Planet Proctor 2005 Volume 02

“Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year." ~ Victor Borge 


    Grant me the senility
    To forget the people
    I never liked,
    The good fortune
    To run into the ones I do,
    And the eyesight
    To tell the difference.

“The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

Phil & Melinda in West Hartford

"I do have a cause, though. It is Obscenity. I'm for it." - Tom Lehrer, That Was The Year That Was


Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such round shoulders. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story…

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. (What were you thinking?)

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness. And if there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. (Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.)

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy, with the second, satisfaction; with the third -- Danish.

Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? (Anon)

"A kind heart is a fountain of gladness, making everything in its vicinity freshen into smiles.” ~ Washington Irving


A botanist had just returned from an expedition to the South Pacific Islands and was discussing her adventures with her colleagues back at the university where she taught.

"What was the most exciting discovery you found there?" asked a fellow professor. The botanist replied, "The people native to the island of Lulu have discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the leaves of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which quickly cured the ailment." Another professor asked, "A palm leaf suppository? Did it really work?"

Replied the botanist, "Sure! With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

"I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up." - Tom Lehrer

OH, MAN!!!

The U.S. military rejected a 1994 proposal to develop an "aphrodisiac" to spur homosexual activity among enemy troops but is hard at work on other less-than-lethal weapons, defense officials have revealed.

The Air Force Research Laboratory also suggested using chemicals that could be sprayed on enemy positions to attract stinging and biting bugs, rodents and larger animals. Another idea involved creating "severe and lasting halitosis" to help sniff out fighters trying to blend with civilians.

We still believe in “Fighting Clowns.” And I love the fact that action figure “Cody” is being held hostage by insurgents!

An interviewer asked Nathan Lane if he was gay. His response? "I'm over 40, single and in Musical Theatre...YOU do the math.” ~ Stephen Allen Green


Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!"

“Beware of the teachers of the law… They devour widows' houses and for a show make lengthy prayers. Such men will be punished most severely." (Luke 20:46,47)


The President, the First Lady and Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force One. George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Cheney says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes. "Such big shots back there,“ he says to his co-pilot, “Hell, I could throw all of them out the window and make 56 million people ecstatic."

"It's impossible to underestimate the American public.” ~ H. L. Mencken


The spray lubricant WD-40 proudly list 2,000 uses but British bobbies have found another -- keeping the public from snorting cocaine off toilet lids.

Bristol Police announced that they’ve been advising pub owners to spray the stuff on toilet seats and other flat surfaces in the loo that customers often use to do lines, or are they snorting queues?

Apparently, cocaine and spray lube don't mix. But you can still get really oiled on strong ales.

“The only time I ever said no to a drink was when I misunderstood the question.” ~ Will Sinclair


Otherwise why allow a dear heart and immensely talented member of our tight little voice-over community to be taken from us in an absurd traffic accident last week. His lovely wife, Ann, is arranging a memorial; and you can contribute to the event by writing a check to the Steve Susskind Memorial fund and sending it to his agent, Jeff Danis (c/o the Firesign’s touring representation), ICM at 8942 Wilshire Blvd., Beverly Hills, CA 90210.

On the other hand, my friend Chris Yoder who publishes the Yoder Newsletter announced the passing of his mom, Phyllis at the ripe old age of 91. She had the benefit of a good, long life and I love the fact that one of her first jobs was testing butter for impurities at the American Butter Institute, located in the attic of the Chicago Board of Trade. And for your information, in the ensuing 65 years she would only have Land of Lakes Butter on her table!

And then here’s a heartfelt farewell to Johnny Carson who said, "If life was fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

"We're all here because we're not all there..." ~ Wayne Nagy of Port Townsend, WA

PROCTOR PLAZA On Florida’s Route 27,

thanks to Robert Spina and Kari Hendler

“Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts


From the thousands of folks in Portland and Seattle who came to see our Big Big Broadcast of 2005 show last week. We enjoyed the full full houses and signing pictures, LPs, CDs, tees and rare memorabilia after each show.

Some folks flew from the south, the Midwest and even the east coast to be there. Many told us it was their birthday present to themselves and many others came to see multiple performances. We leave on Thursday for our three last dates – San Jose, San Rafael and finally Cerritos, which we understand is selling out fast. Call now!!!

Thurs, Feb. 3 @ the Heritage Theater in Campbell - 7:30 pm

Fri. Feb. 4 @ the Marin Center in San Rafael - 8pm

Sat. Feb 5 @ the Cerritos Center for the Performing Arts -8pm

“Where all think alike, no one thinks very much.” ~ Walter Lippman


Kelley Willis, Bill Combs, John Rambo, Jim Reynolds, Jim Wolf for Reuters, Gary Margolis and Lennie Weinrib.


"I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing." ~ Johnny Carson

© 2005 by Phil Proctor
Published February 1, 2005