Planet Proctor 2005 Volume 05

"You don't escape from life, you escape into it." ~ Moss Hart 


Our production of "Mother Courage" has garnered rave reviews from everyone.  Here's a sampler to entice you…

        "Director Andrew J. Robinson outdoes himself, keeping the delivery satirical and the stakes bayonet-sharp. The actors form an elemental ensemble. To see [Anne Gee Byrd's] laser-beam eyes fade at one loss after another…is to witness a definitive performance. The strongest Antaeus outing yet." (David C. Nichols, The Los Angeles Times)

"This Antaeus production is a raw shout of anger and despair, and it deserves a large audience."  (Terry Morgan, Backstage West)


   "I can think of at least four seasons in Los Angeles: rain, fire, escrow and the Academy Awards."~ Verlyn Klinkenborg        


        Here's some excerpts from Melinda's email to the author of "Pera Palas", on our recent 4-day research and development trip to Istanbul, to check out the famous old hotel built in the nineteenth century to accommodate Western tourists on the Orient Express from Paris and tape Melinda's lines in Turkish…

        What a fabulous city!!! We got there on a Monday afternoon and walked out down the big boulevard, our eyes feasting. Stopped in one of the many pastry shops (oh, my dear, the pastries - so lovely and not too sweet) and made our way to the Pera Palas. WOW what a place. Could use a loving restoration but still so beautiful. Had a drink in the bar (where Mata Hari turned tricks) and a light supper in the dining room.

        Next morning we were awoken by the calls to prayer. What an exotic sound - mournful and spiritual and timeless. We were the first ones to breakfast. Now I want toast and feta cheese and olives every morning - I became addicted. That and a Turkish coffee so strong you can stand your spoon in it. They also had these little hard biscuits that I spread with chocolate/hazelnut mixture - heaven - went right to my thighs.

        Then off to the Blue Mosque then the Aya Sophia and the underground ancient Roman Cistern, then lunch at the Pudding Shop. Philip attracted all of the sales people like a magnet and he was forever going in for glasses of apple tea while I went off exploring other shops and areas. I'd come back for him and he would be kind of amazed that those people had been disappointed that he hadn't bought a carpet or some leather goods. He was busy learning Turkish and would use the time getting language lessons from all of the sales people so he made out better than they.

        After lunch we headed down that big street to the Grand Bazaar.  It was pretty overwhelming. At one corner there was a fairly large group of men with cell phones ringing and talking and calling out and dialing. What was that all about? We though that maybe it had to do with getting work somehow.

We walked out into another shopping street and did stop at one place for some spices (saffron, of course, and curry and really big cinnamon sticks and apple tea) and another shop that sold beads run by a Chinese family, embroiled in some heated argument. Then caught a cab back to the hotel.

        We liked the Cihangir Hotel very much. It was nice and small and well situated. The staff were very attentive and what a great view. We also enjoyed "Hoolywood Chicken" at their dining room "Railing" with a nautical theme overlooking the Bosporus and on day two we took a ferry all the way up to a small town on the Asian side where we had a fabulous lunch of "Swallow, Infertile, Tile Fish and Bread Cramps."

        But the big hit was  - oh, my God, the fried mussels! Then we took a cab up to the ruins of a 12thcentury Italian castle with a startling view of the southern mouth of the Black Sea.

         Upon our return, we went to find the shop where Turkish delights were invented and then a medicinal shop where I got some special cream for my skin. I loved it there and felt I did well with my bargaining. But why is everyone so reluctant to give change? The reactions we got when we'd pull out a twenty - they'd recoil!

        Philip wants to keep studying the language though everyone was amazed he had only been speaking Turkish for 4 days - he was actually carrying on simple conversations. We want to go back. "Hoscocal!"

   "Walk tall, kick ass, learn to speak Arabic, love music and never forget you come from a long line of truth seekers, lovers and warriors."- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson -


        Thousands of toads have met a bizarre and sinister end in Hamburg, Germany in recent days, after their bodies expanded to three and a half times their normal size and then KABOOM!  exploded scattering guts up to three feet away.

        "I have never seen such a thing," said veterinarian Otto Horst (in German) and the lake in the Altona district where the phenomenon is occurring has been dubbed "The Pond of Death." (Auf Deutsch) and every night a biologist visits it between 2:00 and 3:00 am, which appears to be peak period "for batrachians to go bang."

        Explanations include an unknown virus, a fungus that has infected the water, or the theory that crows, emulating Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds", are actually attacking the hoppers and scaring them to death. Yahwol!

   "Pornography is just part of the culture now. It's almost like it's not even, like, porn." ~ Scott Timsit, 16, in the L.A. Times


         Mordechai Eliahu, A prominent Israeli rabbi, has reversed an earlier ban on the anti-impotency drug Viagra, making it kosher for Passover, The Jerusalem Post (sic) reported. The former Sephardic chief rabbi ruled that Viagra could be taken if the pill was placed in special gelatin capsules before the weeklong observance begins April 23.

