Planet Proctor 2005 Volume 10

 BUSH A THREAT, EH?

        Canadians believe U.S. President George W. Bush is almost as great a threat to our national security as Osama bin Laden, according to a government opinion poll obtained by the National Post.

        The 1,500 people contacted by the Department of National Defence listed International Organized Crime as the top danger but tied for second were U.S. Foreign Policy and Terrorism, "with 37 per cent rating it a great risk. Just behind those worries came Climate Change and Global Warming, Weapons of Mass Destruction, and Potential Weaponization of Space, while Health threats, such as the SARS outbreak of 2003, nuclear threats, natural disasters and countries in turmoil, were the least worrisome.

        John Thompson, director of the MacKenzie Institute think-tank on security issues, said,  "There's a huge split in the Canadian public mind, between people who are worried about terrorism and people who think that the U.S. are the real terrorists."  

        He added, though, that the public should be skeptical about the Canadian Forces' readiness. "We could barely handle a major domestic incident like [an] ice storm today, forget about a terrorist attack," he said.

  "Mark Felt had the temerity to call himself Deep Throat, when all he ever blew was the whistle." ~ Red Buttons at the Friars Club

FEMALE PRAYER

                                Before I lay me down to sleep,

                                I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

                                One who's handsome, smart and strong.

                                One who loves to listen long,

                                One who thinks before he speaks.

                                One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

                                I pray he's gainfully employed,

                                When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

                                Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

                                Massages my back and begs to do more.

                                Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

                                And knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

                                I pray that this man will love me to no end.

                                Will always be my very best friend. Amen.

MALE PRAYER

        I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs, who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.  This doesn't rhyme with anything and I don't give a shit.

"I had been in hell, and now I'm in Hollywood." ~ Paul Rusesabagina, the real hero of  "Hotel Rwanda"

THE GODMANCHESTER GHOST

        On our latest visit this April to see our friends George and Sue White in March, Cambrideshire on our way to perform in another radio series for Roger Gregg's Dublin-based Crazy Dog Audio Theatre on RTE, we heard the tale of a still unexplained ghostly manifestation they both experienced 21 years ago there in the Fens.

        At the time, George and his wife were in the business of developing local cottages for resale and one of the places they lived in was a renovated property in the small hamlet of Godmanchester that locals claimed had a history of being haunted.

        In fact, during the months they occupied the place, Sue in particular seemed sensitive to a presence which gave her frequent chills and an uneasy feeling, especially at night, and their young daughter, Emma often felt unsettled enough to abandon her bedroom for theirs, complaining if feelings of dread. Furthermore, when Sue's sister-in-law was an overnight guest, she too felt oddly ill at ease and voiced her misgivings. Their dog was similarly affected and was often found barking at a particular spot on the wall at the head of the staircase with his back hairs bristling.

        Then, one afternoon, George needed to take a 35mm picture of the brick fireplace for professional purposes and although there were no smokers on the premises or smoke in the room, the flash photo he took revealed this inexplicable anomaly.  Explanations, anyone?

Photograph by George White

"I'm not aware of any Downing Street Memo." ~ Darth Cheney

PLAY IT AGAIN, ASAM

        Blogger Sean Daniel writes in the "Huffington Post" that rumor-monger Matt Drudge has heard that songs by Christina Aguilera have been utilized as tools of torture at the controversial Guantánamo Bay prison facility and he notes that "Just as ring tones have proven to be a huge new source of income, the use of recorded songs in interrogation techniques should clearly be licensed. The material is being used in a professional setting, much like melodies that are played in an elevator."

        Indeed, "Are intellectual property rights being 'flushed down the toilet'"?

    "Remember one thing, there's only one obstacle: you and your mind." ~ Arnold  Schwarzenegger

                                        HUNGRY AND FOOLISH

        These are excerpts from a commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and Pixar at Stanford University, June 12, 2005:

        "About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months…        

"Later that evening I had a biopsy…I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

        "No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

        "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice and most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

        "When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog… It was sort of like Google in paperback form… On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: 'Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.' It was their farewell message as they signed off… And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish."

"Coffee should be as strong as love, as sweet as sin and as black as hell." ~ Turkish proverb

HAVE A FUNNY BIRTHDAY!

        The Funny Times, who have run selections from the Planet for many years now, are celebrating their 20th birthday next month and are sponsoring a blowout weekend party from Friday, July 29th (the day after my 65th) through Sunday, July 31st including a trip to the "7 Wonders of Cleveland" on Saturday.  There will also be a Lake Erie beach party and picnic , a cemetery walk "featuring a dead president," a blues concert, and Cajun cooking, for which Shaker Heights has always been famous.

        Because of my own celebration and my summer job with "Big Brother 6," I probably won't be able to attend, but if any of the Planeteers live in the area, please check it out and send me a report. http://www.funnytimes.com

        "Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything." ~ Bob Dylan

AN UPLIFTING TALE

        A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's and told the saleslady, "I'd like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B." With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

        A Jewish bra," he insisted.  "She said you'd know what she wanted."

        "Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra or the Presbyterian bra." Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"

        It's really quite simple," she said. "The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian keeps them staunch and upright."

        So -- what does the Jewish bra do?" he asked.

        "A Jewish Bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

  "When I split an infinitive, God damn it, I split it so it stays split." ~ Raymond Chandler

AND THANKS ALS O, TOO…

        The Department of Redundancy Department, Dr. Jawn, Gary Margolis, Alan Meyerson, John Rambo, Bill Coombs, Bill Sussex, Lex Passaris, John Lahr and Chuck White.

      "I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.  It's the truth." ~ Charles Chaplin

LOST IN CYBERSPACE, THE SEQUEL

SAY WHAT? http://www.brookviewcottage.com/miles/cards/noah/noah.html

FAST FINGERS: http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/

SPACED SOUNDS: http://www.planetary.org/sounds

MEN IN COATS: http://www.koreus.com/files/200505/men-in-coats.html

PANTYQUEST: http://www.forgetmenotpanties.contagiousmedia.org/about.html

STUFF ON CATS: http://www.stuffonmycat.com/

CLUCK: http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1417224.html

   "Some honestly believe they are motivated by the truth, they are motivated by a higher calling, they are motivated  by, I guess, a direct line to the heavens." ~ Hillary Clinton

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2005 by Phil Proctor
Published June 31, 2005