Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 21

 HOW TO BE AN ELEPHANT

        You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty. You have to believe in prayer in schools as long as it doesn't involve Allah or Buddha; and if condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

        You have to believe that the nation's prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own. AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.

        You have to believe that Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism is ok. And pollution is ok, too, as long as it makes a profit. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions without regulations that affect us all.

        Providing healthcare to all Iraqis is sound policy but providing it to all Americans is Socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart and the best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.      

        Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, like banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet. And a president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to support a preemptive war is good for America.      

            (Compiled from an article by Ann Richard and a new un-credited version)

     "It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another." ~ GWB, 1988

CRAZY IN DUBLIN

        As you know, if you ever get around to reading these things, we recently returned from a relaxing trip through Scotland, Ireland and England. Our motivation for the journey was an invitation from our creative friend Roger Gregg to participate in another comic hour for his Crazy Dog Audio Theatre series on Irish National Radio. This time the show, titled "Bus 13 B", was pre-taped at the comfortably appointed Georgian Brownstone Moynihan Russell studios in Dublin.

        It's a "thoroughly modern milieu" and ranks with the swankiest of our West Coast state-of-the art digital studios, comprised of multiple recording spaces throughout a beautiful, well-maintained multi-storied building, with kitchens, a greenroom with TV and billiards, plus a spacious backyard with picnic tables leading to yet another studio at the back of the property.

        Because Roger likes to perform chunks of scenes with live foley, sfx and physical character movements, we used a spacious upstairs space where actors could slip into their "radio shoes" (and their characters) for scenes played on a removeable wooden platform.

        This kind of recording technique is not dissimilar to that employed by the Firesign Theatre at various times and recently also in a series of Sherlock Holmes pieces I acted in, adapted and directed by Uri Rassovsky of the Hollywood Theatre of the Air. It's great fun, provides the excitement of real time interaction (great for comic timing) and makes editing and post-production easier.

        Melinda and I got to play multiple roles and had the distinct thrill of working with a well-established rep company of wonderfully skilled, talented and successful local artists like the mischievous, multi-voiced Morgan Jones, the lovely, versatile Anne Byrne, the ever surprising singer/actress, Deirdre Molloy and Roger's brilliant young daughter, Fiadh.  

        They were all accustomed to Gregg's "hands-on" approach and welcomed his participation in creating live effects in our midst and capturing outdoor scenes in the garden with a hand-held digital recorder and a boom mike. Very cinematic.

        The completed show with added post effects and original songs and music by the talented Mr. Gregg will be broadcast on RTE in September and we're told that video downloads of our in-studio experience can be viewed soon at http://www.crazydogaudiotheatre.com  

    "We must be meant for each other. Nobody else will have anything to do with us." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

OH, MAN...

        "Gay" used to mean happy; and to many of our fellow citizens, a gay marriage is a happy marriage, so what's the problem?

        Well, it's another case of conservativism over common sense, based on the rule of the religious-minded. The Bible's Old Testament (from "testes", which you had to hold in your hand when swearing you were telling the truth -- gosh, what did women hold?) says in the King James interpretation of Leviticus:

        "If a man also lie (sic) with mankind as he lieth with a woman, (would that include, "I love, ya, baby?"), both of them shall have committed an abomination (also translated as "cult prostitution") they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them."

        And also, remember, "Don't sleep with a woman during menstruation."

        Gay theologists argue that this only established Jewish terms for unclean behavior, like not eating pork  -- maybe that's the same thing.

         Anyhoo, many gay Christians believe that they should be guided by the teachings of Jesus, not Levi, and in fact, our Lord said nothing about homosexuality; but he did preach about faith, justice, mercy, and love. And he also suggested that we "turn the other cheek..."

   "The whole world is run by a bunch of men with penises the size of pins." ~ From "M. Butterfly" by David Henry Hwang

OLD GALS, NEW RULES...

        Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs; the bad news is they have to squat down first.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life, provided we get cable or that dish thing and any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old -- as long as she buys him a few drinks first. I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

        I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose, but some of my body parts are prone to swinging. I think I've reached my sexpiration date. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

         Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up. And don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

        My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

       "60 is the new 30." ~ Supermodel Lauren Hutton on her birthday

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

        That's right, I turn 34 on July 28th, my child bride, Melinda, adds another candle on August 20th and  I know so many other Leos that it's impossible to celebrate them all, so if you're one of them - and I here include my two ex-wives and most of my ex-girlfriends (don't ask) -congratulations!

      "Haven't you heard? 15 is the new 21." ~ Line from a cheeky bird on Fox-TV's "North Shore"

IT'S ALIVE!!!!

        Melinda Peterson and Victoria Carroll will be reprising their roles of Eleanora Duse' and Sarah Bernhardt in the Colony Theater's Burbank-based production of the smart comedy, "Ladies of the Camellias" directed by the author Lillian Groag and opening on August 18th and included this month in Los Angeles Magazine's "Top Ten!" Call 818.558-7000 for information.

        In the meanwhile, I'll be warbling the role of the evil psychiatrist in a staged presentation of a new musical adaptation by Bob Lesoine of the 50s "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" with a host of fellow Antaeans at the Fountain Theatre on August 9th and 10th, as well as continuing to speak for "Big Brother."

   "The Mental Monk and the Mangled Saxon are in the cast of 'King Arthur' and the looping is by Lyps, Inc."  ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

WHO'S LIVE IS IT ANYWAY?

        "Jay Johnson is not full of himself," writes D. J. R. Bruckner in the N.Y. Times, "but in his knock-'em-dead show, 'The Two and Only,' at the Atlantic Theater in Chelsea, he is full of everyone else. A dozen wildly improbable characters spring to life through his zipped lips, not counting voices rising from the basement, floating from the wings or muttering startlingly right next to our ears. This is one of the funniest shows of the year, but it is rich in much more than laughter.

        "Mr. Johnson won cult status as the ventriloquist Chuck with his smart-aleck wooden sidekick, Bob, on the ABC sitcom 'Soap' in the late 1970's, but he is also a master puppeteer...The story is his autobiography, which he calls a dream. It begins and ends with an old master who made Mr. Johnson's first puppet and in death bequeathed his own trademark puppet to him. That ending is so emotionally charged it should backfire. But the storyteller gives it a twist so surprising that the audience jumps up cheering."

        The show may go on to Broadway and I hope Jay brings it back to the Best Coast as well...

       "Yik Ton Hung is credited as Wire Technician on 'Spiderman 2"" ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

EMAIL OF THE MONTH

        Antaean Jeffrey Nordling forwarded this:

        "Government don't want me to sell Underground CD! Check your spouse and staff. Investigate Your Own CREDIT-HISTORY, hacking someone PC! Disappear in your city -- Banned CD 2004, bloodshed, flung the passport."

        Also, Planeteer "Boots" got spammed good by glutamic@bloody-barmy.com masquerading as Offender O. Rectum.

        And finally, Tim Tuffiel writes: "Hey Phil! Did you know that if Halley Berry married Tim Burton she'd be Halliburton? If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader she'd be Elevator! If Buddy Holly married Muhammed Ali he'd be Buddy Ali. And how's 'bout Sean Puffy Combs and Bo Diddly? He'd be P. Diddy Diddly!"

        Keep those e-cards and letters comin' in, and I'll keep d-eletin' 'em.

 "I think we should all be as uneasy as possible because that is what the world is like." ~ E. Gorey

SPAM FREE OR FREE SPAM?        

GET DOWN! http://www.magellans.com/store/Comfort___Security___Pillows__Eyeshades___Ea rplugsIF225

FIRE SIGN UP! http://www.cerritoscenter.com/event_calendar/events_detail.cfm?id_event=867 86799

VOTE! http://www.clothingoftheamericanmind.com

 "Spamalot", a Monty Python musical with book by Eric Idle and directed by Mike Nichols is Broadway bound. ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

MULCH IS GRASSY ASS, TOO..

        Harvey Kornspan, Jim Reynolds, Ed Ryba, Jon Gwynne,"Take A Break" by George, and The N.Y. and L.A. Times.

  "Saddam Hussein is passing time in prison writing poetry, gardening and snacking on cookies." ~ CNN ticker

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2004 by Phil Proctor
Published July 28, 2004