Planet Proctor 2005 Volume 04

"A mind stretched to a new idea can never return to its original shape. ~-Oliver Wendell Holmes 


You haven’t heard from me recently because I had to take a break to explore the planet in search of odd and Turkish delights and so just returned from a trip to Cambridgeshire, Istanbul and Dublin with great material and a bad cold, straight into final rehearsals for “Mother Courage.”

Also, I think my cyber guru Andy Thomas has finally solved the distribution problem and we’re working on delivering to all who can receive it a neat, digitally compact and colorful orbit that will hopefully be more regularly forthcoming as the rest of the year unfolds. That being said, let’s start spinning…

“My work is not my identity. I am my identity.” ~ Film director quoted by Dustin Hoffman in an interview by Mary McNamara

“Q” AND A…

Well, it finally happened – right before leaving on our trip, I was asked to shave off my beard for a voice-over job!

 It’s the part of “Q” in the interactive version of “From Russia With Love” starring (I’m not kidding) Sean Connery, who was apparently shaken AND stirred by the money they offered him to re-bond with Bond.

 Meanwhile, we lowly but highly skilled minimum players find ourselves facing a strike regarding interactive residuals for this billion-dollar industry.  What a world…

“I’ve entered the snapdragon part of life.  Part of me has snapped, and the rest on me is draggin’…” ~ From Vera Bachmann "


    That’s our soon-to-open rendition of Bertold Brecht’s anti-war classic, “Mother Courage” which will be running in a specially created open space at Antaeus on Vineland.  As directed by the brilliant Andrew Robinson with a stellar turn by our own Anne Gee Byrd as Courage, our production is much more nuanced, humorous and musical than most and promises to be a wild ride for all who come to participate.

    I'm in the “Blue” cast, which means I alternate performances with John Apicella as the Chaplain.  All shows start at 8 except for a 5 o’clock Sunday show and here’s when you can catch  me:

    Fri/Sat, April 22/23; Thurs/Sun, April 28/May 1;Thurs/Sat, May 5/7;Fri/Sat, May 13/14  and Thurs/Sat, May 19/21.

    I’ll also be performing in an original one-act musical based on a Mark Twain short story during this year’s NoHo Festival, the weekend of May 14th! And not to be outdone, my wife, Melinda Peterson, is in rehearsal at present for Matt Goldsby’s original musical adaptation of Balzac’s “Pere Goriot” to be presented soon at the charming Globe Theatre in West Hollywood. Stay glued to your seats…

 “It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long.” ~ Song by the Notorious Cherry Bombs


    Gleaned from the pages of the GarrettWade Tool Catalog: Genuine Stanley U.K. Yankee Screwdrivers, Universal 1/4-inch Hex Driving Cocks, Forged Pry Bars, Unlimited-Length Cable Ties, Handy Riffler Rasps, Universal Ruler Stops, Deep-Reach Auto Punches and Mechanical Stud Finders, Sheet Metal Nibblers, Shears and Economical “Banker’s” Scissors, Blind Nuts, Horsehair Bench Brushes, Miniature Rubber Hands, Microplane Rotary Shapers, Blowers, Geared Lug Nut Removers and Shower Squeegees, Wonderbar Rust Erasers, Stuck-Nut Wrenches and Nut-Cracking Tools, Steel Twist Gimlets,(easy on the Vermouth) and Bar Gage Heads, Swiss-Made Scorps and Abrasive Sharpening Sticks,  Butt, Swan and Cranked Neck Mortise Chisels (for cleaning up Dados and Rabbets), Improved Grinding Jigs -- and finally -- Kits to Cut Male and Female Wood Threaded Rods and Mating Holes.  Order Now!

“People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women." – Anon


     No – It’s Super Pope!

    Yes, according to Reuters, Pope John Paul II is being memorialized in a comic book in Bogotá, Columbia by non-practicing Catholic artist Rodolfo Leon, as a superhero fighting the forces of evil in an anti-Devil cape and special chastity pants.

    "The pope was a real-life superhero, of flesh and blood," says the artist, whose buff super-pontiff wields a faith staff with a cross on top and carries holy water and communion wine.

    The first episode of the "Incredible Popeman" is about to go on sale in  Colombia and shows the late Polish pontiff meeting comic book legends such as Batman and Superman to learn how to use superpowers to battle Satan.

           “Evil is the will to oppress” ~ Chip Berlet 

 “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.” ~ Thomas Jefferson


     This incredible elephant tsunami tale is from “Trunklines,” the official newsletter of the Tennessee Elephant Sanctuary, which we support.

Jim France reports that at a resort in Phuket, where elephant rides were a popular attraction, about twenty minutes before the first devastating wave rolled in, the chained creatures became unnaturally agitated and when a group returned from a trip with tourists on their backs, they immediately helped their companions free themselves and took off for the hills, bellowing, as many humans followed and the waves hit.

“After the waves subsided, “ writes France, “ the elephants, charged down from the hill and started picking up children with their trunks and running them back up the hill…” and then turned their attention to the adults, rescuing forty-two souls in all. “Then they returned to the breach and carried up four dead bodies, one a child.  Not until the task was done would they allow their handlers to mount them.  Then with handlers atop, they began moving wreckage.”


 “Office jobs are bad for your teeth.  It’s like being in school.  May I go to the bathroom?  May I have a day off? May I come; may I go, sit, stay?  All of the above?  

Shoot me.” ~ Tulis McCall


    Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

    Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

    Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible of the girls must be dying.

“It takes 5 minutes to read the trades and an half an hour to get over it.” ~Steve Susskind


Sign at a golf course in Scottsdale, Arizona sent by Lennie Weinrib…

   1. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
   2. Form a loose grip.
   3. Keep your head down.
   4. Avoid a quick back swing.
   5. Stay out of the water.
   6. Try not to hit anyone.
   7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
   8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
   9. Quiet please, while others are preparing to go.
   10. Don't take extra strokes.

Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

“The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. “ ~ Ronald Reagan


    A South Dakota couple is selling candles that smell like the Lord and they’re a marketing miracle. The formula is found in the Messianic Psalm 45, “…referring to when Christ returns and his garments will have the scent of myrrh, aloe and cassia" -- which when combined, creates a flower-like, cinnamon aroma.

    "We see it as a ministry, " says Bob Tosterud, who together with his wife, Karen, came up with the idea for the anointment called "His Essence.”

    "We wanted people to be able to experience Christ in new ways…”And you can, too, for about $18 at

"Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts." ~ Patrick Moynihan


  Brian Wesley, Lennie Weinrib, J.W. Reynolds, Gary Margolis and Andy Thomas.

          “Boats at the dock are safe, but that’s not why they’re built.” ~ Steve Susskin

“People who take more frequent vacations have less risk for heart disease.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

The Aya Sophia, Istanbul, Turkey, a few weeks ago…more at


“Work like you don't need the money,

Love like you've never been hurt.

Dance like nobody's watching,

Live like it's Heaven on Earth.” ~ From Bill Stott

© 2005 by Phil Proctor
Published April 16, 2005