Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 24

 THAT'S NO "LADY", THAT'S MY WIFE!

        Melinda Peterson is reprising her role as Eleanora Duse in Burbank's 276-seat Colony Theater in the smart comedy, "Ladies of the Camellias" directed by the author Lillian Groag and running only until September 19, Thursday-Sunday with weekend matinees -- (818) 558-7000.

        It was included this month in Los Angeles Magazine's "Top Ten" and Melinda has been interviewed for the "spotlight" feature in this week's "Backstage West." Here are some recent reviews:

        "The ingredient that jump starts 'Camellias' is Melinda Peterson's dazzling Duse . . . Peterson delivers bon mots with droll, dour style, single-handedly carrying act one . . . stabilizes the production with controlled authority . . . superior comedic instincts." ~ Joel  Hirschhorn, Daily Variety.

        "A hilarious portrait of studied melancholia, Peterson's Duse is as deadpan as a poker champion and just as winning." ~ F. Kathleen Foley, L.A. Times.

        "Melinda Peterson plays a dark, brooding Duse with quiet dignity .. . [and is] absolutely superb." ~ Cynthia Citron, The Beverly Hills Outlook.

        In fact, the entire cast, including original premiere co-performers Victoria Carroll and Marcelo Tubert, is sharp as a tack and supremely silly, so please, come see!

    "The world is too small and life is too short not to want to spend the best part of one's waking time making both better." -- Norman Corwin

GO FOR THE GOLD...

O say, can't you see
That the judges aren't right?
What so loudly we wailed
When our scores weren't redeeming.
The bold gripes of bright stars
Through the petulant fight
O'er the medals we got
(Not the gold we'd been dreaming).
So we pout and we glare,
We complain on the air,
Give proof that we're right,
And that foul wasn't fair. . .
If they would just hang gold on us, like we crave,
We would graciously agree to shut up and behave!

    (Montana Miller for The Lozenge)

"Dude, we totally forgot our slogan..." ~ Medical Marijuana Association Billboard

AND HAVE FUN WITH IT...

Here are your directions:

"Male, warm and approachable, almost geeky in a William H. Macy sort of way.  Specifically, it needs to be deeper than a woman's voice, but not deep and serious like Al Trautwig doing human-interest stories on the Tour De France. Clarity is extremely important."

Here is your copy:

"New Deli Select Combos from Hillshire Farm. Ultra Thin, deli quality, meat & cheese, sealed in glad ware."

Whenever you're ready...

       "We're looking for a real person, not an actor." ~ Voice over directions

BUT WHO'S COUNTING???

 Pay heed, all, to the 10 Commandments of "Holy Matrimony..."

I. Marriages are made in heaven: but so are thunder and lightning.
II.If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say  -- talk in your sleep.
III. Marriage is grand, and divorce is at least 100 grand.
IV. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
V. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing -- either the car is new or the wife is.
VI. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
VII. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say; after marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
VIII. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook; but unfortunately, the law allows only one wife.
IX. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry; that is why wife treats her husband like toxic waste.
X. A man is incomplete until he is married, then - he's finished.

   "What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with? Whatever she wants. He's sleeping." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

SMOKEY THE BEER?

Fish and Wildlife agents recently came across a snoring black bear on a lawn at the Baker Lake Resort surrounded by almost three-dozen empty Rainier Beer cans.

"He drank the Rainier and wouldn't drink the Busch beer," noted campground bookkeeper Lisa Broxson, although he had punctured one can and apparently thought it sucked.

A wildlife agent tried to chase the bear from the campground but the beast just climbed up a tree to sleep it off. They were finally successful in luring the critter into a large, humane trap for relocation, stocked with doughnuts, honey and, (hic!) two open cans of Rainier.

There's some "Bear Whiz" with a punch!

    "This little piggy went to Vietnam; this little piggy stayed home." ~ The election according to Operation USA's Charles Moed

WORN OUT

 Planeteer Patti Paul forwards this "Senior Fashion Police" alert...

"The following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided at all Costco: A nose ring and bifocals; spiked hair and bald spots; a pierced tongue and dentures; miniskirts and support hose; ankle bracelets and corn pads; Speedo's and cellulite; a belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar; unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor; midriff shirts and a middle-age bulge; bikinis and liver spots; short shorts and varicose veins; inline skates and a walker.

