Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 31

 FORWARD, INTO THE PAST

        41 years ago, on November 22nd in Dallas, Texas, the world changed forever; and to recall this tragic anniversary in our cynical century, an online Scottish docu-game called "JFK Reloaded" has been released so that today's desensitized youth can compete to recreate the assassination that ended an era and win a $10,000 prize.

        And what's worse, the L.A. Times' James Reston, Jr. has suggested in a op ed piece, that it was possibly the President's very own steel-supported back brace that insured his demise. Although it alleviated his chronic back pain, it also rendered him incapable of bending his torso, in effect locking him into a stiff, upright sitting position.

        So after the first "magic" bullet passed relatively harmlessly through his neck at 2,000 mph into the body of Governor Connally, had JFK been capable of being propelled forward, he might well have survived the assault.

        So much for butterflies flapping their wings, if you catch my drift...        

   "The sleep of reason brings forth monsters." ~ Francis Wheen, author of "Idiot Proof: Deluded Celebrities, Irrational Power-Brokers, Media Morons and the Erosion of Common Sense"

A MIME IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE!  

        Our funny pal, mime extraordinaire, Mark Wenzel, is out of his theme park (and his mind), and is now on the street with hat in hand! (Wait a minute. Isn't that where mimes are supposed to be?)

        Anyway if you need: "Cards Marked, Ships Sunk, Wars Fought, Tigers Tamed, Golf Taught, Women Bought, Revolutions Started, Blind Dates Arranged, Computers Rigged, Bars Emptied, Horses Broke, Droughts Ended, Bombs Dropped or Cities Conquered..."     

                Contact "California's Favorite Mime" @ Mark Wenzel.com

                "Also available For Wakes And Orgies!"

     "Hollywood is where they shoot too many movies and not enough actors." ~ Walter Winchell

THE PLOT THICKENS

        Soon we begin rehearsals for Norman Corwin's 1938 rhymed radio classic "The Plot to Overthrow Christmas", which I will be directing for the annual Antaeus Holiday Benefit, December 19th.

        Featuring an all "Holy" star cast and musical trio arrangements by Jan Powell with Richard Miro and Emily Chase, we'll be presenting this charming, offbeat half-hour piece as a pseudo radio broadcast at 3:00, 5:30 and 8:00, plus a tasty full buffet dinner at 4:00 and 6:30 - all for only $25 per person with a child under 16 admitted FREE with each adult purchase.

        For those of you who have supported us in the past, I need not reiterate what a fun-filled and heart-warming experience this is, but I just did!

        Seating is limited, so it's not too early to reserve places at 818.506-5436. And Hohoho - Jolly John Achorn will be our Santa, although his name is mysteriously missing from the cast list on the brochure. Has John been naughty?

      "What's the difference between an actor and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four." ~ From K-Mozart's very own Gary Hollis

AND THE BUSH BURNS ON

                Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.

                He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.

                He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness. He restoreth my fears.

                He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.

                Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war I will find no exit, for thou art in office.

                Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.

                Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.

                Thou annointest my head with foreign oil.

                My health insurance runneth out.

                Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of thy term,

                And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.

                Amen. (Let us pray for a revelation of this psalm's author.)

    "We have nothing to fear but every Goddam thing and then some." ~ Political satirist Bob Harris @ www.bobharris.com

WE'RE TOAST

        At a time when a gaggle of religious rightists are demanding the removal of pro-abortion, freedom marchers from a film shown for years at the Lincoln memorial in Washingbrain, D.C., a $22,000 bid has been offered on eBay for a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich bearing a burned image of the Virgin Mary.

        "People have e-mailed me: Can we eat her?" said Diana Duyser who fried up the white bread and American cheese phenomenon and describes herself as a non-practicing, non-religious Baptist.

        "I think she protects me," said the 52-year-old jewelry designer who also, in 1990, sued the local School Board to remove a music teacher she suspected was a Satanist. (Some guy named "Mr. Holland"?)

