Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 22

 I'M JUST A SILLY ASS

        My long-time pal, actor/singer Don Stewart writes:

        "I guess to be a donkey you have to believe that a person who might have been misinformed is a liar and a traitor.

        "And you have to believe that a Billionaire and a 60 Millionaire are 'one of the people.'

        "And you have to believe that a party that has divided this country on every issue, including denigrating a sitting president in the middle of a war, is going to be able to 'unite America.'"

        "And you have to believe that Michael Moore's movie is a documentary."

            "Seen any good movies lately?" ~ Linda Rondstadt at Universal Amphitheatre

THE PLANET OF THE LOST

        Dear friends -- periodically I lose some of you through unannounced e-dresses, material, marital or mortal changes or simply a change of heart. Here is a partial list of the folks I've lost touch with, and if any of you know how to reconnect with them, please let me know. (Some of them are even ex-lovers...)

        Brooke Anderson, David Avcollie, Bert Berdis, Emily Cage, George Carlin (yes, he's one), Alan Chapman, Emily Chase, Valerie Curtin, Moana Dixon, Elisa Gabrielle (I wish), Bill Hunt (maybe), Tim Kittleson (taken), David Leisure, Alex Polinsky, Wayne Powers, Ken Roberts, Andy Robinson, Marcia Strassman, Jenny Tugend, April Winchell and Roy Zimmerman (he makes me laugh).

        I r-e-main, Your Humbug Servant...Ping Pong, Umpire of the Innerverse      

               "MAJORITY OF SHARES IN FREEDOM TO BE SOLD" ~ L.A. Times Header

THE NAKED TRUTH

        From a red-faced Jack Angel:

        "You know me...I hate people who forward those hoax warnings to everyone they know, but this one is important!! Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!"

        If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off, do not do it! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.  

        (I wish I'd gotten this yesterday; I feel so stupid and cheap, now.)

  "If people asked about the Big Brother house, it's a jail, prison, old folks home and asylum." ~ Marvin on BB5, CBS-TV

BEWARE OF GREEKS BEARING JOKES...

        A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of "Olympic" condoms. Returning home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

        "Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

        "They're in three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

        "And what color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

        "Gold of course," the man proudly responds.

         "Really," says his wife, "Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!" (From "Take A Break" by George)

  "Anyone who's watched Bravo in the last year knows that 'gay' is the new 'black.'" ~ Dylan Brody

NUDES AND BEERS!

        The world's earliest nude painting has been uncovered in a British Ice Age cave and she's 13,000 years old and lookin' good!

        It's an abstract bas relief of a naked babe created by rubbing off parts of the limestone ceiling which contrasts sharply with the more naturalistic renderings of animals, says The Telegram. It's also the first late Stone Age art ever found outside of France, Iberia, and Italy.  

        "We find these boomerang shapes which represented women bent-kneed, thrusting out their bottoms," adds one of the art lovers, named Pettitt. He thinks the drawings depict a ritual dance that may have actually been performed in this cave. Could it be the first disco?

        And a 1,000-year-old brewery in the Peruvian Andes was unearthed in June where priests boiled pepper tree berries and local grains over fires fueled by llama and guinea pig dung to create "Chicha," the "Beer of Kings," for the elite in this Wari mountaintop retreat of Cerro Baul, 8,000 feet above sea level

        Talk about getting high...

   "We didn't get 40 acres; we didn't get the mule; so we decided to ride this donkey for as long as it would take us!" ~ Rev. Al Sharpton at the DNC

AMISH TO GOD

        It turns out that while President Bush made a campaign trip to Lancaster, the heart of Pennsylvania's Amish country, he asked to visit a local woman who had knitted him a quilt; and half an hour later, 60 Amish trooped out of the fields into a local electric company (how ironic). Bush had never met any Amish before (I guess before "Amish in the City" was on UPN), but he was clearly intrigued as he chatted up the bonnets and tried on a farmer's straw hat.

        Entreating their votes in November, a Yoder informed him that while not all members of the Amish church cast votes,they would pray for him, and according to one witness the obviously moved president testified:

         "I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job."

  "[Religion is] a matter between every man and his Maker in which no other, and far less the public, has a right to intermeddle." ~ Thomas Jefferson

I BELIEVE...