"And last, but not least . . . thongs and Depends."

   "Actually, I think everybody is missing sex right now, except for Bob, the houseplant." ~ Nakomis on BB5

ON THE SEEN IN L.A.

My daughter, Kristin in reruns of "The Wire" on HBO, and shilling for "Home Depot" on the Olympics..."Hairspray" at the Pantages and petite star Marissa Janet Winukor backstage at the Big Brother House, getting a tour with petite star Julie Chen...voice-over legend Michael Bell in an L.A. Times front-page article about vegans and green cars...liberal talk show host Michael Jackson finally back on KNX 1070 local radio; and brilliant satirical songsmith Roy Zimmerman on stage at the San Gennaro Cafe in Culver City, Fri/Sat @ 8 through September (frakent1@juno.com) His opening act, Betsy Salkind, was hilarious: "I became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I can afford," while Roy sang like a clockwork-orange Tom Lehrer run amok, including a ditty about the FCC - "the regulatory agency that dares not speak it's name." You can order his latest CDs, "Patriot"/"Act" @ royzimmerman.com

His opening act, Betsy Salkind, was hilarious: "I became a Christian Scientist.  It was the only health plan I can afford," while Roy sang like a clockwork-orange Tom Lehrer run amok, including a ditty about the FCC - "the regulatory agency that dares not speak it's name."  

 You can order his latest CDs, "Patriot"/"Act"  @ royzimmerman.com

  "Put your attention on your intention; that's how life moves forward. Life hears." ~  Actor /activist James Cromwell

MORE BEER!!!

Scientists for "Health UK" recently revealed that hops contain the female hormone phytoestrogenthe, and thus he-males should beware of over consumption, lest they turn into females! To test this assumption, 100 manly men chugged 6 pints in a one-hour period, after which, to a man, they all --

1.  Gained weight.
2.  Talked excessively without making sense.
3.  Became overly emotional.
4.  Couldn't drive.
5.  Failed to think rationally.
6.  Argued over nothing.
7.  Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
8.  And had to sit down while taking a pee.

   U.S. Olympic sprinter Muna Lee's name has to be pronounced "Myuna" because "moona" is a bad word in Greek. ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

OFF WORLD...

And on to the next? Fay Wray, 96, who said, "Every time I'm in New York, I say a little prayer when passing the Empire State Building. A good friend of mine died up there."  They dimmed the landmark's lights in her honor.

Gypsy Boots, 89, who said "I may grow older, but I'll never grow up. Don't panic, go organic! FIIIIGarrrrroooOOOO!"  We met him once near Ojai.  What a great character; he literally beamed! Keep swinging,  Robert "Nature Boy" Bootzin.

And Julia Child, 90-something, (add a pinch of this, a pinch of that).

 "What's cooking under this gossamer veil? Why, there's a great big, bad artichoke, and some people are afraid of it." She taught us that, in her own last(ing) words: "Food is very friendly. Just looking at a potato, I want to pat it."

And may you live on, Nobel-prize-winning Czech poet, Czeslaw Milosz, 93, who wrote in a poem called "Meaning:"

"When I die, I will see the lining of the world.

The other side, beyond bird, mountain, sunset.

The true meaning, ready to be decoded..."

 "The Society of Mutual Autopsy was formed in 1876 to prove that the soul does not exist." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

READ THE CARD

A good ol' boy had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of his pickup truck and one behind it. Then he just stood back and waited.

A passerby from the city studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The fellow replied, "Flat tire." In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When ya' break down they tell ya' to put flares in the front and flares in the back, I ain't never understood it neither."

  "Oprah Winfrey got $17.50 a day on jury duty instead of her usual $493,150.00" ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

MERCY BUTTERCUPS TWO

  Zobo Bongo Davis, Jack Angel, Jerry Gelb, Margaretrose, Lily Rains, J. W. Reynolds and all who saw and will see "The Ladies" at the Colony!

 "And now back to living, which is already in progress." ~ Kurt Vonnegut

    "If you're listening to a rock star in order to get your information on who to vote for, you're a bigger moron than they are... We sleep all day, we play music at night and very rarely do we sit around reading the Washington Journal." ~ Alice Cooper

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2004 by Phil Proctor
Published August 30, 2004