Planet Proctor 2002

Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 32

"You can't say that civilization don't advance, for in every war they kill ya in a new way." ~ Will Rogers

WINTER IS A-COMIN'

But this goose's is not getting fat, as my wife and I are into the fourth week of the South Beach diet, which means that we sprinkle sand on all our favorite dishes, making them impossible to enjoy.

Actually, it's an nourishing and palatable regime that cuts out breads, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, fruits and other carbs at the beginning, and then gradually reintroduces them, as is your wont. I've found that I've easily shed over 5 pounds already and more significant, my blood pressure readings have dropped by 20 points to much healthier levels.

So this Thanksgiving past, instead of stuffing ourselves, we worked to winterize our garden over the long Holiday weekend; which reminded me of a poem by Ogden Nash:

"My garden will never make me famous.

"I'm a horticultural ignoramus.

I can't tell a string bean from a soybean,

Or even a girl bean from a boy bean."

But luckily, I, the humble under gardener, married a dame with a green thumb and a heart of gold who doesn't mind getting dirty.

"Experience is what keeps a man who makes the same mistake twice from admitting it the third time around." ~ Anon

IRISH I WAS THERE

On Irish radio, a while back, a station ran a promotion asking callers to make up a word and use it in a sentence. Here's what purportedly happened...

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"

Caller: "Goan, spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."

DJ: "You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the

dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali - - what sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?

Caller: "Goan f**k yourself."

The DJ hung up and went on to other calls, until...

Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."

DJ: "What's your word, Jeff?"

Caller: "Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

DJ: "You are correct, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now

for a trip to Bali, how can you use that word in a sentence that would make sense?"

Caller: "Smee again, goan f**k yourself."

"All the ills of mankind, all the tragic misfortunes that fill the history books, all the political blunders, all the failures of the great leaders, have arisen merely from a lack of skill at dancing." ~ Moliere

ARAFATHEAD IS DEAD

Or is he? J.W. Reynolds suggest that the individual who would've been most qualified to break the news on the Arab street would have been John Cleese:

"He's not Palestinian! He's passed on! This terrorist is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone - briefly - to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace (though "in pieces" would be more fitting)!

"If you hadn't wired him to every machine in the hospital, he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! Previous statements as to his immortality are now inoperative!

"He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off this mortal coil, rung down the curtain and gone off to see if there are any virgins left!!

"THIS IS AN EX-TERRORIST!!"

"People think because you make fuzzy, cute cartoons that you are fuzzy and cute, and they try to take advantage of you." ~ Mickey Eisner

MOORE IS LESS

Not only did M&M shave his scruff and dress nice for a recent appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, but according to Matt Matford, courtesy of "Broken Newz", he's preparing for a hunger strike. "Moore will attempt to abstain from food for close to ten minutes," says the release, "which would smash his previous record of six minutes and eighteen seconds.

"The hunger strike is a protest of President Bush's foreign policy, Moore said. Moore's personal physician, Dr. Andrew Ulrach, will monitor Moore's 'upper northeast sector,' while a team of nine other physicians will be responsible for various other places about Moore's massive frame.

"'840 seconds is a helluva long time for Mr. Moore to go without food,' Dr. Ulrach said. 'The danger zone will be at the 7-minute mark...if Mike starts to look pale, I'll step in and end this nonsense.'

"The cinema is not a slice of life; it's a piece of cake." ~ Alfred Hitchcock

BEAT UP THE BEATLES

Danny Mann was watching a scene in 1964's "Goldfinger" during a Holiday Bondathon when 007 is pulling a chilled champers from the fridge while the hot (soon to get gilded) blonde he was bonding with is cooling her heels on the sheets.

"My dear girl," he says in his best Sean Connery impersonation, "There are some things that just aren't done. Such as drinking Dom Perignon '53 above a temperature of 38 degrees Farenheit. That's as bad as listening to the Beatles without earmuffs."

"I guess Bond's image in was above that whole fab gear thang," adds Danny who also wrote that a writer/producer friend in whose Improv show he's worked emailed him that he didn't need me for his next show:

"Considering how much we all love working with you, I hate not exploiting you to your fullest." Thanks.

