Planet Proctor 2005 Volume 07

"The fact that it really is no good at all does not stand in the way of its being completely watchable." ~ LA Times review of the TV movie,  "Hercules"


                How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young; we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!


BOXER: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

LAB: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeze, please, please, please!

GERMAN SHEPHERD: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...

GREYHOUND:  It isn't moving. Who cares?

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD:  First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

POODLE:  I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.

THE CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs; people change light bulbs. So, the real question is, how long will it be before I can expect some light, dinner, and a massage? (Proving once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.)

  "The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."~ Anonymous


        The recent completion of the new Berlin Holocaust Memorial, made up of 2,711 concrete slabs, laid out in a vast field like "a rippling tide of floating gravestones," according to the L.A. Times' Jeffrey Fleishman, had been delayed when it was uncovered that the company hired to apply an anti-graffiti treatment had 60 years earlier supplied Zyklon B gas for horrendous mistreatments. After an apology, however, the cover-up was completed as planned.

        No such apology has yet been offered by our own Halliburton Company, however, investigated for overage abuses in restoring a ruined Iraq. Instead, Mr. Cheney's former company was awarded $72 million in bonuses for "logistics work."  That's logical.

        "We set up the courts; we can unseat the courts. We have the power of the purse." ~ Tom Delay, April 13th


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto the blockage will be almost instantly removed.   

2.Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.  

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.  

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while thus reducing the pressure in your arteries.  

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.  

    The Parking Coordinator for Woody Allen's "Melinda and Melinda" is Leo Driver ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        Parts of Europe have been experiencing the heaviest snowfalls since 1941, with some places registering more than ten feet of snow in 24 hours, but when rescue teams found a drunken Richard Kral staggering along a mountain path, they had no idea that his inebriation was his salvation.

        Four days earlier, his Audi had been buried in an avalanche in the Slovak Tatra Mountains and when he'd opened car window to dig his way out, the snow just cascaded in, filling his car.

        However -- he was carrying 60 half-liter bottles of holiday beer and after downing one as he contemplated his dilemma, he realized he could whiz on the snow pack to melt it. "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it," he reported.  "It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt but I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there."

        See?  Beer is good for you!

      "By 2050 we would expect to be able to download your mind into a machine, so when you die it's not a major career problem," ~ Ian Pearson, head of the BT futurology unit


        An article by NY Times journalist Warren St. John decries the death of old-fashioned joke telling and lays part of the blame, after the P.C. craze and attention span deficit, on Gerald Ford's former script writer Robert Orben, fabled for his snappy one-liners.

        We know that as far back as ancient Athens there was a pundits' club in the temple of Heracles called the Group of 60, and although storytellers still ruled in the 5os, the impending threat of nuclear annihilation had a chilling effect.

        "Before the atomic bomb everyone had a sense that there was a future," adds Arizona State Professor Don L. F. Nilsen, executive secretary of the International Society for Humor Studies. "Now we're at the hands of fate. We could go up at any moment. In order to deal with something as horrendous as that, we've become a little cynical…"

            "Some brain-damaged people can't comprehend sarcasm." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        So, in the interest of keeping up with the times, here's more of Phil's Phast Phunnies…

        "Rebel without a Cosby" is presently playing at the Whiskey à Gogo.     

        Mark Twain wrote, "I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him."  

        Doctor walks into bank, reaches for his pen to sign a check, pulls out a rectal thermometer instead. "Damn," he says. "Some asshole's got my pen."

        A guy comes back from an audition and says, "Mom, I got the part of the White House reporter who asks tough questions." She says, "You go right back and get yourself a speaking part!"

        A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box and sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention and finally, pounds times on the wall. "Ain't no use knockin'" says the sot, "There's no paper on this side either."

        And finally, according to a student paper, Stephen Foster wrote songs in two popular genres - "sentimental and menstrual."

  "Sony's new PlayStation 3 is 35 times as powerful as the model it replaced, and one percent as powerful as a human brain." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        "Now it is true that I believe this country is following a dangerous trend when it permits too great a degree of centralization of governmental functions. I oppose this--in some instances the fight is a rather desperate one. But to attain any success it is quite clear that the Federal government cannot avoid or escape responsibilities which the mass of the people firmly believe should be undertaken by it.

        The political processes of our country are such that if a rule of reason is not applied in this effort, we will lose everything -- even to a possible and drastic change in the Constitution. This is what I mean by my constant insistence upon "moderation" in government.

        Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things. Among them are H. L. Hunt (you possibly know his background), a few other Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or businessman from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid."

        So wrote Dwight Eisenhower, in a letter to his brother Edgar on November 8th, 1954.        

       "Bush is dangerous because he believes in god.  Once someone believes in god, they were flying the airplanes. They can't be trusted." ~ Penn Jillette


        Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people pass by, but they only put money into the hat of the guy behind the cross, so finally, a priest goes up to the beggar with the Star of David and says,

        "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a 'Star of David' in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they'd probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar thanked the priest and then turned to the beggar with the cross and said, "Moshe -- look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."  

     "The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket."  ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

DON'T ASK…      

        On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

      On the second day God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh and I'll grant you a twenty-year life span." "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so," said Mr. Monkey. "The dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

        On the third day God created the cow and said, "You will go to the field with the farmer all day long in the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farm and I will give you a life span of sixty. "The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life for sixty years. Give me twenty and I'll give you the other forty." And God agreed again.

        On the fourth day God created humans. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. You've got twenty years." And the humans said, "What? Only twenty! Tell you what, just add the forty the cow gave back and the ten from the monkey and the dog's ten, too. That makes eighty, okay?"

     "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

      So that's why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." ~ Will Rogers


        The US Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of President George W. Bush to honor the achievements of his first term, but it was reported that that the stamp is not sticking as it should so the President demanded an investigation.

         Now, after months of testing, a special presidential commission has made the following findings:

        The stamp is in perfect order.  There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side.  

   "The truth is whatever you get people to believe."~ Tom Smothers on the TV Land Awards


        Mark Bramhall, Marc Cashman, George Cratcha's "Take A Break", Michael Dare, Steven Allan Green, William Johnson, Gary Margolis, Jan & Debbie Palshus Brian Westley and Ziv Zivkovich.

               "When Congress in is session, no man is safe." ~ Will Rogers






                        "Grub first, then ethics."  ~ Bertolt Brecht



© 2005 by Phil Proctor
Published MAY 24, 2005