Planet Proctor 2005 Volume 14

 "Everybody wants to save the earth. Nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes." ~ PJ O'Rourke, Tom McMahon


        On June 15th, director/producer/husband Lev Spiro and writer/producer/wife Melissa Rosenberg set out from the "godless, hedonistic, gay sitcom-embracing commune of Los Angeles to discover the real Amerika." They traveled 6700+ miles over a month through 18 states, deserts, mountains, forests, swamps and cities and their journey ended safely on Tuesday July 12th, Year of Our Dark Lord George Bush Junior, Two Thousand and Five.

        "After a beautiful drive from Jackson to Brigham City Utah, an ugly drive from Brigham City through Salt Lake City and Provo, and another beautiful drive down to Cedar City, we holed up for some rest at the Abbey Inn. Dinner that night is at Milt's, a local eatery where I sampled an irresistibly named 'You Can't Just Have One.'

         "Who said Mormons are humorless? Okay, that may have been me." For all of Lev & Melissa's Red State Adventures, go to <>

        Also, our ex-pat pal Larry belling wrote that imports of the Scottish dish haggis have been banned since the FDA has reclassified the Scots beloved dish as fertilizer.

 And this is the same government agency that is banning non-prescription use of a next-day contraceptive pill because it could promote promiscuous behavior in teenage girls.  We're doomed by Dumb-ocracy.

      "Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson


        After being banned from "Big Brother 6," I was cast almost immediately to perform in two wonderful independent short films.  First, as the title role in "the Transition of William Gray," written and directed by Kristofer Bryan, and  then as the judge  in "I'm Not Gay", created buy our pal Andy Lerner, which has already been entered into he Palm Springs festival.  <>

     "What is the West but a giant supermarket? And who really wants to die for a supermarket?" ~ From "Bangkok Tattoo" by John Burdett @


        OK, dear friends.  I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore.          Sorry, but I'm fed up with the Republicons, whom I consider to be ideological, anti-scientific  "con-men" who have and will continue to lie to the American people in order to stay in power and bend our once great nation to their "superior" agenda.

    These corporate raiders eked their way back into office after yet another brutal and dishonest smear campaign on a platform the promised to protect us and insure a swift respond to any further foreign assaults.  But as we watch, aghast, at the deplorable ineptitude and lack of planning following the recent natural disaster in the Gulf coast, it is woefully clear that they are not, and never have been, up to the task.

    Please, I beg you, before you vote for any more of these demigogs, look around you, consider their selfish and misguided prerogatives, and think about the damage they have already done to our nation and the world.

   "Evolutionists are anti-American…" ~ Leila McGrath, Holtsville NY, Time magazine letters


                Rejoice!  You're 65…

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe because your friends can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

      "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss


        My friend Brad Schreiber has been commissioned to write a book about things going terribly wrong in live theatre, called Stop the Show! A History of Absurd Incidents and Insane Accidents by Thunder's Mouth Press, a NY imprint of Avalon Publishing.         Brad is looking for e-mailed, specific stories like the man who died of a heart attack during the opening weeks of The Phantom of the Opera because he didn't know the chandelier falling from the ceiling was a prop; or it can be humorous, like the small Alabama theatre where an actress, playing a mother putting a pie in a working oven, burned down the whole set.

        Also, personal anecdotes or second-hand stories from anywhere and anytime in the last 100 years oe so are also welcome wether they come from onstage, backstage, the audience, the lobby, in the flies -- he doesn't care. All contributors will be acknowledged.

 Contact him at

       "It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis." ~ Margaret Bonnano


        Planeteer/actor Michael C. Gwynne informed me that in the book "50 Things You're Not Supposed To Know", Russ Kick reports that four paternal descendants (all male) of Adolf Hitler (born Schickelgruber of Jewish ancestry) were born between 1949 and 1965 in New York State in the USA.

        One died in an auto accident in 1989. Two of them have vowed never to have children. The other is presently childless and describes his ancestry as "a pain in the ass". They are the only living descendants of Hitler's paternal line.

           "Memorizing dates incorrectly since 1886." ~ Pomona College History Dept. Tee-shirt


        As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring.  

        "What happened, Lilly," she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "The wedding off?"

         "Yeah," Lilly admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet."

"Life is sexually transmitted." ~ George Cratcha


        The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

        Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

        Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

        Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

        Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

        Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

        Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

        Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

        Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

        Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

        Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

        Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

        Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

        Glibido: All talk and no action.

        Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

        Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

        Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

        Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

                      "'Mensa' in Spanish means 'stupid." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding Heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side, saying "Hello? Hello?"

        Jesus replied, "Who is it?"

        "Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied.

        Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, "Joseph?"

        The voice answered back, "Pinocchio?"

   "Nathan Hale was hanged on 3rd Avenue and 66th Street, where now stands a Starbucks." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


© 2005 by Phil Proctor
Published September 9, 2005