Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 19

"The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts 


The female mosquito, who needs your blood to build the shells of her eggs, is the deadliest creature on the face of the earth, being directly responsible for the deaths of millions annually.

The latest Swiss Army Knife has a laser light, a pen and a 64 mb memory stick that'll plug into a pc port.  The SwissBit's motto? "Always a Bit Ahead."

The Studebaker is back after almost 40 years, reincarnated (sic) as an intimidating 6,000 lb military-like XUV selling for $75-80,000. It gets 12 miles to the gallon, city.

Meanwhile, LA Councilman Eric Garcetti and Mayor James Hahn are proposing to exempt Hybrid vehicles from having to feed the kitty when parking at meters in the city.  He was, however, almost ticketed for parking at an expired meter, since the law would not go into effect until September.

The city is also contemplating a ban on the public use of Silly String.

According to a letter to the London Times, the origin of "OK" is from the French "au quai" referring to bales of cotton and the like that were deemed ready for shipment in old New Orleans.

The most untranslatable word in the world chosen by the Times is the Bantu word  "ilunga" from Tshilba. It means a person ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but not a third time! It beat out my favorite, "pochemuchka" ("a why-nik") which is Russian for a person who asks too many questions.

Anybody know where the "Oooh, I could kill that cat!" line from "Shrek 2" originates? Check the end of the Planet for the answer…

      "Everybody knows this is a theatrical comedy by Bush, the criminal, in an attempt to win the election." ~ Saddam Hussein on trial


        My "Little Brother" Jon Kroll, now New Line senior vice president, was quoted today in the L.A. Times as going full steam ahead with a 10-episode UPN special about "rumspringa" - the Amish tradition of letting youths "run wild" in the world of the "English" before commiting to a life in the church community.

        Filmed secretly at a Hollywood Hills setting in collaboration with the producers of the fascinating 2002 documentary "Devil's Playground", the show "Amish in the City" will follow the rite of passage of three male and two female Amish in the company of six L.A. teens.  

        It premieres on July 28th - my birthday!  And you can bet this Yoder/Proctor will be taping it all on my steam-powered VCR.

      "I'M RETIRED:  I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today…" ~ T-Shirt


        The awesome predictive power of the firey foursome has once again popped up in the pop culture.

        "Anchorman" features funnyman Will Ferrell as a "Ray Hamburger" (pronounced "ham-bur-JEHR) lookalike, complete with bad moustache and a predilection for booze before broadcasts.  If you want to see the origin of a similar character, track down a copy of our 1975 short film, "Everything You Know is Wrong".  

        There's also a hot new book out about the discovery of a sunken U-boat off the shore of New Jersey, called "Shadow Divers."  It was apparently sunk when a torpedo malfunctioned. Well, Proctor & Bergman concocted a similar sequence in the overdubbed cult classic "J-Men Forever," although the target was Los Angeles, which was successfully destroyed, though nobody noticed.  

It's available at

        And in Dublin, I was shocked to find "The Needle" we posited in our Grammy-nominated 2001 CD, "The Bride of Firesign." They call it "The Spire" and it's 120 m tall and right next to an arcade called "Funland" -- not exactly "FunFunTown", but damned close.  

I have the negatives…

    "It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are." ~ e.e. cummings)


        And then there's the Princess Di doll…predicted in the Firesign's Grammy-nominated 1998 CD, "Give Me Immortality or Give Me Death."

        Now, Austrian restaurant owner Hans Buchinger wants to come out with a pair of "Dodi and Diana" dolls for "every children's room in every house in the world."

        Harrods chairman and Dodi's dad Al Fayed vows to keep the couple off the shelf, however and he's already been successful in banning Diana toilet seat covers, colonic irrigation kits, and bumper stickers saying "Bye Bye Di", according to the London News.

        On the streets of Baghdad, however, you can pickup a Chinese-made battery-operated dancing Saddam Doll, which gyrates to the "Hippy Hippy Snake" in full battle gear with grenades, daggers and an AK47 (ammo not included).

        Shopper Mustapha al-Kadamy notes, "We need to be able to smile after all the horrible things he's done to us."

