Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 29
A few minutes before services started, Satan suddenly appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate -- except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was manifest. And Satan strode up and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
"Yep, sure do."
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word and curse you with agony for all eternity?"
"Don't doubt it for a minute," he said.
"Well then, why aren't you terrified?" Satan asked.
"Been married to your sister for 33 years," he calmly replied.
"No Thursday's out. How about never - is never good for you?" ~ New Yorker cartoon by Robert Mankoff
DAFFY IN THE HOUSE?
For years and years, the Firesign Theatre's Phil Austin has been running Daffy Duck for President in an hilarious series of Walter-Winchell-styled rapid fire radio items and now, like so many other Firesign premonitions, it's come true!
In an upcoming Warner Bros. election day release of classic Looney Tunes cartoons, (Volume 2), there will be a 4-minute "educational" animation in which the wild duck promises a "year-round hunting season" and "a rabbit in every pot."
Daffy may be throwing his bill into the ring (again) but by then, it'll probably be too late, and that really "Bugs" him...
NOTE: (from Joe Alaskey) "Phil, the cartoon is called "Daffy Duck for President" & was Chuck Jones' last planned project. He didn't live to see it produced but wrote & storyboarded it. (Yes, I do the voices.) The short is also eligible for an Oscar this year."
"Direct to Video! The exciting story of a film that should never have been made and will hardly ever be seen!" - Trailers we'd like to see
SHE'S REALLY GONE THIS TIME
Colorful Betty Hill and her black husband Barney were ostensibly abducted by gray, feline-like ETs back in 1961 from the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Known ever since as the "First Lady of UFOs" and more recently as the "Grandmother of all Abductions," she was 85 when she got beamed up for good.
People who attended her "appearances" never complained of "lost time" as she was apparently a feisty fun-loving dame who insisted that if you want to see UFOs, don't look to the skies, look to the treetops.
"Don't be afraid," she once wrote, "They don't hurt anybody. If they wanted to conquer us, they could."
Please - what are they waiting for?
"Who Would Jesus Bomb?" ~ Bumper sticker from Merl Reagle
WHERE IT'S DUE?
And the puzzling Merl also writes in response to the "SWIM" item last Planet, asking if when a local pool closes down for cleaning every week, do the owners put up a sign that says "NOW NO SWIMS ON MON?" -- which is also the same upside down. (What a smarty-pants.)
And pal, Ed Ryba, noted that he was not credited properly for the second part of a spam rhapsody in the last orbit, and adds that the name of the SENDER is just as surreal:
"Norwood Troyigneous Delphic Lolly topmost Kim Betsy sickle Damascus conifer blissful K's wolfish antiquarian whitehead moody ragout Northumberland Olympic apparatus Vienna coup bipolar copywriter protozoa V's censorial Cobb."
"I wonder what kind of nickname he might have been given by the other kids in school," he ponders.
Also, Tom & Sarah Hensley wrote to demonstrate their support for the unseated Peter Bergman, and affirmed that they're switching to "100% unnatural history" from now on. Join the club!
"We're all cousins descended from 33 mothers over 100, 000 years ago." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts
...AND WE'RE ALL DOOMED
China staged its first bullfight last week in Shanghai with in-sourced Spanish matadors and Mexican bulls, but though the bovines "were taunted, pricked and stabbed," they left with their lives, "in keeping with Chinese cultural sensitivities."
The spectacles are being introduced as part of a cultural movement to promote the city's "culture" and to empty the pockets of the local gentry. Other recent crowd-drawers have included an Italian Formula One race featuring a 5-story-tall Tower of Pisa - leaning to the West, no doubt.
"Happy Tails to you, until we eat again..." ~ After-dinner song of the Proctor cats
IT FINALLY COMES OUT...
Wittenberg archeologists say they have uncovered the toilet on which Martin Luther, a professor of biblical theology at the 16th Century University, penned the 95 Theses that formed the basis of the Protestant Reformation.
The 450-year-old stone-block toilet, ("das klo") was unearthed by gardeners at his ancient home and seems quite modern for its time, consisting of a seat with a hole above a cesspool attached to a primitive drain.
Luther, who often complained of chronic constipation, spent a lot of quality time in contemplation on his non-porcelain throne, but the foundation announced that it would draw the line at letting the annual 80,000 tourists sit on it, and anyone caught doing so will get really nailed.
"Expect More Gas Pains" ~ LA Times heating fuel article by Elizabeth Douglass
Yes = No/No = Yes/Maybe = No
We need = I want
I am sorry = you'll be sorry
We need to talk = You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead = You better not
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
"A man who has burnt his tongue on hot milk will blow on yogurt." ~ Old Turkish expression
I am hungry = I am hungry
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
"Pretty girls make graves." ~ Beat Poet Jack Kerouac
THE BIG PODCAST OF 2005
Several Firesigners recently contributed to a conversation with a gaggle of geeks assembled by Steve Gillmor's on his regular web show, "The Gillmor Gang."
During the course of a fascinating, and at times impenetrable hour, we were introduced to this fast evolving broadcast revolution called Podcasting. You can listen in at:
And for more on this monster that the iPod wrought, go to:
Sounds like a very interesting ride. Stay tuned.
"Hip means 'to open one's eyes' in West Africa's Wolof language" ~ From "Hip: The History" by John Leland, Ecco/HarperCollins
IT BEARS REPEATING REPEATING
Among the many Walter Matthau stories that went around after he died was an anecdote about a trip to Germany. He and his wife were on their way to visit the former Nazi death camp at Dachau, but on the way they got into a terrible argument.
After the visit, heading back to their hotel, Walter turned to his spouse and said, "Well I hope you're happy. You ruined Dachau for me."
"I think it's unsportsmanlike to kill children." ~ Hermann Goering at the Nuremberg Trials
TAKE A WALK
During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation in the state of New Mexico, President George W. Bush said he had a plan to increase every Native American's income by $40,000 a year although he refused to give details. He also told the Apaches that as Governor of Texas, he signed, "yes" to every Indian issue crossing his desk -- 9,637 times.
Before his departure, the Tribe presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle."
After the President departed on Air Force One, tribal officials explained that Walking Eagle "is a bird so full of sh*t it can't fly."
"Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties." ~ GW to Pat Robinson pre the Iraq Invasion
A SCARY WEDDING
We're off early Wednesday morn in the rain for a whirlwind trip to Connecticut and Massachusetts, where we'll be attending a Renaissance Costume Halloween Wedding at Ye Olde Publick House in Sturbridge.
Melinda and I will be appearing as the Peterson clan's Italian cousins, Petruchio and Kate, in ornate red outfits, forsooth! So apologies this year to all of you who've invited us to your annual "horrible" parties!
But we will be back in time for the scariest night of all ... Election Eve.
Or you can VOTE NOW! Just go to:
*****Remember, Nov. 2nd is National Celibacy Day: NO DICK - NO BUSH*****
"Hey, man, you're really sincere! What's wrong with you?" ~ Hipster Terry Southern
Who helped me form this and the last edition include Patti Paul, H. Lee Kagan, Flori Schutzer, Brian Westley, Garry Margolis, the Sun Times' Kate Connolly and thanks as always to A. Nonymous.
"America's Ugliest Bathrooms." ~ New show on the Learning Channel