Planet Proctor 2005 Volume 09

 OH, LORD…

… Whoever and wherever you may or may not be, God of all ages, races, creeds, colors, astrological coordinates and gender specifications; one God, or perhaps three, or maybe a whole lot more; God of many names, You know who You are, we pray that You, or at least a two-thirds majority of You, look down upon us with favor, forgive us the sins we have committed against You and your creation, or if it turns out we created You, forgive us for that.

Grant that we may grow in grace. Walk in wisdom and abide in love, hewing ever close to the examples set forth in the scriptures of world culture, which may or may not have been inspired by You or Someone like You.

Deliver us from ourselves, that we may know complete satisfaction or return the unused portion, and increase our faith in the hereafter and whatever’s here after that, fulfilling the promise of redemption given to Your Chosen People and other people chosen as alternatives, that on the Day of Non-Judgementalism we may enter the gates of eternity and find at last, the true mates for all of our socks.

Amen and women, too.

“We work in the world of the theatre, safe and dangerous, small and infinite.” ~ Doug Hughes, director

AN OPEN AND SHUT CASE

Well, “Mother Courage” is over and it was a great run. Thanks to all of you who made the effort to see it. Next up, Melinda will play several roles in “Pera Palas” by Sinan Unel, a co-production with Antaeus, opening on July 23rd at the beautiful, modern 99-seat Theatre @ Boston Court in Pasadena. Why do we do it? Certainly not for the money!

As Moss Hart once wrote, “I have said that the theater is a foolish profession. It is. To depend on it for an honest livelihood is lunacy, and its working conditions are idiotic. But there is no other profession, I think, that can possibly give one that feeling of exhilaration and joy, that indescribable excitement of walking toward a first rehearsal with a play under your arm that you believe in, to meet the cast that is going to bring that play alive. There is no other feeling like it in the world.”

“I’ve been through it all, baby, I’m Mother Courage” ~ Elizabeth Taylor

PRESCHOOL PERSONAL

Single white toddler seeks immature mate

For committed relationship (start with play date).

Residing with parents, but moving out soon;

Newly toilet-trained; learning to eat with a spoon;

Enjoys naps, will take turns, never hogs the sandbox;

Booster shots up to date, and has had chicken pox.

Let's share jungle gym workouts, long crawls on the beach,

And a cookie jar well stocked (though just out of reach)!

Please, no head lice; no rashes; don't hit and don't whine--

And please don't tell mommy I met you online.

So wrote Montana Miller in The Lozenge, Vol. 6, #11, inspired by an Associated Press article noting that 23% of nursery school toddlers have gone online and by kindergarten -- 32%!

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” ~ Winston Churchill

IN THE NOOSE

More terrifying tidbits from the world press…

One in three U.S. high school students say that the press should be restricted and that a government agency should approve news before readers see it, according to a survey on First Amendment Rights sponsored by the Knight Foundation at the University of Connecticut as reported in USA Today. But in the wonderful world of radio, Rush Limbaugh will be offering stripped-down versions of his daily gabfest in the newly evolving medium of Podcasting, joining his idols, The Firesign Theatre. An April report by scientists from NASA, Columbia University and the U.S. Department of Energy, states that there can no longer be substantial doubt that human-made gases are the cause of most observed global warming. They call it “a smoking gun.”

Meanwhile, more than 200 Fish and Wildlife researchers have warned that the Bush administration regularly alters their findings directed towards the preservation of endangered species. “Science [is being] ignored – and worse, manipulated, to build a bogus rationale for reversal of these listing decisions,” one scientist is quoted as saying in the February 10th L.A. Times article.

In the brouhaha over a potential addition of a 424 area code to the present 310, it has been suggested that inhabitants of the affected neighborhoods have become “code dependent” on the tony numbers. Indeed, local DJs commonly poke fun at the Inland Empire’s 909 appellation, but T-Mobile spokesperson Susan Lipper (sic) says, “The finite nature of math is catching up with us.”

On the other hand, NASA is presently working on a xenon gas-fueled ion propulsion system called Herakles that could send nuclear-powered space ships to the outer reaches of the solar system at speeds of 200,000mph by 2006. Now that would be a long distance call.

Chinese philosopher Confucius’ name is Kongfuzi in Pinyin and means “Master Kong.”~ Phil’s Philosophical Phacts

DON’T MONKEY WITH MARIJUANA!!!

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Doin’ a number, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend." So the lizard climbs up and takes some hits. After a while the reptile gets drymouth and goes to get a drink from the river, but the little lizzie is so stoned he falls in. A crocodile sees this, swims over to his reptilian relative and saves him from drowning.

"What's the matter with you, brother?” he asks, and the lizard explains that he got too wasted smoking dope with his new monkey friend. Well, the curious croc has to check this out, so he waddles into the jungle to locate the tree where sits the simian.

And when the monkey spots him down below, he says "DAAAAMN, DUDE....

How much water did you drink?"

“Never be too open minded; your brain could fall out.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

BRITISH MYSTERIES SOLVED

And ironically, NOT from my spies in the U.K., but an avowed Googler, Eric Kaye (with an assist by Michael Simmons), here are translations of the obscure Tshirts I alluded to in the past Planet….

"I came on Eileen", is in response to the early 80's song by one-hit wonders Dexy's Midnight Runners titled "Come on Eileen". "321, your back in the room" is from the Brit TV Show "Little Britain" -- a line by a hypnotist. "Drink feck arse" is from the Irish show Father Ted and “Chavin'“ is Britspeak for a townie/redneck/hick/peasant.

And by the way, Britain’s oldest shoe was recently uncovered in a hollow tree trunk. It’s a size 10 1/2 from the early Iron Age about 2,000 years back. No taps?

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. “ ~ Paul Hornung

BEER WITH ME

Dave Barry wrote, “Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. “ To which H.L. Mencken added, “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” And even Benjamin Franklin opined, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

But it was the great Babe Ruth who rhapsodized, “Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver?"

And finally, George Bernard Shaw said, “ When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! “

“Remember I before E, except in Budweiser.“ ~ Professor Irwin Corey

WADE FOR IT…

An armless and legless man was sitting on a beach. Three women happened by

and felt sorry for the poor fellow.

The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, "Have you ever been f**ked?"

The fellow's heart started beating faster as he replied, "No."

She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."

"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows."~ Rugrats writer Monica Piper

My daughter, Kristin Proctor, future star…

ALL WET

Here are some writings by primary school kids aged 5 to 8 about “The Sea”: Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. When me and Sarah went to the seaside in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun.

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.

“Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front." ~ Julie Nathanson OUCH!

WHAT A PAIN: http://www.markfiore.com/animation/pain.html

“Why did I write? Because I found life unsatisfactory.” ~ Tennessee Williams

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2005 by Phil Proctor
Published June 24, 2005