                Muslims do not recognize Judaism as a religion.

                Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

                Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of Christians.

                Baptists do not recognize each other in a liquor store or at Hooters.

       "The last time religion ruled the world it was called the dark ages." ~ H. Lee Kagan

TAKE ME OUT

        Three senior ladies are seeing their first baseball game and have smuggled a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the park.  The game proves to be really exciting and they are enjoying themselves, mixing Mr. Daniels with Dr. Pepper. But they soon realize that the bottle was almost gone and the game still had many innings to go.

        Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?  

                                (SEE END OF PLANET)

   "FOUND: Dirty White Dog. Looks like a rat. It's been out a while. No collar. Better be a reward." ~ Personals Section item

BURNED OUT

        Ohio (Amish?) humor writer David Budin suggests, "If men testify, I guess women have to breastify."

        And Victor Kopcewich noticed that the description for the Cerritos Center's website promotinh Firesign's 2005 appearance mentioned: "Their sly wit, smart satire are vivid, eccentric characters have left lasting catch phrases like "Never mind the electrician, pass me the pliers."

        And if you get tickets now, you'll be sure to see us perform scenes from that memorable album! GO TO:

     "Time is the school in which we learn." ~ Delmore Schwartz

OUR DOG IN HEAVEN

        Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

        Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

        "I'll go right away Father," Muldoon said. "Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

        "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!", exclaimed Father Patrick, "Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was a Catholic?"

   "USED TOMBSTONE, perfect for someone named Homer Hendel Bergen Heinzel. One only." ~ Another Personals ad

"SNATCHED"

        That's the title of a new musical by Bob Lesoine based on the novel and the 1954 movie adaption, "The Invasion of the Body Snatchers" to be presented in a concert staging at the Fountain Theater, 5060 Fountain Avenue near Normandie in Hollywood this coming Monday and Tuesday, August 9 & 10 at 8pm.

        I will be performing the role of the psychiatrist, "Manny" with several other Antaeans and guest artists from the recent hit, "Bartleby," luch as Rhonda Aldrich, Connor Eiding, Tamara Krinsky, Richard Miro and Raul Staggs .If you want to come and join in the horrific fun, call 323.663-1525 for one of the 80 plus free seats.

  "Put your attention on your intention; that's how life moves forward." ~ Actor/activist James Cromwell

AND FINALLY...

              (Or the many ways professors grade their final exams):

        Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

        Psychology: Blot ink in your exam books, close them and turn them in. I'll assign the first grade that comes to mind.

        History: All students get the same grade they got last year.

        Religion: Grade determined by God.

        Philosophy: What is a grade?

        English: Scored by the weight of all the books you read this semester:

        Law: Why you should receive an A? Defend your position.

        Mathematics: Grades are variable.

        Physics: Grades are relative.

        Chemistry: All theoretical chemistry is really physics.

        Biology: All theoretical biology is really chemistry.

        Economics: All grades, as a collective, will reach the level where the marginal product (MP) of labor for each individual grade is equal.

        Music: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

        Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade, but YOUR grade is an object in a class of its own Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and has accumulated a passing grade will the student pass the class; else the student will not pass.

        Marxist Studies: The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles. Therefore, everyone will now get the same grade.

        Operations & Logistics: Grades will be posted *at* 12:00 Noon. (NOT 11:59, NOT 12:01)

   "It's too late. I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield." ~ Groucho as "Rufus T. Firefly" in "Duck Soup"

DO NOT PASS GO

        WACKO: http://waco.c-level.org/

        HEAR ME ROAR: http://sagwatchdog.com/index2.html

        NO W: http://www.noduh.com

        MYSTERY: http://www.swissbit.com/haupt.asp?spr=2&nv=2261

     "Go Freedom Toast yourself!" ~ Cheney to Leahy

MERCY BUCKETS!

        To Magic Mike Berger, Edgar Bullington, Dr John Scialli, my daughter Kristin and her boyfriend Geoff, my darling wife, Melinda, the Antaeus Company and "Take Me Out?" Well, "it's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!"

   "These [soldiers] grew up with video games; they've seen thousands of people die on TV... It scares me that some take delight in combat." ~ Army

Chaplin Maj.John Hamilton

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2004 by Phil Proctor
Published August 4, 2004