Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 27

"I'M PRO CHANCE!" ~ Atheist motto coined by playwright Dan Douling 


                         Things Never Said By Southerners...

        Hell, she's only sixteen, she's too young to be wearing a bikini and Darla, those shorts could be a little longer. Duct tape won't fix that. By the way, honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

        I think my gut is too big. Give me the small bag of pork rinds and trim the fat off that steak. On second thought, I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy, we're really vegetarians. I'll start with the arugula and radicchio salad, and be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken...

        I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. But please, too many deer heads detract from the decor. Also, we don't keep firearms in this house and don't need another dog. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen!

        Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight. Who's Richard Petty? Hey! No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

        I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. Checkmate...

         "Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly." ~ H. L. Mencken


        So, not only is "Puppetry of the Penis" returning for a short L.A. run, so to speak, but the Times' Business section featured an article on the MPAA's NC-17 rating for the upcoming "Team America" film from the creators of "South Park."

        It seems the depictions of "puppet sex" are too graphic for them, even though the actors are a little stiff and wooden.  

        "It's something we all did when we were kids with Ken and Barbie dolls," protests director Trey Parker. "If the puppets did to each other what we show them doing, all they'd get is splinters."

        And the censors are not objecting at all to the story's violence when Tim Robbins' puppet is cremated, Susan Sarandon's dropped 20 stories and Janeane Garafalo's head is blown "clean off!"  Now that's a blowjob!

        "It's not funny - it's tragic," notes Parker.                   

  "Cat Stevens who changed his name to Yusuf Islam (which recently led to a case of mistaken identity) was born Steve Georgiou." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        Planet addict Chuck Lavazzi  writes that he's been amused by some of the (apparently randomly generated) fake names have been showing up in his spam lately. Examples?

        Rebekah T. Inhalers, Digitalizes O. Snorkel, Inculcated O. Blips, K. Pents, Ambitiousness U. Cyanide, Helmsman B. Audiophiles, Fitzpatrick A. Propitiatory, and Flamenco V. Jackrabbit...

        Wait a minute, Chuck, didn't Groucho Marx play him?

  "For once you must try not to shirk the facts: mankind is kept alive by bestial acts. ~ Bertold Brecht


        A University of Pennsylvania study by the National Annenberg Election Survey has revealed that persons who get political information from popular late-night comedy shows may be the best informed.

        Asked six questions to about 20,000 young adults on the candidates' stands on various issues, the humorously challenged who eschewed late-night comedy answered 2.62 questions correctly while David Letterman's viewers answered 2.91; Jay Leno's 2.95; and The Daily Show's Jon Stewart's a honking 3.59, causing the pollsters, to crow that his audience possesses a keener campaign knowledge than  even "national news viewers and newspaper readers."

        Turn on...tune in...guffaw...

   "Some people say we need a third party in this country. I say we need a second one." ~ Jim Hightower


                        Kitty haiku from cyberspace...

   The food in my bowl

   Is old, and, more to the point,

   Contains no tuna.


   Most problems can be

   Ignored. The more difficult

   Ones can be slept through.


   There's no dignity

   In being sick, which is why

   I don't tell you where.


    My brain: walnut-sized.

    Yours: largest among primates.

    Yet, who leaves for work?


    Toy mice, dancing yarn

    Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:

    You're an idiot.

    "One central characteristic of religion is its quality of being a system of literalized beliefs designed to sanctify fantasies of merger with omnipotence, escape from death, and, often, enact immensely violent acts." ~ Jerry S. Piven on "Islamic Terrorist"s in the Journal of Psychohistory


        A refined, senior citizen gentleman, went into a neighborhood coffee bar on New York's upper west side. He saw a good-looking, gray-haired lady seated at a table so he ordered a coffee and took the empty chair next to her.  

        The gentleman looked at the lovely lady and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

   "All political parties die at last of swallowing their own lies." ~ John Arbuthnot


        The above quote and some other political barbs in this issue are lifted from John Winokur's wicked "Curmudgeon" column in "The Funny Times." (See below to subscribe.) I am thrilled that this "funny paper" prints excerpts of the Planet almost every month among all the outrageous cartoons, and I always read my copy from cover to cover as the roster of contributors is stellar, including the likes of Dave Barry, Jim Hightower, Richard Lederer, Andrei Codrescu, Dr. Science and the ever sharp Andy Borwitz.

        And speaking of Andy, I'm going to have the distinct and sidesplitting pleasure of speaking with him on Thursday evening, October 19th at the Furball --- I mean, The Skirball Center in an evening which will also feature the scathing satirical songs of Roy Zimmerman. It's all been put together by producers Jeannine Frank and Andrea Grossman to promote "The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers!" from Simon and Schuster.  Should be fun...and funny.

        Check out the "Writer's Bloc" web page for details.

  "The late Albert Broccoli, creator of the Bond film phenomenon, was formerly a jewelry and casket salesman." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        The day before my colonoscopy, Melinda and I went to the mind-boggling and brain-blowing "Body Worlds" exhibit at the California Science Center. Among the hundreds of Dr. Gunther von Hagens' amazing "plastinated" cadavers, was a box on the wall containing the digestive system from tongue to rectum. What a trip!  

        Please go and take this miraculous journey if you have the stomach for it.  Because of the good German anatomist's immense artistry and patience (it takes 1,500 hours to replace a body's liquids and lipids with fluid plastic in his unique vacuum process) you will become intimate with the wonders of our miraculous body-selves and walk away transformed. You'll be able to say with conviction, "I see dead people!" but in ways you will never have imagined.

        The vision of a family standing before you like red cotton candy in only their circulatory systems will profoundly affect you, as will von Hagen's astounding high sense of humanity and profound humor.

        Of course, Melinda signed us up as future specimens, so I want to be Hamlet holding my own skull in my hand as I intone for eternity, "I knew him, Horatio!"

   "Nickelodeon found that the average 10-year-old has memorized 300 to 400 brand names." ~ Phil's Phunny? Phacts


        Dr. Sokol found two hyperplastic benign polyps and some diverticulosis (look it up and spell it for me) so I am fine and guess what? Tim Curry, who was there that morning (doing research for the "Spamelot" show?) stopped by to exchange pleasantries before the anesthesiologist loosed a flood of blessed propathol into my IV.  

        LIGHTS OUT -- a  "lost time" experience such as I've never felt (or not felt) before.  All I remember was nothing, and then suddenly waking up to look at snaps of my innards.  

        I do however have this vague recollection of being abducted and subjected to a kind of anal probe...

    "CBS co-president Leslie Moonves helped to pick the cast members for Big Brother 5." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        Democratic activist James Carville said, "Back in 2000 a Republican friend warned me that if I voted for Al Gore and he won, the stock market would tank, we'd lose millions of jobs, and our military would be totally overstretched.  

        "You know what? I did vote for Gore, he did win, and I'll be damned if all those things didn't come true!"

        BUT George Carlin DIDN'T say all that stuff about being a "Bad American" in the last orbit, as so many of you graciously informed me! Go to to find out what George really has to say about it...

    "If I were running for president, I would give people a truckload of toys and lots of pennies." ~ Marco, 5, L.A. Times Kid's section

TANKS 2...

        Merritt Anderson, Jack Angel, Glen Banks, Billy Bowles, Bill Coombs, Cecilio Dighero, Tony Gibson, Bob Joles, Gary Margulies, Tony Palermo, Patty Paul, J.W. Reynolds and Michael Sheehan.

                 "SWIMS looks the same upside down and backwards." ~ PPP

2004 by Phil Proctor
Published October 5, 2004