Planet Proctor 2005 Volume 15

 Melinda says, " I Want My Country Back!"  Anyone want to make a bumper sticker?


        My gorgeous and talented daughter Kristin Proctor is appearing in a wonderful new play at the Meta Theatre right now for a short run.  We attended the opening last night, and we can say unequivocally that it's a brilliant, funny and sexy new work by playwright Paula Christensen interpreted by a truly outstanding, professional and attractive cast.  It's head and shoulders above the kind of shows you usually see around here.

      Kristin Proctor is, I must say in all candor, an amazingly , lovely and subtle young actress, and the ease with which she embraces the nudity required by her role must be attributed to her physically enlightened Norwegian upbringing (or maybe it's because her dad is still a hippie at heart). Anyway, I'm so proud of her I could burst.  Here are the details:

       "In Vitro" is @ the beautiful Meta Theatre, 7801 Melrose Avenue (actually up the street on Ogden) from September 9th to October 8th Performances are limited to Fridays and Saturdays at 8 pm with Saturday matinees at 2 on September 24th and October 8th. Get tickets at or call (866) 811-4111.  Please go.

     "In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. " ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        Once inside the bank, shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.

        As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The others opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.

        The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, comfortably full stomach.

         According to Planeteer Alan Meyerson, the March 2nd Dublin Times headline read: "Ireland's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed Early This Morning."   

   "But maddest of all:  to see life as it is...and not as it should be." ~ Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, " The Ingenious Hidalgo Don Quixote de la Mancha"


        Accounts Receivable Tax, Building Permit Tax, Capital Gains Tax, CDL license Tax, Cigarette Tax, Corporate Income Tax, Court Fines (indirect taxes), Dog License Tax, Federal Income Tax, Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA), Fishing License Tax, Food License Tax, Fuel permit tax, Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon), Hunting License Tax, Inheritance Tax Interest expense (tax on the money), Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax), IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax), Liquor Tax, Local Income Tax, Luxury Taxes, Marriage License Tax, Medicare Tax, Property Tax, Real Estate Tax, Septic Permit Tax, Service Charge Taxes, Social Security Tax, Road Usage Taxes (Truckers), Sales Taxes, Recreational Vehicle  Tax, Road Toll Booth Taxes, School Tax, State Income Tax, State Unemployment Tax (SUTA), Telephone federal excise tax, Telephone federal universal service fee tax, Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes, Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax. Telephone state and local tax, Telephone usage charge tax, Traffic Fines (indirect taxation), Trailer Registration Tax, Utility Taxes, Vehicle License Registration Tax, Vehicle Sales Tax, Watercraft Registration Tax, Well Permit Tax, Workers Compensation Tax…

        Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world with absolutely no national debt and the largest middle class in the world -- and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

        As Fred Willard says, "Wha' hoppen'd?"

     "I've always relied on the kindness of strangers."~  Blanche Dubois in" A Streetcar Named Desire" by Tennessee Williams


        "As the floodwaters rose, local officials in New Orleans ordered the city evacuated. They might as well have told their citizens to fly to the moon. How do you evacuate when you don't have a car? No hint of intelligent design in any of this. This was just survival of the richest," said Bob Schieffer on Face the Nation -- whose brother Tom, by the way, is a former Texas Rangers' business partner of G. W. Bush and is currently ambassador to Japan. Bob himself plays golf and fishes with the president.

        At the same time, the anti-abortion group Columbia Christians for Life declared that Katrina is God's punishment for America's tolerance of abortion rights, citing a satellite picture that looks like an ultrasound image of a 6-week-old fetus.

        "And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this, this is working very well for them," Barbara Bush told American Public Media's "Marketplace" program, before returning to her multi-million dollar Houston home.

        But the government can do no wrong, because as Planet seer Bruce Mitchell notes citing Gore Vidal. "He has oft stated that if one really reads the Constitution, one sees clearly that in the end it is government by fiat, because at any time for any reason the president can rule by Executive Order, and under the right circumstances with the right persons in power, it will be done.

        "What we are witnessing is Mussolini's wet dream come true. The ultimate corporatism is here and now, corporatism which by his own account is the true definition of his political movement, the perfect blending of big business and government for the purpose of reshaping society to enrich the power elite and enable their complete control."

    "Collective fear stimulates herd instinct, and tends to produce ferocity toward those who are not regarded as members of the herd." ~ Bertrand Russell


                In "Fascism Anyone?" author Laurence Britt identifies 14 characteristics common to fascist regimes.

