Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 25

 I DON'T DO WINDOWS

        Writer Mary Willard just bought a Kosher computer, made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM and sold at bargain-basement prices. However, there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer, such as:

        The start button has been replaced with the "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button. It also plays "Hava Nagila" during startup and the cursor moves from right to left. After 20 minutes of no activity, it goes "Schloffen."

        When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?" Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, it gets "Ferklempt" and it shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings

        It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik/business software and one for milchedik/games and with a Manischewitz monitor-cleaning program to rid of all the "schmutz und drek." Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup. If you surf for porn, it says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die."

        When running "Scan Disk" it prompts you with a "You-want-I-should-fix-this?" Internet Explorer has a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner; the multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already?" and if you work it too hard, you'll hear an occasional "Oy, Gevalt!"

        When disconnecting external devices, you are instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."

    "The Jews and Arabs should sit down and settle their differences like good Christians." ~ US diplomat Warren Robinson Austin

ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL?

        I will be going in for my first colonoscopy at the end of this month, (which is appropriate), and here are some purported comments from others who have undergone the procedure, but unlike me, were conscious at the time...

         "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief? Find Amelia Earhart yet? Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before!

        "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...Now I know how a Muppet feels. If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

        "You know, in Arkansas we're now legally married. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there?

        "Can you hear me NOW?"

        "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below." ~ Office building sign

LOOK OUT BELOW!

        In Albany, NY, Government cutbacks are hitting a continental soldier below the belt.

        The 156-year-old (bronze?) statue of Copper John that sits atop the state's Auburn Correctional Facility, was removed earlier this summer for renovation, after which the beloved figure will return to his perch albeit a lesser man, as workers were instructed to "reduce the size" of Copper John's crotch.

        Some of the correctional coppers aren't pleased with the reduction, and are "donning shirts" in protest. Ah, wouldn't it be better to "drop trou?"

    "Australians call brassieres 'sheepdogs' because they round 'em up and point 'em in the right direction!" ~ Larry Belling http://www.writersdreamtools.com

ART IN THE NOOSE

        Julian Barnes writes in "Flaubert's Parrot", "Do not imagine that Art is something which is designed to give gentle uplift and self-confidence. Art is not a brassiere. At least not in the English sense. But do not forget that brassiere is the French for life-jacket."

        So we honor Czech artist David Cerny, recently profiles in the L.A. Times for his politically charged oeuvre which includes a pink Soviet tank, a huge sculpture of baby aliens climbing a radio tower, a bronze sculpture of Good King Wenceslas astride an upside down hanging dead horse and (my personal favorite) "Brownnosers" -- where you must climb a ladder to look into a rear end as puppets depicting politicians feed each other gruel.

        His latest work depicts two naked bronze men urinating into a pool shaped like the Czech map, programmable by text messages.  "To pee over someone" in Czech means to" pull a fast one."

        "It's the way our country behaves," says David.

        "If you can read this, you're not the president." ~ Michael & Katy Lindsay

PUT 'EM UP!

        According to the F.B.I., the number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80 million and the number of accidental gun deaths per year, for all age groups, is 1,500.

The U.S. Dept of Health Human Services tells us that the number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000 and accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.

        So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

        Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

    "No one wanted the crooked legged little donkey, so they decided to shoot her." ~ Mailing from the Peaceful Valley Donkey Rescue -- or was it the DNC?

HERE, KITTY...

         Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash-and rinse."

        Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

        Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids and the cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

        Sincerely, The Dog

        "My karma just ran over your dogma." ~ The Lindsays

WE'RE DOOMED...

        According to Michael Lynd on Ian Master's KPFK show this weekend, three-quarters of Americans never went beyond a high school education, many don't read newspapers or magazines or don't have time because of the demands of making a living and so they get their news from "drive-by" talk radio and TV's Fox News, which garnered enormous ratings during the GOP convention.

        His conclusion?  "Liberals must adapt or die..."

        And in an article in the New Yorker by Louis Menand titled "The Unpolitical animal" it's noted that most people use shortcuts called "heuristics" to choose their candidate and that the most widely known fact about GW's dad in the 1992 election was that "he hated broccoli." He also writes that out that eighteen percent of the 2000 electorate revealed in a pole that they made their decisions "in the last two weeks" of the campaign, and five percent decided on voting day --"enough to swing most elections."

Finally, he quotes a study by Princeton political scientists that estimates that "2.8 million people voted against Al Gore in 2000 because their states were too dry or too wet." It cost him 7 states...

     "Too many ob-gyns aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." ~ G.W. at a Poplar Bluffs, Missouri rally, really...

I, POET

        Our little frog makes sound. Any given noisy balloon sleeps. Her round-shaped carpet prepares for fight and mine silver sport shoes lies (or any stupid bluish sport shoes) prepare for fight.

        Any given smart magazine snores. Her daughter's noisy soda stares. A soft door adheres. Our children's odd-shaped frog stares. Whose bluish odd-shaped glasses spit, however? And still our white recycle bin is angry as soon as their expensive wine calculates...

        Our little green Sony smiles.

    "They are aliens, extraterrestrials." ~ Russian actor/director Konstantin Raikin on the Chechnian terrorists

THE PLANET REPEATS ITSELF, ITSELF

        "It is always a simple matter to drag people along whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders.

        "This is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country."

        So said Hitler's designated successor, Hermann Goering, (1893-1946).

       "Shut the Fox up!" ~Street protestors' chant at the RNC in NYC

EYE "C"

        A man from Poland goes to an optometrist who shows him a card with the letters:  "C Z W X N Q S T A C Z"  

         "Can you read this?" the optometrist asks.  

        "Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy!"

 "Civility dies with the death of dialogue."~ Jesuit theologian John Courtney Murray

I'M "DIS" GRATEFUL...

        To youse all, and especially, Andy at Radio in the Nude, Darin Anthony's Los Alamitos government studies high school teacher, Mr. Loftus, Michael C. Gwynne, Peter Johnson, Garry Margolis, Ed Ryba; and author Laura Ward for "Foolish Words", PRC Publishing, London.

NOTE: ONLY TWO WEEKS LEFT TO SEE MELINDA IN "LADIES"! Call 818.558-7000

   "There is only enough religion in the world to make us hate one another, not enough to make us love each another." ~ "Heathen Valley" Director Darin Anthony

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2004 by Phil Proctor
Published September 10, 2004