Planet Proctor 2005 Volume 03

 “If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.”~ Will Rogers


Where have I been? Well…on the road!

The Firesign Theatre had a sold-out, solidly received tour in the Northwest and Marin County of our latest show, "The Big, Big Broadcast of 2005" last month and Melinda came along as our production and dramatic advisor.

She also accompanied me to Yale where I hosted an evening of comedy at an alumni gathering of my "secret" society, Scroll and Key. We also took the choo-choo to NY to stroll through Cristo's Gates in the crisp, dry air.

And we made time to visit with our pal, Charlie Moed, who's mother, Marge, passed away the day we flew east. He's just back from another humanitarian trip to Indonesia for Operation USA.

On April Fool's Day, we’ll be in Dublin for a few days to perform again on Roger Gregg’s Crazy Dog Audio Theatre and teach a class in voice-over, preceded by a trip to the real "Pera Palas" hotel in Istanbul as research for Melinda's role in an upcoming play of the same name at Pasadena’s Theatre @ Boston Court this summer.

We return to the states on the 5th where I’ll be fighting in Brecht’s saga of the Thirty Years' War, doubling with John Apicella as the chaplain in the Antaeus' production of "Mother Courage", directed by Andrew Robinson, which opens the weekend of April 16/17.

A guy comes back from an audition and says, "Mom, I got the part of the Jewish husband." She says, “You go right back and get yourself a speaking part!" ~ Dan Fillin


A heavy metal group called Lamb of God was prevented from performing at the Inglewood Forum because they used to be called “Burn the Priest.” The Forum is owned by the Faithful Center Bible Church.

The “Crazy for You Bear,” which came in its own straight jacket with commitment papers, was sold out and discontinued. "The Crazy Bear campaign has come to its conclusion," said Vermont Teddy Bear President and CEO Elisabeth Robert as she was led away, drooling.

A woman was indicted for criminal negligence after giving her alcoholic husband a 2-bottle sherry enema -- which killed the asshole. He had a throat ailment and couldn’t drink.

Meanwhile, Daily Variety reported that "Deep Throat," the infamous mob-funded 1972 adult film that led to yet another crackdown on smut, is being re-released to augment the promotion of a documentary about its making. Initially, Arrow Productions in Las Vegas sent out 10 prints, which caused producer Merlyn LeRoy to quip, “Only ten prints? That means ‘Deep Throat’ won't open wide.”

And then there’s this picture of Picasso’s Easter Island statue obviously uncovered by a sandstorm on the Rusty Planet from Time Magazine’s recent spread on Mars …

“Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time. What we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.” ~ Sydney J. Harris


From the Nature’s Medicine Chest catalogue, you can order Green Magma, Ghee, Bio Salt, Carbon Steel, Rhino Chewie Bites, Garlic Ear Drops, Goodbye Bugs Sun Block, Lady “V” Pleasure Pills and Dream Cream, Unscented Aural Glow Oil, Wild Yam Balancing Ointment, MASADA Dead Sea Foot Scrub, Royal Jelly Boosters, Kitchen Sprouters, Vegetable Crisper Bags and Roto Juicers, and Cat’s Claw Intestinal Cleanser.

Truly homeopathetic.

"When the new moon rises in the east, and the ponies are on the steppe, to the howling of the wolf, the one eyed ferret spits at the wind" ~ Mongolian proverb


A cute blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, also a blonde.

The coppette asked to see blondie’s driver's license, but as she dug through her purse she became progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally pulled out a small square mirror, looked at it, said “Here,” and handed it to the policewoman.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.”

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” ~ Philo of Alexandria


A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”

She then read him an article that claimed women use 30,000 to a man's 15,000 words a day because they have to repeat everything all the time.

The husband said, "Huh?"

“I have opinions of my own – strong opinions – but I don’t always agree with them.” ~ G.W. Bush


Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

“When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.” ~ Abraham Maslow



The Antaeus Company? We’ll see. Our production of “Chekhov x 4” was nominated for 5 L.A. Weekly Awards and 3 from the LA Drama Critics Circle, encompassing direction, adaptation, featured performers and ensemble.

And company members cited for their work on neighboring stages also include Ayre Gross, Jeanie Hackett and the irrepressible and ever-prolific founder of our troop, Mr. Dakin Matthews, who’ll be taking home 2 special LADC statues -- The Margaret Harford Award for sustained excellence in theatre, and The Ted Schmitt Award honoring the world premiere of his play, "Prince of L.A." as well as for Lead Actor.

Finally, the upcoming directors of “Mother Courage” (Andy Robinson) and “Pera Palas” (Michael Michetti) also received directing nominations.

Go, Antaeans, go!

“Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think.” ~ Jean de la Bruyere


… Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

… Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

... Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

... Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

... Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

… Do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

“There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who can read binary and those who can't.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


I pledge allegiance to the flag

Of the Corporate States of America,

And to the Republicans for which it stands;

One nation, under debt, easily divisible,

With liberty and justice for oil.

“Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.” ~ H.L. Menken


Thanks for jokes to George Cratcha, JW Reynolds, Ray Lesser, Bill Coombs, Rob Riddle and Mary Willard; websites from Kip King and Marc Cashman and Brian Wesley; and quotes from Kate Geruntho and Laura Ward’s "Foolish Words: The Most Stupid Words Ever Spoken", PRC Publishing, London. Cristo snap by Melinda Peterson.

And finally, CONGRATULATIONS to my daughter’s boyfriend, Geoff Campbell, for his promotion. He is now SONY’s youngest vice-president ever!

“Anybody who says beggars can’t be choosers has never owned a cat.” ~ Lily Rains


Click here: Concentrationtest for men


“Speak the truth, but leave immediately afterwards.” ~ Slovenian proverb


© 2005 by Phil Proctor
Published March 9, 2005