Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 30

"God Puts His Tool Back Into Office." ~ Tricky Dicky Tuck 


    These excerpts of a comic Kerry concession speech come from Adam Felber on his Fanatical Apathywebsite:

    "I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people. Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really special. And I mean 'special' in the sense that we use it to describe those kids, who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special...

    "Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and excoriates us...we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral values...

    "You knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need to provide for its future...

Because we're 'morally inferior' -- I suppose we're supposed to respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we've done just that.

    "It's not a 'ha-ha' funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same."

--These excerpts of a comic Kerry concession speech are from Adam Felber at  He's a regular contributor to NPR's witty "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me..."

   "The people have spoken - the bastards!" ~Democratic prankster Bill Tuck on HIS loss


        Cause it's all over but the counting and to nobody's great surprise, we're seeing red and singing the blues while Bush and his posse' strap on the shootin' irons and saddle up for four more years of beating around the brush...

And although Austin Texas Professor Walter Dean Burnman can be said to speak for many of us when he says in the L.A. Times, "This was an election of exceptional significance [and] all the brakes are off," political biographer Robert Dalleck cautions that "With presidents who win this kind of majority, the assumption is that they can do anything they want. But they often run into problems."

        One thing is now abundantly clear: it's going to be damn hard for this lame gang to blame liberals for anything that transpires from now on. As political pundit Robert Sheer noted on KCRW's "Left, Right and Center, "It's now on the Republican's watch..."( and I might add, the watch is ticking.)

        As to our perspective here on the Best Coast, I think Times letter-writer Stefan Frazier best sums it up:

              "Our next step is now clear - California must secede from the Union."

        "It DID happen here..." ~ Phil's Unphunny Phacts


        "The left bewitches," writes former major league pitcher Frank Pastore, also in our Times, "with its potions and elixirs served daily in its strongholds of academe, Hollywood and old media. It vomits upon the morals, values and traditions we hold sacred: God, family and country."

        Pastore, now a Christian talk radio host, continues: "The nation has now resoundingly rejected the left and its agenda.  We do not want to become European.  We do not want to become Socialist. We do not want to become secular. We are exceptional.  We are unique.  And we are the greatest force for good in the world, despite what the left, the terrorists or the United Nations may claim.

        "In the weeks and months to come, we will hear the voices of well-meaning people beseeching the victor to compromise with the vanquished." (Like President Bush?) "This would be a mistake...The left hates the ballot box and loves its courtrooms, which is why it hopes to continue to advance its agenda through the courts.  This must end." "We must help those Democrats who truly want to be free to actually break free of this evil ideology."

        No wonder 180,000 people went on line on the day after erection day

to inquire about emigration to Canada, where the dollar is worth half as

much and taxes would be doubled.

        It's better to some than doubletalk and doublethink, I guess...

  "For 'man to lie down with man' is an abomination, but so is eating shrimp. Why aren't shrimp-eaters denied legal rights?" ~ Economics teacher Sue Stockley


        Latest governmental survey figures indicate that the bulging bottoms of the obese are inflating the bottom lines of airlines budgets by increasing fuel costs making the expansive skies more expensive for every body.

        Because of bigger butts, airlines are expending some 275 million bucks and burning up 350 million extra gallons of gas, affecting atmospheric levels of carbon dioxide and non-existent global warming.

        Another side effect of porkier passengers that you might have noticed on your last sky trip is that weighty magazines and newspapers are no longer passed down the aisles for your mile-high enlightenment, and we scarf down our pita-full low-budget meals with plastic utensils while surrounded in an increasingly lighter weight environment.

        And here are the mind-numbing numbers: 65% of all Americans are now considered overweight and obesity is soon expected to become the nation's number one cause of preventable death...or should that read "elective?"

  "This is your plane driver.I'm in my office and we're about to take off." ~ 7-year-old Luke Peterson


        And now an essay composed from first lines of a bad novel submitted by the winners in this year's San Jose State University Bulwer-Lytton "Dark and Stormy Night" contest:

        "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep.

        "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"

        "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.

        "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.

        "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.

        "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies. And, just in time for the impending Holiday Season, like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

             "Without Jesus, Santa is stuck in a chimney" ~ Bush era Xmas pin      


        Toe licking could become a criminal offense in the Netherlands since an anonymous digit-sucker was released without charges when a female sunbather complained he snuck up and tongued her bare foot. And although the 35-year-old perv has been perpetrating his footish fetish for years, prosecutors in Rotterdam say, "What rot, damn! We are powerless to stop him."

