Planet Proctor 2005 Volume 17

"The trouble with reality is it leaves a lot to the imagination." ~ John Lennon 


        Such was the response of someone receiving the Planet who wished to be removed from future orbits. Well, I apologize if any of the rest of you feel that way, but remember: I am in the entertainment industry; this is a FREE promotional tool for me thatI hope also entertains and enlightens, and as I know from personal experience, you're always able to delete it and no one is ever the wiser. Enough said. Now, for the IMPORTANT stuff:

        Fox TV is airing two episodes of "Arrested Development" this Monday, November 7th @ 8pm and mine is the first entitled "Notapussy".  I guest star as "the Reverend Bob Patterson" with Charlize Theron and Dave Thomas, no less, and the episode is directed by my friend and neighbor, Lev Spiro.  Turn on the TIVO!

        As Lev writes, "Fun for the whole family, as long as your family is a bit... twisted."

   "When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." ~ Bernard Bailey  


        In the L.A. Times California section today, an article about a Sacramento-based breast-baring organization called "Breasts Not Bombs" caught my eye. It seems that they will all be arrested and registered as "sex offenders" if they dare to unmask their mams at a scheduled Capitol protest on Monday, even though they only employ public breast-baring as a "forum to speak about the vulnerability of humanity and the earth…a demonstration of what freedom is, what peace is, what liberty is."

        On the other hand, a judge has ruled that "there is no 1st Amendment right to bare breasts on the grounds of the state Capitol," and that the display of titular flesh would "create an immediate hazard to the general motoring public," expose picnicking children to indecency and present "a particularized danger to the public" because "sex offenders have been known to frequent" the park surrounding the Capitol.

        Breasts Not Bombs are also presenting "The Adventures of Super Activist Mother," a one-woman play to be performed on the west steps of the Capitol.  "Mammaries not Missiles," says one part of the script. "Nipples not Napalm. This issue is Soft Tissue!! This isn't easy, but this is an emergency."

   "Britney Spears' new Kabbalah-inspired Hebrew tattoo actually has the letters reversed, making it meaningless, proof once again of how hard it is to find a tattoo artist who graduated from a decent Hebrew School. -- Jacob Novak  Flori Shutzer

CAN YOU BARE IT?                

        Furthermore, in Rotterdam, The Netherlands, a Dutch designer created a wall of silicon breasts in all sizes to help male shoppers buy bras by look and feel to fit their wives or girlfriends.

        "Most men have a selective memory," says Wendy Rameckers of the Piet Zwart Institute for Retail and Design., "Usually they point to other women in the shop or,when asked about size, they say a 'handful'."

        Meantime, back here in the Land of the White Christian Taliban, a Brattleboroo, Vermont Halloween display offered a" Witch Lactation Station" featuring a baby

doll suckling on a gourd breast to advocate nursing in public.

        "I would hope if witches have babies and the witches would have to feed their babies, they would nurse," explained homeowner Lauren Petrie.

   "Rosa Parks died last week and in honor of her contribution to civil rights they put her coffin in the front seat of the hearse." ~ Mark Schiff and Steven Alan Green


        A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame and hearing that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually, so the mother sent her 8-year-old first and the clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat him down and asked sternly, "Where is God?"  The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.  So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!

     "The three wealthiest families in the world have more wealth than the 48 poorest nations combined." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts    Lloyd


Our nation must come together to unite. Leadership to me means duty, honor, country. It means character, and it means listening from time to time. I mentioned early on that I recognize there are hurdles, and we're going to achieve those hurdles. We are ready for any unforeseen event, which may or may not happen. The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are focused on what's best for America, honest men and women, decent men and women, women who will see service to our country as a great privilege and who will not stain the house. I understand small business growth. I was one. People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures. I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well. I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose, "You disarm, or we will." In my sentences I go where no man has gone before.

"What's the difference between the TV show 'Survivor' and the Presidency? On 'Survivor' they vote out the loser." ~ Steven Alan Green


        In "Elusive Peace: Israel and the Arabs," a major three-part series on BBC 2 shown last month, the Palestinian Prime Minister and his Foreign Minister Nabil Shaath, described their first meeting with President Bush in June 2003.

        According to Nabil Shaath, President Bush said to them all,  "I'm driven with a mission from God. God would tell me, George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan, and I did, and then God would tell me, George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq…and I did. And now, again, I feel God's words coming to me, Go get the Palestinians their state and get the Israelis their security, and get peace in the Middle East. And by God I'm gonna do it."

        "Why doesn't God tell crazy people to take their meds instead of killing their children?" ~ Melinda Peterson


        Or maybe just a short one, as Richard Smalley, the "father of nanotechnology" left the scene at 62.

        But here's the heart-breaking lyrics to a song that our dear friend Hamilton Camp left behind as part of his latest and last album, "Sweet Joy" which you can purchase from Jones Lee Stanley, PO 4848, West Hills CA 91308; or you can call Steve Chandler @ 818.888.3534.  It's called, "When I Die." (I'll try to put it up on my site.)

                When I die, I won't be gone,

                I'll be livin' in the everlasting.  

                While I'm here, I hope that I can find

                Answers to the questions life keeps askin'.

                Me?  It's a new beginning.

                When I dream, I'm dreamin' of a place

                And the knowing it's impossible to learn.  

                It is here, right before your eyes,

                Everywhere you go and everywhere you turn,

                Early in the morning, late at night.

                In my life, there's beauty everywhere,

                On the mountain high and the valley so low.  

                When I'm dead, and my soul flies away,

                Somewhere to a place that nobody really knows,

                And when I get there, I probably won't write no letters.  

                You just gotta come on and see for yourself,

                Cause in the end, it's a new beginning…

                You just got to come on, and see for yourself.  

                Cause in the end, it's a new beginning.

 "If Hemingway had lived to see his second childhood, would he have written 'The Old Man and the See Saw'?" ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        To Ham's best friend, Michael Cooke for the above, and to Lennie Weinrib, Michael Dare, Tom McMahon, Robert Lloyd and Tom Tully for their contributions.

"We must confront the privileged elite who have destroyed a large part of the world." ~ Hugo Chavez






        "Nothing is more fearful than imagination without taste."~  Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

© 2005 by Phil Proctor
Published November 12, 2005