty list! Hey babe, I'm free on Christmas Eve and I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight.
Sure I used to be a lawn ornament for Brad Pitt, but now I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys. I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man; and you know what they say about guys with big ears -- not everything about me is tiny! I'm not Elmo, but don't stop tickling.
"Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. " ~ Groucho Marx
A SHORT POEM
A real lonely midget named Ray,
Was desperate in the worst way,
Found a doll on the shelf,
And he pleasured himself;
There was shrimp on the Barbie that day.
"Charles Dickens' character 'Tiny Tim' was originally called 'Small Sam'." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts
WHAT THE DICKENS?
We saw a delightful performance of "A Christmas Carol" by the Independent Shakespeare Company's David Melville as Dickens himself at the Barnsdall Gallery Theatre, and you can catch the last 2 shows by calling 818.710.6306 and saying "Tiny Phil sent you", but the local KPCC (89.3 FM) broadcast of the Antaeus Company's "A Tale Of Charles Dickens" was not on Christmas Eve as previously announced and will be heard instead on Saturday, January 21st at 10:00 pm. Rah, humbug!
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair." ~ George Burns
SPECIAL XMAS SPECIALS
"Ebenezer Scrooge: Stereotypical Jewish Businessman"
"Frosty, The Anatomically Correct Snowman"
"The Little Drummer Boy Becomes A Man"
"A Transsexual Christmas With Jenna, The Elf Man"
"A Very White Christmas With The Klan"
"Tiny Tim: Big Where It Counts"
"The Christmas That Almost Wasn't, Due To Santa's Urinary Tract Infection"
"Viagra And Santa's Yule Log"
"Richard Simmons' Fruitcake Extravaganza"
"J. Edgar Hoover's Christmas Stockings"
"The Grinch Who Nailed Mrs. Claus"
"O.Tannenbaum, Jewish Lawyer"
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Ellen Degeneres"
"Jackie Mason's "Christmas Shmistmas!"
"The Little Drummer Boy's Visit To Neverland Ranch"
"CSI: Elf Autopsy"
"Remember -- there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over." ~ Frank Zappa
IS IT -- "SATAN?"
About 40 Santas in baggy costumes ran amok in Auckland recently urinating on motorists from an overpass, vandalizing Christmas trees, stealing beer and soft drinks, spraying graffiti on office buildings and flinging bottles, according to the New Zealand Herald. "They came in, said 'Merry Christmas' and then helped themselves," said storeowner Changa Manakynda.
The Kiwi cops described it as "fairly average behavior from an organized group of idiots" who acted "more like clowns "than jolly old elves, and "Santarchy" spokesman Alex Dyer said this was a worldwide organization designed to protest Christmas's commercialization. Police Senior Sergeant Matt Rogers lamented that identifying the alleged perps "might be problematic," although they didn't rule out torture…and see:
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter." ~ Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Or Christmas Greetings for the Psychologically Challenged:
1. Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
3. Amnesia -- I Think I Was Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
5. Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
6. Paranoid -- Santa Claus is Coming' to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder -- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Full Personality Disorder -- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why
9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
10. Agoraphobia -- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day (But Wouldn't Leave My House)
11. Senile Dementia -- Walking in a Winter Wonderland (Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe)
12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder -- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
13. Social Anxiety Disorder -- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate)
"I can't die yet, I have too many books to read." ~ Mary Willard
All the cowboys and ladies in the saloon had just heard the news: "Big Jake" was in town!!!! The saloon girls shrieked and fled. The cowboys sat frozen in terror. Suddenly, the saloon doors smacked hard and a huge desperado lumbered in. Yes, it was "Big Jake" all right! All 6 foot seven inches of unwashed, dirty, unshaven cowboy. "Who wants to fight Big Jake?" he snarled.
The saloon was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. No one moved a muscle. Big Jake surveyed the craven cowpokes and looked over at the right side of the saloon.
"You cowboys on this side of the room are a bunch of yellow-bellied, lily-livered cowards!!" he spat out. No one even flinched. Then Big Jake looked over at the left side of the room. "And you men on this side", Big Jake taunted, "are a bunch of pansy, sissy faggots!!!" Again, no one moved a muscle. Then, after several seconds, there was a stirring over on the right side. Finally, a slim cowboy with a pink bandana stood up.
"Do you wanna fight Big Jake??" taunted B.J.
"No sir", lisped the cowpoke, "I was just getting up to move. I'm sitting on the wrong side."
"In the future, the line between the Amish and Jews will be further blurred when the Amish begin celebrating Barn Mitzvahs. " ~ Conan O'Brien
A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS
Melinda gave me an "Amish Car and Buggy Freshener, guaranteed to be plain and fancy" and complete with Amish Pick Up Lines like, "Were you not on the cover of Apple Fritter Weekly?" And, "I must admit that much more than a barn has been raised." Plus she got me German lessons at the Beverly Hills Linguistic Institute and a trip to Maui. (Ach du Aloha!)
And from you all - thanks for our continuing and deepening friendships and the promise of even more personal growth and courageous behavior in the New Year.
"I had some great things and I had some bad things, the best and the worst. In other words, I had a life." ~ Richard Pryor
THE CULTURE WAR CONTINUES
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps? "The clerk says, "What denomination?"
"Heaven help us, she says, "Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
"Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly." ~ G.K. Chesterton
THANKS FOR THE GIFTS
From Zobo Bongo Davis, Brian Westley, Stevie Vallance, Gary Margolis, Steve Carlson, Flori Schutzer, Peter Bergman, Kenneth Wilhite, Jr., Eddie Deezen (who gives a wonderful animated performance in the incredible "Polar Express" which you MUST see in 3-D) -- and Santa!
"A little boy wrote, 'Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother.' Santa replied, 'Send me your mother'." ~ Phil's Phast Phunnies
AND GIFTS FOR YOU
LET US PREY: Presidential Prayer Team -
FUNNY SON: http://funandmagic.com/ImmediateArrest.mp3
"Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen." ~ Mort Sahl
+++++++++++++HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!+++++++++++++
Take More Pix in 2006!
"Please, oh please, don't make me have to decide between Hillary Clinton and Condoleezza Rice in 2008. " ~ Michael Dare, Disinformation Today