    "He seemed shifty and remote, stumbling through two hours of middling pub rock teasingly punctuated by rare flashes of frail, ghostly beauty," ~ London Times review of Bob Dylan at the Fleahd Festival by Stephen Dalton


        We flew over 7,000 miles so we could walk 30 miles in three days in the breath-taking beauty of England's Cotswolds. Our peripatetic travel pals, Phyllis and Rob (as in Katz & Lewine) commented that we were trying to find "Cots-Waldo", but we found instead a challenging and beauteous hike through rural Southwest Britain from the ancient city of Bath to picturesque Wotton-under-Edge, where Rob observed they have an "under-edge" drinking problem.

        There's much to share about the trip and also our weekend in London, but I'm still too exhausted to attempt it. Next orbit...

   "Dog Fouling Continues to Anger Isle of Axholme Town and They Aim to Stamp Down Hard on It." ~ Headline from the UK's Scunthorpe Telegraph


        A friend of my friend Lynn Taylor, sent the following, which I thought was worthy of sharing with you, dear friends, in these tense and troubled times...

        "We were on the Ferry on our way back from Victoria, B.C. on May 19th.  We decided to eat in the dining room, which is enclosed and has the best views.

        "There were only about 8 or 9 people in the room. We decided to sit on the starboard side of the vessel, next to the window. There was a man sitting at the table next to ours. When I sat down, I got shudders throughout my body and spirit coming from this man. I looked over at him. He looked up at me with a blank and ominous stare that went through me.  

        "I had a strong sense of danger. So, not being one to shy away, I continued to look at him periodically...knowing something was terribly wrong.  He looked at me on several occasions with the same blank stare, never returning my smile.  When he finished his meal, he placed everything on the table in the corner very neatly and proceeded to put some paperwork on the table.  He studied it for awhile and started to make notes.  When he noticed me looking at his actions, he pulled the front part of the paperwork up so I could not see what was on the page he was working on. He left the area.         I had been reading articles about the 7 most wanted terrorists, but there were no pictures.  

"When we arrived in Oregon we purchased a newspaper with the pictures. And, there he was. Maati. No doubt in my mind. He was minus the beard and glasses, but still had the mustache and goatee. It was him! I contacted the FBI and they called me back within the hour. Gave my report, time, date, place and details.    

        "Was it scary? Well, if I had had that newspaper before I encountered him, I would have gone immediately to security on the Ferry. There was something, which I can't explain that triggered the warrior in me and I was not afraid at the time.  If my report helps in any way to assist the gov't in tracking these evil beings, I am ready to 'step up to the plate.'  

        "Messing with a Post-menopausal Taurus woman can be dangerous!"

    "I love ants, I never let anyone kill ants." Marlon Brando to Tony Kaye, director of the now unfinished DVD, "Lying for a Living"


        First, the great Brando, who decried acting as a profession in his later years but still did it extremely well, although personally disillusioned about his real role in helping humankind. What can I say?

        Then Ray Charles.  What can I sing?

         And then the lesser known but widely read Hugh B. Cave, who often wrote his "grisly prose" in the 30s and 40s for Dime Detective, Black Mask, Weird Tales and Spicy Adventures -- often under the pseudonym, "Justin Case". In describing a half-naked broad's "gauzy fripperies", his prose was beyond purple. "They'd call it exploitation now," he once reminisced, "and I guess it was, but it was still very innocent."

        And finally, Eric Douglas, who lost his battle with despair and drugs in New York.  Both Rob and I went to school and summer camp with the other Douglas boys, Michael and Peter, but were affected by Eric's demise because we'd been reminiscing about the family on our trip together.  

And to top it all, my cousin, NY actor George Riddle told me he'd just lent Eric two hundred bucks at a bar the night before he died. Bad luck, George…

         "The Daily Bruin referred to one of Brando's films as 'A Street Cart Named Desire'." ~ Steve Harvey in "Only In L.A."


"Oh, I could kill that cat!" comes from the Freddie Frinton/May Warden British skit "The Birthday Party" -- better known in Europe as "Same Procedure as Last Year" and shown every New Year's Eve on national television.

Anybody else seen it? I have copies...

                "Give George Bush a Dishonorable Discharge." ~ Bumper sticker


Patti Paul, Rob Lewine, Phyllis Katz, Larry Belling and the L.A. Times and English Press...

© 2004 by Phil Proctor
Published July 10, 2004