Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 26

"Vote for Us and Nobody Gets Hurt."~ Suggested GOP slogan from Fred Janssen, LA Times Letters 


        Two Republicans boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle and just before takeoff, a Democrat sat down in the aisle. After takeoff, the Democrat kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Republican in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

        "Don't get up" said the Democrat, "I'm in the aisle. I'll get it for you."

        As soon as he left, one of the Republicans picked up the Democrat's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Republican said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

        Again, the Democrat obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Republican picked up his other shoe and spat in it. When the Democrat returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

        As the plane was landing, the Democrat slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

        "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our parties?  This hatred?  This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

    "We are all erring creatures, and mainly idiots, but God made us so and it is dangerous to criticize." ~ Mark Twain


        "If I hear one more person tell me how lousy a candidate Kerry is and how he can't win... Dammit, of COURSE he's a lousy candidate -- he's a Democrat, for heavens sake! That party is so pathetic, they even lose the elections they win! What were you expecting, Bruce Springsteen heading up the ticket? Bruce would make a helluva president, but guys like him don't run -- and neither do you or I. People like Kerry run...

        "So quit complaining and work with what we have. Oprah just gave 300 women a... Pontiac! Did you see any of them frowning and moaning and screaming, "Oh God, NOT a friggin' Pontiac!" Of course not, they were happy. The Pontiacs all had four wheels, an engine and a gas pedal. You want more than that, well, I can't help you. I had a Pontiac once and it lasted a good year.

        "And it was a VERY good year."      <>

    “On August 10th, Lt. Commander Scott Zellem, who flew Bush onto the carrier for his ‘Mission Accomplished’ speech, died on a training flight in southeast Japan.”~ From Larry Lerner


                Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.

                He maketh me lie down on park benches.

                He leadeth me beside the still factories,

                He restores my doubts about the Republican Party.

                He leadeth me into the paths of unemployment for his cronies' sake.

                Yea, though no weapons of mass destruction have been found, he maketh me continue to fear evil.

                His tax cuts for the rich and his deficit spending discomfit me.

                He anointeth me with never-ending debt.

                Verily my days of savings and assets are kaput.

                Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me all the days of his administration,

                And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.

    "Cheney is claiming Bush as a dependent." ~ Letterman's Top Ten, delivered by John Kerry


        Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People.

        The nanny -- well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed and later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room to find that his diapers are soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep and not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

        The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

        "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

        "Well," he replies,  "while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."  

       "Any marriage is a mistake on some level." ~ Sinan Unel, playwright of "Pera Palas"


          Many have asked if any tickets are still available for my upcoming colonoscopy. Yes, but they're all in the rear.

          Richard Brestoff writes, "I had one a year ago and the hoot is the recovery room. You have a coach who encourages you to pass gas. You are not alone though, at least I wasn't. Seven or eight others were being encouraged to do the same and it was like Blazing Saddles in there. Pretty damn funny. They wouldn't let us go home until we had blasted the place with eau de colon."

          And Firesign audio producer Wayne Newitt adds. "My groggy, (but witty) comment was, "Did you see my tattoo?"

        "It's not the trick; it's the magician." ~ Harry Houdini


        When? Pitchblend was one more experience before me even then.

        Of a sudden, my ascending head passed into the trough of a swell. Out of the green, I see at once into a glory of rosy, almost of sanguine light - the multitudinous seas incarnadined, the heaven above a vault of crimson.

        And then the glory faded into the need to hold the door open with my foot for the sake of air. In this attitude my leg debarred the newsboy...

        (To be continued)  

   "There are two rules for success in life -- Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary, be it Democratic or Republican!

        I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer; it makes you a smart American. I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac; try to do it in English.

        I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

        I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.   

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

        I've never owned a slave, or was a slave; I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut the hell up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

        I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

        If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back!

    "Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom." ~ Albert Einstein


        Cases heard in U.S. civil and criminal courts as posted on the American Bar Association's online magazine:

                * Schmuck v. Dumm

                * Gerald Mayo v. Satan and His Staff

                * State v. Big Hair

                * Henny Penny v. Chicken Little

                * Advance Whip & Novelty Co. v. Benevolent Protective Order of Elks

                * Fried v. Rice

                * Hamburger v. Fry

                * Loser v. Superior Court of Alameda County

                * People v. Fester

                * Jones v. God, Jesus, Others

                * Truelove v. Truelove

                * Klink v. Looney

                * Short v. Long

                * People v. Booger

                * United States of America v. 2,116 Boxes of Boned Beef, Weighing Approx. 154,121 Pounds, and 541 Boxes of Offal, Weighing Approximately 17,732 pounds

  "There were so many candidates on the platform that there were not enough promises to go around." ~ Ronald Reagan


        Actually two, and I hope to be there to see Viola Spolin's critically acclaimed Original LA Company performing her Classic Improv Theater Games!

        And that would be -- Eddie Allen, Dan Castellaneta, Donna Dubain, Deb Lacusta, Danny Mann, John Mariano, Anna Mathias, Gail Matthius, David McCharen, Edie McClurg, Pat Musick and Gary Schwartz -- Friday & Saturday October 8 & 9 @ 8 PM at Theatre Palisades, 941 Temescal Canyon Road. Reservations 310.454.1970 or

   "I don't care if John Kerry is a sack of cement, we're going to carry him to victory!" ~ Jim Hightower


        To comrades Merritt Andrews, Glen Banks, Billy Bowles, Bill Coombs, Tony Gibson, Bob Joles and, Tony Palermo, Chicago Symphony's principle tuba Gene Pokorny, J.W. Reynolds, Michael Sheehan, and Pat Willson.

           "SWIMS looks the same upside down and backwards." ~ PHil's Phunny Phacts

© 2004 by Phil Proctor
Published September 21 2004