"Frankly, I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry." - Joseph Heller

ANOTHER OLD JOKE

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself painfully up onto a stool and sfter catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

"Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

WHO IS THAT CLOWN?

It's me! Yes, in the special Center Theatre Group's insert of production pictures honoring "The Davidson Years" in their present program, there's a large shot of me in clown makeup and a camo uniform from John Guare's 1968 Taper production of "Muzeeka", in a scene also featuring Firesign's Phil Austin.

Many have told me about this and even sent me programs -- but last night we were at the Ahmanson to see Tony Kushner's musical "Carolyne or Change," and I got my very own for my files.

And my on-camera career is getting a present boost with a cameo as a judge in Andy Lerner's short, "I'm Not Gay" and a role in Henry Jaglom's next film. "Hollywood Dreams" to be filmed this week. Break out the popcorn...

And come see "The Plot to Overthrow Christmas", which I will be directing for the annual Antaeus Holiday Benefit, December 19th as a radio broadcast at 3:00, 5:30 and 8:00, with a buffet dinner at 4:00 and 6:30 for only $25 per person(child under 16 admitted FREE with each adult purchase).Call 818.506-5436.

"God grant that I may never be a Dry Wit. Let me ever be a Wet Wit! Let me pour forth what mirth I have until I am utterly empty -- a Nit Wit." ~ Robertson Davies in Tempest-Tost

ANGLES IN AMERICA

And finally, several quotes I scribbled down during the final segment of Tony Kushner's brilliant "Angels In America," now available on DVD:

"An angel is a belief with wings and arms that can carry you. It's not to be afraid of, and if it can't hold you up. Seek for something new."

"In this world there's a kind of painful progress...the world is faster than the mind...the world spins forward...Republican? Democrat? It's life. Time is conservative, it moves slow. Accept that. Don't be tragic."

"You want to know why I rob banks? It's fun." ~ "Red" Rountree, the nation's oldest bank robber who died in prison at 92 after turning to crime in his 80s

EXEUNT UPSTAGE

Co-artistic director John Apicella, wrote, "Many of you have probably read the notice in the LA Times of the death of Antaean Ruth Manning. An elegant dame with a sly sense of humor, Ruth was a great actress, a total pro and an inveterate trouper, but had not been active in the Company for the past few years because, being in her mid-80s, she didn't like to drive at night.

"According to her obit, she collapsed and died in a Hollywood waiting room as she was about to audition, (which made the national news) and as she slipped away I have no doubt that she was much more annoyed at missing an employment opportunity than at dying."

I had the pleasure of working with her a month ago, and she was as sharp and witty as ever.

Another actor, Gregory Mitchell, 52, also died with his boots (and his wings) on, dropping dead onstage while playing an angel in the Kennedy Center production of "Forbidden Christmas" starring Mikhail Baryshnikov.

"What do you call the reincarnation of Siddhartha as a diseased Hungarian flea? Buddha Pest."~ Il Fiendo

DON'T CALL US...

In a few weeks, cell phone numbers will be released to telemarketing firms for sales calls on cell phones. To avoid this, call the national "Do Not Call" list @ (888) 382-1222 from your CELL and they will block your number(s) for 5 years --or register @ https://www.donotcall.gov/register/reg.aspx

Tell 'em Planet Proctor sent ya...

"Xerox never comes up with anything original." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

LOOK IT UP

I BELIEVE: www.landoverbaptist.org/

ANTE UP: www.5thstreetmag.com

PLUCK YOU: rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow tv episode.html

TICKETS: www.antaeus.org for "The Plot" Benefit

"Ghost Numchuck" and "Kitty Litter Disco" ~ L.A. Garage Bands

ROLL THE CREDITS...

Ian Abercrombie, Steve Apostolina, Peter Dixon, Bob Riddle and the Funny Times' Curmudgean, Jon Winokur and the world...

"To die for an idea is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler would it be if men died for ideas that were true!"~ H. L. Menken

"Many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable." ~ Christopher Reeve