        And prominent Planeteer Glen Banks spotted an item in a recent AARP Bulletin revealing TV writer Alan Zweibel's run in with "an unnamed executive at an unnamed movie studio" over a script on President and Mrs. Roosevelt. The suit suggested Queen Latifah for the role of Eleanor, to which Alan responded, "Eleanor Roosevelt wasn't black."  

        "Why are you being so difficult?" retorted the exec who added that he envisioned a "big dance number…maybe a hip-hop thing in the White House or in front of Congress."  

        "But FDR had polio," countered Zweibel, " He was in a wheelchair."   

        The unnamed executive at the unnamed movie studio told his agent he was "out of touch with today's audiences."  And obviously out of step, as well.

"The Radio Drama Department in the BBC is located up some back stairs behind the dumpsters!" ~ David Ossman


                 Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled Popers;

                 Where's the peck of pickled Popers that the papers picked?

                 Politicians pack the pews with pious prayers;

                 Push positions, petty ploys by passion players;

                 Press predictions; pilgrims ponder plumes of smoke or

                 Place their picks in pools, and play at papal poker.

          [Pray this ten times fast.] --Montana Miller, The Lozenge; April 18, 2005

    "It was as if you expected Barack Obama and you got Bob Dole." ~ The Washington Post on the new Pope  (POPE BENDICT…)


                According to the National Resources Defense Council, if the U.S. could raise fuel efficiency standards on American cars by one mile per gallon, in one year, Americans would save twice the amount of oil that could be obtained from the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

                Raise it by 2.7 miles a gallon and we could eliminate all the oil imports from Iraq and Kuwait combined. And if we raised it by 7.6 mpg, the United States would eliminate 100% of its gulf oil imports into this country. Gary Margolis:

     Rotogravures H. Mothball  - Spam name


                Watch your thoughts; they become words.

                Watch your words; they become actions.

                Watch your actions; they become habits.

                Watch your habits; they become character.

                Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.  (Anon)

"He said -- shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said, that's a good idea --you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart." ~ Submitted by my wife…


A dear member of the acting community and a longtime Antaean passed away early this year under rather unusual circumstances, and as the story was told at her memorial, I think it fit to include it here.

Ruth Manning was in her eighties on the day she died, and was actually being interviewed for a role in an independent film.  Sitting before the young director, she was expected to say the line, "Would you like to see my pussy?"  Well, Ruth always had her own way of doing things, so she said, "Would you mind if I change the line to 'Would you like to see my vagina?' And then she dropped dead.  Talk about dying with your boots on…  

We also lost Alexandra Cymbliak Zuck at the age of 62.  You may remember her as "Sandra Dee."  And of course, there was Johnny Cochran…

       "I believe in an America that is officially neither Catholic, Protestant nor Jewish -- where no public official either requests or accepts instructions on public policy from the Pope, the National Council of Churches or any other ecclesiastical source -- where no religious body seeks to impose its will directly or indirectly upon the general populace or the public acts of its officials." - President John F. Kennedy.  H. Lee Kagan


        If you're reading this in Ireland, be sure to turn on RTE' Tuesday nights in May at 7:02pm (don't you love the Irish?) for six chilling installments of "The Last Harbinger", Roger Gregg's latest audio mutation featuring yours truly and herself, Melinda O'Peterson, as the rulers of Moloch in another, slightly askew parallel dimension.  This new Crazy Dog presentation asks the question, "Can truth save a world from self destruction?"  

        To find out, visit the website at  

     "Gravity is seriousness. If it were to cease, we would all die of seriousness." ~ Phil's Phunny Facts from "Foolish Words" collected by Laura Ward


        Closer to home, on Wednesday, May 4, Melinda and I will be joining Ed Asner, John Achorn and others at the Museum of Television & Radio here in Beverly Hills to present an evening in tribute to Norman Corwin to mark the occasion of the 60th anniversary of the broadcast of his legendary World War II radio drama, "On a Note of Triumph," and to celebrate Norman's 95th birthday (which is May 3).

         The evening begins with a reception at 6:30 pm and the presentation will include readings of his work, a video montage, and a moderated conversation by LA Times columnist and PBS host Patt Morrison.

      "If you want to empower women in America, give 'em a gun" - Ken DeLay @ the NRA


        Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.  She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

        Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

   Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away...

        "We're down here."

   "Why are most dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish.

However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.  For more of this, see below…









        Thanks for much of the content of this orbit to Robert Spina, "Michael Dares' always informative "Disinfotainment", "Foolish Words: The Most Stupid Words Ever Spoken" by Laura Ward, Arianna Huffington, Gary Margolis, Lennie Weinrib, Brian Wesley, Alan Myerson and Ziv Zivkovich.

      A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."~ Phil's Phast Phunnies


© 2005 by Phil Proctor
Published May 1, 2005