        Apparently under existing statutes, a foot bath doesn't qualify as an objective sex act and only merits a slap on the wrist - which unfortunately IS illegal under Dutch law -- so lawmakers from the Labor Party are filing a formal complaint with the Justice Minister to change things.

        ``How can you explain that we can prosecute someone for throwing a cigarette butt or soda can on the ground, but not for this kind of misbehavior?''

    "Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        A writer at Salon wrote (before it was too late,) that he and President Bush were at a church picnic in Philadelphia designed to promote the GOP's faith-based policies when he had an opportunity to shake his hand and said,

        "Mr. President, I'm very disappointed in your work so far. I hope you only serve four years."

        G.W.'s smiling response was, "Who cares what you think?"

   "If you are afraid to make mistakes, then you will stop functioning." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt


        That's the name for a new CNN political talk show proposed (and rejected so far) by media pundit Michael Kinsey, designed to find common ground instead of digging more trenches.

        In his Sunday Times op-ed piece, he goes on to apologize profusely for having voted for a loser on Tuesday and vows to "rethink his fundamental beliefs from scratch as they are shared by only 47% of the electorate..." mainly composed of city slickers in red-eyed states.

        "It's true," he shame-facedly admits, "that people on my side of the divide want to live in a society where women are free to choose and where gay relationships have civil equality with straight ones....but at least my values - as deplorable as they are -don't involve any direct imposition on you."

        "We don't for the most part believe that our values are direct orders from God, immutable and beyond argument. We are, if anything, crippled by reason and open mindedness, by a desire to persuade rather than insist."

Don't say I didn't tell ya...

     "If you can't see God in all, you can't see God at all." ~ Yogi Bhajan's business card


        Humorist Ben Stein's terminated his long-running online column "Monday Night at Morton's" after he wrote this (excerpted) piece.

        "I no longer think Hollywood stars are terribly important.  They are uniformly pleasant, friendly people, and they treat me better than I deserve to be treated.  But a man or woman who makes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in front of a camera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all look up to.

        "A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who poked his head into a hole on a farm near Tikrit, Iraq.  He could have been met by a bomb or a hail of AK-47 bullets. Instead, he faced an abject Saddam Hussein and the gratitude of all of the decent people of the world...

        "We put couples with incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of our magazines.  The noncoms and officers who barely scrape by on military pay but stand on guard in Afghanistan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines and near the Arctic Circle are anonymous as they live and die. I am no longer comfortable being a part of the system that has such poor values, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that who is eating at Morton's is a big subject.  

        "There are plenty of other stars in the American firmament...the policemen and women who go off on patrol in South Central and have no idea if they will return alive; the orderlies and paramedics who bring in people who have been in terrible accidents and prepare them for surgery; the teachers and nurses who throw their whole spirits into caring for autistic children; the kind men and women who work in hospices and in cancer wards. Think of each and every fireman who was running up the stairs at the World Trade Center as the towers began to collapse.

        "I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty, in return for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He has placed in my path.  This is my highest and best use as a human.

            "Here on Earth, God's work must truly be our own." ~ The first JFK


        Thanksgiving is coming and we'll all soon be gobbling again, and since 1981, the  Butterball Turkey 800-line has received over 2 million calls, answering such questions as:

        "Can I brown the turkey with suntan oil?" or "Is it okay to cook a turkey that's been in the freezer for 30 years?"

      Now, that's a tough old bird!

   "Cats look down on you, dogs look up to you, but pigs look you straight in the eye." ~ Churchill


        In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.  

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow.  Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

        Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the gypsy's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.  She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and asked --"Will I be acquitted?"

     "If your desires are not too extravagant, they will be granted." ~ Bush era fortune cookie


        Falluga, Jane Jacobs, Jeremy Kagan, Brian Wesley, Patty Paul, the international press and all the depressed and repressed Democrats out there...Oh, what the hell! So many of you contribute to this amazing adventure it's hard to be constantly accurate, so please accept that I respect you all and will try my best to acknowledge you in future issues. And that goes double for you "Daffy" Joe Alaskey...Happy Holidays.


    "It's dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." ~ Claude Von Italie's "Light

2004 by Phil Proctor
Published November 10, 2004