Planet Proctor 2005 Volume 01

 “In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, never in want.” ~ Irish toast from Patty Paul


The four Firesign Boyz are leaving Sodden California for snowy Seattle and working their way down the coast to Cerritos with a show called “The Big, Big Broadcast of 2005: Radio is a Heartbreak.” Act One takes place at KBIL radio in Billville, and Act two on RadioNow, since US+PLUS has taken over the local station, or something like it. Here’s the schedule, should you want to come see us:

Fri/Sat, Jan. 28-29 @ The Aladdin Theater in Portland, Oregon, 7pm

Sun, Jan. 30 @ the Moore Theater in Seattle, Washington, 7pm

Thurs, Feb. 3 @ the Heritage Theater in Campbell, CA (San Jose’), 7:30 pm

Fri. Feb. 4 @ the Marin Center in San Rafael, CA, 8pm

Sat. Feb 5 @ the Cerritos Center for the Performing Arts, 8pm

We’ll be signing stuff afterwards so bring your LPs…

“We’re not in the business of providing news and information, we’re simply in the business of selling our customers’ products.” ~Lowry Mays, founder of Clear Channel Broadcasting


Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishes.

          By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, however,

a significant number of electrons were inconvenienced. (anon)

“12% of Americans think that Joan of Arc is Noah’s wife.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

“First Guy: Woman, full range 30’s (sic), an ‘every woman’ sounding voice, smooth, likeable, real.” ~ Radio audition copy


Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.

Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.

Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Anglican - They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox - No, they were ours first.

Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.

Atheism - There is no toy maker.

Polytheism - There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.

Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.

Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling ours.

B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.

Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.

Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.

Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...

Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.

Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confusianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just

play with them. (anon)

“Without Jesus, Santa Is Stuck” ~ Flashing Xmas pin


The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified this year, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. . Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.

"He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

(Excerpted from the article by Joe Blundo, Columbus Dispatch, 2004.)

“A year ago I was dropping bombs in Iraq; now I’m flying in a helicopter trying to save people.” ~ U.S. airman on the news


A passenger asks the conductor what time the train stops at Victoria. "This train doesn't stop at Victoria,” he says, “It’s the express."

"You’re joking! I need to get off at Victoria.

"Sorry sir, this train will not stop at Victoria -- But there is one thing"

" Anything! I absolutely must debark there."

"Well, I'll I could ask the engineer to slow down, dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform."

"My goodness! Will that work?"

"It's worth a try."

As they approach the station, the train has slowed to 50 mph and the ticket collector hangs the man out the door. The desperate fellow starts running in mid air, and when his feet touch the platform, smoke flies off his shoes and a heel rips off! The guy is running for his life at 30 mph as the ticket collector lets go and -- he's made it!

He begins to slow down, running alongside the train as the other passengers gape in amazement; but just as the last carriage goes by, a hand suddenly grabs the guy’s collar and yanks him back onto the train! "You’re lucky I was here to help,” he says, “This train doesn't stop at Victoria!!!!"

“Few Sri Lankans Clamor for Organic Bath Gel” ~ L.A. Times article header


My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap Bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or Insurance.

I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, " Don't cry, Mommy" and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, Even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to People you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates Will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better.

Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to Play baseball. Right now I can only be third base…

If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me.

I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You and Happy New Year -- Billy " Smiles " Evans

“I've designed a bumper sticker for blind people. It's written in Braille and it says, ‘If you can feel this, you're too close.’" ~ David Budin


He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

My biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer,

As I was looking for a clue,

Then I turned around and smacked him...

Like his Mother used to do. (Merritt Andrews)

“I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it.” ~ Marilyn Monroe

“ The easiest thing is to take a chance; the hardest thing – oddly – is to learn how to enjoy your life.” ~ John Lahr ’59, addressing Riverdale Country School ‘04 graduates




© 2005 by Phil Proctor
Published January 16, 2005