Planet Proctor 2005 Volume 11

“When all men give to others the rights they claim for themselves, the world will be civilized.”  ~ Robert G. Ingersoll, U.S, lawyer 1833-1899


        "Zombies rising from the dead sound like the stuff of horror films and nightmares but it could soon be reality," states an article in The London Daily Mail concerning researchers at Pittsburgh's Safar Center who have apparently discovered a way to bring dead dogs back to life using a "suspended animation" technique.

        After replacing the blood of these brain dead critters with an ice-cold saline solution to preserve tissues and organs, they re-infuse the Fidos with new blood and electric shocks restart the heart. The pupsicles appeared unharmed by their suspension and had suffered no brain damage, according to spokesman Baron Von Frankenstein.

        So man's best friend may help save the lives of battlefield casualties or stabbings victims suffering massive blood loss, and the scientists are now dogging hospitals for trials on trauma patients.

"Like an egg in a tornado, it's all over now."~- Ancient Kansas proverb

Wilshire corridor, 2004.  Photo by Philm Proctor

"Most of Pamela Anderson turned 38 this week." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        Authentic scientific reasons why men have two dogs and not two wives:

        Dogs can't talk.  Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs and don't notice if you call them by another dog's name and the later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

        Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. Dogs like to do their snooping outside, rather than in your wallet or desk. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. A dog's parents never visit.

        Dogs do not hate their bodies. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing and they love to ride in the back of a pickup truck. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

         A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. Another man will seldom steal your dog. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. Dogs seldom outlive you. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

        And, last but not least -- If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

"Are you really so arrogant as to believe that we are alone in the universe?" ~ Mad Tom Cruise (or IS he…?)


        The top ten list of things that sound dirty but in a law firm, aren't:

                10. Have you looked through her briefs?

                 9. He is one hard judge.

                 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

                 7. Her attorney withdrew it at the last minute.

                 6. Is it a penal offense?

                 5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

                 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

                 3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

                 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could

             (And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but isn't:)

                1. Think you can get me off?

"I hold it that a little rebellion now and then is a good thing and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical." ~ Mad Tom Jefferson, 1787


        The day after Entertainment Weekly mentioned Firesign podcasting with a

link, we signed on 3000 new subscribers!  The online article revealed Apple's iTunes plan to dominate the brave new world of Podcasting by offering free downloads of almost 3,000 pro and amateur audio shows, including recommended artists like "Firesign Theatre (new and old bits from the venerable comedy troupe)."

 "Elderly: A man in his forties." ~ V.O. copy directions


        A key highway though Florida was closed after a driver spotted what looked like a pipe bomb under an overpass. Fearing terrorists were trying to blow up the structure; police closed Interstate 75 for an hour. But on closer inspection police found that the 'device' was actually a foot-long plastic penis.

        "Someone took construction-grade plastic moulded it into a penis and wrapped it with duct tape," said Lee County Sheriff's Chief Deputy Charles Ferrante. The bomb squad was brought in to handle the situation and a remote-controlled robot used to make the fake penis safe.

        Meanwhile, the head of the Fish Empathy Project for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has protested that serving fish at an aquarium like Sea World just isn't right. As L.A. Time's feature columnist Amanda Covarrubias noted, it's like in "Lilo and Stitch" where Lilo refused to make a tuna sandwich for her fishy friend because it would be "an abomination." (Sorry, dear, fish is off.)

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." ~ President Bush


                A pilgrim struggled hard to reach the top of Mt. Sinai and to get close enough to talk directly to God. Looking up, he asked, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

                "A minute," the Lord replied.

                "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" he asked.

                "A penny," replied the Lord.

                " OK. Can I have a penny?"

                "In a minute"…"

     "Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof."  ~ Ashley Montague -

EVESDROOPING offers actual conversations overheard on the sizzling summer streets of the Big Ampoule and here's some samples…

        Girlfriend: "And no more talking about economics when you are inside of me..."

        Guy on cell: "I didn't throw the lamp at you because I was out of control, I threw the lamp at you because you said I was out of control."

        Girl on cell: "Like, how many miles are in a square mile?"

        Tourist: "You know, for such a big city, it's funny that New York has no rivers."

        Drunk girl: "So, the bill is $80, the tip should be $16, right? So $80 and $16 is $136...We've got $150 here, that's more than enough; let's take $10 back for the cab...So are we really going to Scores now?" (Heard at the White Horse Tavern, Hudson Street, just down the block from my apartment in the 60s!)

        Hobo: '"Scuse me. You wanna give a quarter to the United Negro Pizza Fund?"

        White guy on cell: "Look, Jackson was tried by a jury of his peers, they were all white, and they let him off."

    "When the verdict came in on the Michael Jackson trial, it was such a tense moment for Michael that for a moment, his faced turned black." ~ British chat show host, Jonathan Ross


        "Greetings!" And welcome to Sinan Unel's fascinating "Pera Palas", where wife Melinda Peterson will be portraying multiple roles including a Harem beauty and an old Turkish man from July 23rd through August 28th at the beautiful Theatre @ Boston Court in Pasadena. Previews start on July 14th and since this is a co-production with our brilliant Antaeus Company, there will be two benefits, Sunday July 31 and August 7th.  

        One or both of these special "party" performances may include a post-performance birthday bash to celebrate my 65th (on July 28th), so get ready to respond to the mailed invitations!  It's a bargain at $50 a ticket and it's for a great cause.  "Bu kadar!"

 "Do you fear change?  Then give it to me…"~ Phil's Phast Funnies


        Last week Winnie The Pooh suffered the loss of the voices of both Tigger (Paul Winchell) and Piglet (John Fiedler), both in their 80s, and the totally unexpected passing of Steve Bell, director of the Museum of Television and Radio here in Beverly Hills. Melinda and I had just worked with him at two Norman Corwin celebrations at the museum and the Skirball Center. He was 66 and died of a heart attack at his home. He's now being celebrated himself, no doubt in Heavenly Hills.

        In Dr. Winchell's (born Wilchen's) case, we also lost a beloved vent and an inventor of some note, having patented, among other items, the first artificial heart, a disposable razor and an invisible garter.  A former stutterer, he also wrote an incredibly intelligent and highly controversial book inspired by his near-fatal psychological response to the overzealous religious indoctrination he endured as a child, titled "God 2000" (published in 1982), investigating a religious life "without the Bible."  It's shockingly prescient.

        I worked with Paul on "The Smurfs" (he was "Gargamel") and he autographed my copy of the book, "To Philip, Good Health always."  I send personal condolences to his wonderfully witty daughter, April, and the rest of the family.  "TTFN," Paul.

     " If God is the designer and we are all created in his image, does that mean that God has back problems, too?" ~ David P. Barash, coauthor of "Madam Bovary's Ovaries"


        Three churchgoers from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? "

        One said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a revered spiritual leader, and a great family man."

        The next commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

        And the last stated,  "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

    "We often hear of people dying on their 'deathbeds.' My advice to anyone seeing one of these 'deathbeds' is to stay well away and on no account get on to it." ~ Letter to U.K.'s Viz magazine


        Grateful great goopy gratitude to JW Reynolds, Garry Margolis, Lennie Weinrib, Steven Alan Green, Robert Lloyd, Brian Westley, and Fortean Times' Steve Seiveking for jokes and odd news.

"Leftist feelings are rebellion against reality." ~ Rightwing radio host Dennis Prager





OUCH: Falling Woman


"I know not why we should blush to confess that molasses was an essential ingredient in American independence."  John Adams

Photo by Charles Moed on 9/11 Memorial Day, 2004

© 2005 by Phil Proctor
Published July 6, 2005