                1.Powerful and Continuing Nationalism

                2. Disdain for the Recognition of Human Rights

                3. Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause

                4. Supremacy of the Military

                5. Rampant Sexism

                6. Controlled Mass Media

                7. Obsession with National Security

                8. Religion and Government are Intertwined

                9. Corporate Power is Protected

                10. Labor Power is Suppressed

                11. Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts

                12. Obsession with Crime and Punishment

                13. Rampant Cronyism and Corruption

                14. Fraudulent Elections

        The word "Fascism" emerged as a public relations ploy symbolizing to the power of Imperial Rome, as sheaves (fascia) tightly bound together represent the unbreakable authority attained by a band of closely-knit elites.  

      "Official Washington was like a dog watching television. It saw the lights and images, but did not seem to comprehend their meaning or see any link to reality." ~ Bob Schieffer


        Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No." And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing and fishing and drank a lot. THE END.

   "Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. The only difference is that tens of thousands of people weren't stranded in Monica Lewinsky's vagina. " ~ Jon Stewart


        A man died and went to heaven and as he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

        St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

        "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

        "Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

        "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

"The Reagan administration declared government the enemy and set about to destroy it.  The problem is, in America, the government is the people." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        …That this orbit is maybe a little more political than usual?  That's because after my super patriotic rant last time, only 2 folks asked to be taken off the planet and 24 asked to sign on. So I figure two things: either people enjoy a laugh no matter what side of the aisle it comes from and will tolerate an occasional flash of my undeniably progressive underpinnings (thank you) or they just skip the stuff they don't want to hear.

        Are you reading this?

"The history of the world is like: he kills me, I kill him." ~ Woody Allen


        My friend Brad Schreiber is researching a book about things going wrong in live theatre to be published next year by Thunder's Mouth Press, called Stop the Show! A History of Absurd Incidents and Insane Accidents.   

        Brad is looking for specific stories and all contributors will be acknowledged. It can be tragic, like the man who died of a heart attack during The Phantom of the Opera, because he thought the chandelier falling from the ceiling was real, or it can be humorous, like the small Alabama theatre where an actress playing a mom baking a pie in a practical oven burned down the whole set.

        Also welcome are personal or second-hand anecdotes or published stories from onstage, backstage, the audience, the lobby, or the flies. Contact him at

  "Do you know why they didn't fix up the levees in New Orleans?  They thought they were Jewish!" ~ -Al Franken


         These days, if I let too many issues spin by without acknowledging the loss of professional icons and personal acquaintances, I end up having a mass burial like this, so here goes: James "Engineer Scotty" Doohan was beamed up.  Bob "Li'l Buddy" Denver is off on a 3-hour cruise.  Francis "Battling Bickersons" Langford is bickering no more.

        And among the greats with whom I actually worked was Geraldine Fitzgerald, a grand and gracious lady of the theatre I performed with in The Cherry Orchard in New York in the 60s, Pixar writer and voice actor Joe Ranft who died so senselessly in a tragic auto mishap up north, writer Gary Belkin with whom I shared many a laugh and who said, "If you give a man a fish, also give him a lemon wedge and basil"; and dear Pat McCormick, who said… Well, he said so much and it was all so funny, here and now to Chuck McCann, Jack Riley, Howard Storm and a slew of others who honored him a few night's ago at the Writers Guild Theater.

        And finally, a heartfelt farewell to George D. Wallace - known best as "Rocket man" Commando Cody in a series of unforgettable Republic cliffhangers.  He leaves his talented wife Jane A. Johnston to carry on after dying from complications suffered in a fall at Pisa, Italy.  His wonderful stories and spunky spirit are available in an interview we conducted here for the DVD of Proctor & Bergman's J-Men Forever.

        And our prayers go out to all our friends and the unknown families who have lost so much in the recent natural and unnatural disasters that struck our nation.

     "No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking.  No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67.  That is 17 years past 50.  17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring…. Act your old  age.  Relax.  This won't hurt." ~ Hunter S. Thompson's suicide note


        Hopefully, we all are when it comes to the suffering in the other Gulf. Our favorite charities include OPERATION USA, so please consider a contribution.  But those who helped me this week include George Cratcha, Lee & Sandy Ernst, Gary Margolis, Lennie Weinrib, Michael Dare, Mr. Bonzai, Ed Ryba, Brian Westley, Bill Coombs and magic man John Carney.

     "All knowledge is connected to all other knowledge.  The fun is in making the connections."  ~ Paleopathologist  Arthur Aufderheide in New Yorker magazine

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© 2005 by Phil Proctor
Published September 12, 2005