Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 28

 "Art is not to be trusted!" ~ Artist Andy Thomas

 DANGER IN NYC!

        Over the years, the Firesign Theatre's parody on Radio Noir, "Nick Danger, Third Eye", first released in 1969 as the flip side of "How Can You Be..." has become the name of a garage band, a porno star (www.pornstars-avenue.com/nick-danger.htm) and a site about board games (www. nickdanger.com), but now a giant billboard has appeared in New York City touting a line of clothing named after our character (www.nickdangersportswear.com/)and the REAL Nick Danger is hot on the trail!

        It seems that "Nick Danger" was the nickname of the company's founder Alexandre Stephaniouk and he registered it as a label in 1987. "It's vintage with a twist", Alex said. "I wanted it to be fun and daring, hence Nick Danger."

        The "Nick Danger" line, launched in January 2004 and already in 221 stores including Macy's, is produced by Hampshire, a private-label company that also makes sweaters for LL Bean, Dockers, and Levis. "Actually, I'm called Nick Danger," he added, "a nickname I earned from youthful daring acts.  The name stuck, so here I am."

        Apparently, he isn't aware where Nick's name came from...but he will be, or my name isn't Rocky Rococo!

        For the billboard, go to: http://blahg.blank.org/index.php?p=291&c=1


     "I don't want life to imitate art, I want life to be art." ~ Postcards from the Edge


FLY CHEAPO-CHEAPO AIR!

        They don't sell tickets, they sell chances, all the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out and you can't board the plane unless you have exact change.  Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot and then ask all the passengers to chip in for gas.

        The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway and before take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane, which has both a bathroom and a chapel, but no movie. Don't need one; your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

        You ask the Captain how often their planes crash, and he says, "Just once."


  "St. Peter greets Rodney Dangerfield at the Pearly Gates and says, 'Boy, am I glad you're here! We need someone to open for Buddy Hackett.'"~ He still gets no respect, says Rich Demaio


WOMEN'S PERSONALS

        40-ish.........................49

        Adventurous....................Slept with everyone

        Athletic.......................Flat chested

        Average looking................Ugly

        Beautiful......................Pathological liar

        Emotionally Secure.............On pills

        Contagious Smile...............Does a lot of pills

        Free spirit....................Junkie

        Friendship first...............Former "escort"

        Professional...................Bitch

        Fun............................Annoying

        Outgoing.......................Loud and Embarrassing

        Passionate.....................Sloppy drunk

        Open-minded....................Desperate        

        Feminist.......................Fat

        Voluptuous.....................Really fat

        Large frame....................Morbidly Obese

        New-Age........................Inappropriate body hair

        Wants Soul mate................Stalker


    "That lump on GW's back was actually a hidden WMD, a 'Willful Microphone Deception'." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


YOU'RE FIRED!

        That's what they told Peter Bergman after producing the penultimate evening in his wildly successful "First Friday" series of cultural events for the L.A. County Natural History Museum, designed to complement their "Light, Motion, Dreams" exhibit, which earlier featuring The Firesign Theatre, Sandra Sing Lo and Culture Clash.

        Melinda and I were third row center on October 1st for the "Laugh L.A." lineup, hosted by the wry Frazier Smith and featuring dangerous Rick Overton, the Groundlings and NEA performance artist John Fleck. It was a daring and very funny evening, but apparently because of some barbs aimed at the unpopular culture and President Bush,the elder board members present were not amused. We actually saw them stalk out after the first act.

        "You've heard of the NEA four?" quipped Peter in an L.A. Times interview with Lynell George. "Now we're the NHM Four."

        "Peter Bergman has so many different voices and different styles," said spokesperson Vanda Vitali, "so we hope to be able to work with him sometime in the future. Just for this particular time of where we are in the trial process, he doesn't quite fit in."


      "Hey, was it Harry Houdini who said 'It's not the wand, it's the magic?'" ~ Alan McKay                                            

WHERE'S DADDY?

        The following is constructed from "Father's Details Statements" on Dallas Child Support Agency forms...

        Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, one was fathered by Jim Munson. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted so if you manage to track him down, can you send me his phone number? I do know that he drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

        I am unsure as to the identity of the father of the second, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night, as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. After all, when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

        I also cannot tell you the name of my other child's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.

        Please advise.


     "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." ~ Pro Golfer Greg Norman


ODE DE SPAM

        Our tall golden bed smells. Mine white t-shirt stands-still. Any given expensive glasses adheres. His beautiful laptop is thinking. A shining TV stands-still. The expensive clock is thinking that our children's purple pencil stinks.

        The odd shaped mouse got an idea.

        Mine bluish small magazine is on fire. His brother's small bra run. Any golden soft computer arrives.Their silver book fidgeting and any bluish bottle is on fire. Our noisy bra snores at the place that a given soft sloppy red umbrella sleeps -- and their stupid mouse spits.

        A well-crafted camera calculates.


      "SWIMS looks the same upside down and backwards." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


HITS NOT TO MISS!

        Dear friends, since neither Melinda nor I are on the boards at present we've been watching our friends work. We caught the brilliant Spolin Players, "Nigerian Spam Scam Scam," recommended by Penn Jillette, and "Posing as People", where thanks to actress Victoria Von Roth, I had a chance to meet director Orson Scott Card, whose short stories inspired the evening and some of my own writing as well.  

        Still running is "Lolita" by Edward Albee at the Actor's Playpen, starring Antaean John Walcutt as Humbert Humbert in a role he perversely seems born to interpret.  Call 323.874-1733 for details.

        And if you call 818.506-8462 today and tell 'em Phil sent ya, you can get twofers tomorrow for "The Prince of L.A.", Dakin Matthews' critically acclaimed, funny and thought-provoking play at the New Place Studio Theatre.


       "Flush The Johns!" ~ Sign held by Bush supporter at Tempe debate


WHO AM I?

   (By Montana Miller in The Lozenge, inspired by hot air from Mt. St. Helens and George W. Bush):

                        In Washington, I firmly stand my ground,

                        Rock solid! No one pushes me around.

                        And if you don't appreciate my view,

                        You traitors, I'll erupt and bury you!

                        My crater's dormant till the day I spew

                        Emissions I've accomplished in my dome.

                        But never fear--you are secure at home

                        (Until next time). Those scientists, I'll show 'em:

                        I can't pass "global tests," but in a flash

                        I'll pull an answer out of my own ash.  


 "Once Texas gets hold of you, they don't want to let you go." ~ Freed death row inmate Ernest Willis


AND IN CONCUSSION

        I was honored (and received an honorarium), to engage in a conversation with the brilliant satirist Andy Borowitz after an opening set by Roy Zimmerman at a Writers Bloc evening produced by Andrea Grossman (with an assist from Jeanine Frank) at the Skirball Theater.It was a great success and kept the full house (and me) rocking with laughter!

        Andy's daily surreal "fake news" at www.BorowitzReport.com is not to be missed and his latest book, "The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers" published by (Carly) Simon & Schuster, is a total hoot.

         My favorite entry is "David Blaine to Go 44 Days without Publicity: Boldest Stunt Yet for Master Magician." It's a laugh-out-loud read. Almost as good as seeing him in person.

        By the way, anybody out there heard of a surreal English singer comedian named Roy Henry?


        "There is no key to happiness, the door is always open." ~ Anonymous


PLANET PROCTOR
2004 by Phil Proctor
Published October 20, 2004