        "I guess I'm lucky because of her - I've had a lot of wins at the casino."

   "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." ~ Instruction label on a Swedish chain saw

WHO'S SOAR?             

        Actress Annie Lockhart responded to the "joke" about Bush being christened "Walking Eagle" by the Apaches during a campaign swing in New Mexico with a true story about her beloved late husband, Adam.

        In the course of his work in films as an Assistant Director in his native state of Montana, he worked with several Blackfeet who are still close family friends, and who gave Adam the same Indian name, and Annie adds, "We SCREAMED when we heard the true meaning!" He was beloved and respected, accepting the Blackfeet's chiding as the sweet compliment it was; and when he met his maker in an untimely motorcycle accident, Volley 'Punk' Reed represented his Native American friends at the gravesite.

        After blessing the departed with burning sage grass, Punk told the 500 guests the true meaning of the honorific title -- "which was certainly the ONLY laugh of the day," and then said:

        'He is now SOARING EAGLE, as he is now with all of our ancestors and watches over all of us.'  Weird as this is, and I swear to God it's true (I have 500 witnesses), a lone bald eagle then swooped low over the cemetery as we all looked up and smiled..."

"Blackfeet" and "Blackfoot" are two completely separate Amerindian tribes. ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

WE TAKE IT ALL BACK     

        Herewith excerpts from a lengthy post-election "Revocation of Independence" passed on to us from Antaean Bill Coombs' limey chum, Roger Reynolds...

        "To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to produce proper cars and elect a competent President, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

        "Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy...)

        "Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. (A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed...) Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys....

        "You should stop playing American "football"...Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby, which is similar...but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like Nancies.

        "All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts and you will start driving on the left... At the same time, you will go metric...without the benefit of conversion tables. (Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.)

        "You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. They're nor even French, they're Belgian...And only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer...The substances formerly known as 'American Beer' will henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine.'

        "Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due, backdated to 1776.

        "And finally -- please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy."

  "No California oak trees were harmed in the making of this motion picture." ~ Disclaimer from "Sideways" credits

STILL SINGIN' THE BLUES?

        "A little patience, and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their spells dissolve, and the people, recovering their true sight, restore their government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are suffering deeply in spirit, and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public debt...if the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at stake."

                        So wrote Thomas Jefferson.

   "An Irishman has an abiding sense of tragedy which sustains him through temporary periods of joy." ~ Mary Willard

HERE'S TO LIFE!

        Ok, he's gone now, but Guinness Book of Records champ Fred Hale remained hearty for 113 years before passing away in his sleep in Syracuse, NY this week.  

The super centenarian gave up driving at 108 because the other drivers were too slow, but worked right up to the end as a bug shucker and clam steamer at his daughter Carolyn's restaurant, "Lord's Lobster Pound." Well, Hale's shelling lobster's for the Lord, now and the ephemeral mantle of oldest living human is draped over the stooped Dutch shoulders of Hendrijke van Andel-Schipper, 114.

        I also lost friends Joyce Jillson, actress turned astrologer to the stars (and supposedly the Reagans), and Kennedy copier Vaugh "Abbot" Meader, who contrary to reports of his succumbing to a respiratory ailment, was actually taken out "by a Lee Harvey Oswald impersonator," reveals the dark Danny Mann (who refuses to divulge his sources).

        And we all lost Kato, the Akita whose bloody paw prints led investigators to the bodies of O.J.s victims, when he rolled over and played dead for real on Oct. 21.

        "So many Christians, so few lions." ~ Gerald Rellick, LA Times letters

CREDITS TO:

        These happy few -- David Budin, Rich de Maio, Richard Schulenberg, Allan Shearman, Jo Ann Hackett, LA Times obit writer, Myrna Oliver; and of course to all those whose names have been lost forever by an over-eager "delete" finger.  Mea culpa.

     "On some great and glorious day   the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron." ~ H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2004 by Phil Proctor
Published November 23, 2004