Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 17

"There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it -- only nut cases want to be president." ~ Kurt Vonnegut 


        Legend has it that a giant serpent, similar to the Loch Ness Monster, has lived for centuries in Storsjoen, Sweden's fifth largest lake; and now AP reports that a government watchdog is asking why a businessman, who wants to raise and market monster babies, was denied permission to search for its purported eggs!

        Ombudsman Nils-Olof Berggren discovered a 1986 decision placing the "mythical" monster on Sweden's endangered species list.

         As Firesign Theatre said in "Everything You Know Is Wrong", "It's in everybody's eggs."

                     "Revenge is like serving cold cuts." ~ Tony Soprano


                The military says interrogation is an art;

                But every single prison guard should learn this song by heart:

                So listen up, enlisted boys and girls, and pay attention!

                We're going to sing together each Geneva-born Convention.

                We start with A for Article, each one of which Applies

                In Any and All cases of Armed conflict which Arise.

                        Sing B for Badges, decorations, and the ID cards

                        Of captives; these effects must not be seized by greedy guards.

                Now C stands for Coercion, threats, or torture: though you got

                Some prisoners to talk this way, acceptable it's not!

                        And D is short for Dangerous--from all such combat zones,

                Your prisoners must be E-vacuated. Skin and bones?

                        F, Fill them up with Food; respect the diets that they chose.

                Make sure their Geographical location you disclose.

                        Sing H for Hygiene, Healthfulness! And spare each detainee

                Intimidation, Insults; public curiosity,

                And violence--such Indignities are all Illegal breaches

                        Of this Convention. On to J: the Justice that we preach is

                        The right of detainees, who must be tried with all due process,

                        And represented fairly, well informed of what the law says.

                Now K, for Kin: you must allow your prisoners to send

                Out mail, or get a package from a relative or friend.

                        And L's for Living quarters, fireproof and never damp;

                        There must be room for exercise in your detention camp!

                It's M for Measures of reprisal (these are strictly banned),

                        And N for Name-rank-serial number (these, you may demand).

                And O! Detaining powers, all Omission causing death

                Or putting health in danger is a breach--so save your breath.

                        There's no excuse for taking People's Personal Possessions;

                Just mind your Ps and Qs, and do not ask your captives Questions

                In language that they do not understand. They may Refuse

                        To answer; if disabled, they must be allowed to use

                        Facilities for Rehabilitation. R and R

                        Are also for their Recreation, which you may not bar.

                We've come to S, for air bombardment Shelter that protects,

                And dorms for men and women that are Separate by Sex.

                        To follow this Convention to a T, you must permit

                        Tobacco use. U's Underwear, footwear, and clothes that fit

                        The region's climate; see to their replacement and repair.

                Hum V for chaplains' Visits! And you must collect and care

                        For any Wounded prisoners. Work payment must be fair.

                An X on all experimenting, physical or medical.

                        Now, Y do we spell out these rules that seem so hypothetical?

                It's easy to forget, between this treaty's A and Zed,

                An article. But any breach is grave, and on your head!

                So sing Geneva's song with me; let's learn our ABCs

                And practice them in all the ways we treat our detainees.

    "History is indeed little more than the register of the crimes, follies and misfortunes of mankind." ~ British historian Edward Gibbon


        Ex-classmate but still classy, Ivan Berger writes, "The actions taken by the New Hampshire Episcopalians are an affront to Christians everywhere.  

        "I am just thankful that the church's founder, Henry VIII, and his wife Catherine of Aragon, and his wife Anne Boleyn, and his wife Jane Seymour, and his wife Anne of Cleves, and his wife Katherine Howard, and his wife Catherine Parr are no longer here to suffer through such an assault on traditional Christian marriage."

       "They party like a Breughel painting." ~ Critic Robert Lloyd on PBS' "Colonial House"


        An elderly man walks into a confessional and says,  

        "I'm 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren; but yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking and we ended up in a motel where I had sex with them both, three times."

        "Are you sorry for your sins?" asked the priest to which the man replied, "What sins?"

        "What do you mean!" the priest gasped, "What kind of Catholic are you?"

        "I'm Jewish," said the voice on the other side of the grill, to which the puzzled priest replied, "Then why are you telling me all this?"

        "I'm telling everybody," replied the man.

            "Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn." ~ Garrison Keeler


        Reuters recently writ that a Brit in Barnsley, England has been forced to cover his lewd garden gnomes with painted-on swimwear after police warned him he faced arrest for causing public offense. While most gnomes fish or enact scenes of bucolic tranquility, ex-army Sgt. Tony Watson's bared their breasts ala Janet Jackson and their buttocks, ooh la la Benny Hill, prompting public outrage.

        "It is an offense to display something that is insulting or likely to cause distress," a police spokeswoman sai. One of the gnomettes now sports a polka-dot bikini, said local resident John Threlkeld, who is less than thrilled.

        "Tony used filler and paint to cover them up". Like what -- butt putty?

    "What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding night? His last name." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        Sony soundmeister Howard London passes on a recent Firesign reference from the season finale of 'The West Wing," which I first heard about from fellow actor Marcello Tubert, who will be featured in the ensuing episodes.

        Josh Lyman, played by Bradley Whitford, is seated in a Bratskeller anxiously awaiting a clandestine engagement with a Palestinian agent and on the phone with a CIA operative:

                JOSH: A guy was sitting at the table, I sat down. He left.

                CIA: He's probably just checking to make sure your weren't followed.

                JOSH: This is a diplomatic meeting?

                CIA: Yes.

                JOSH: It's feeling a little "Nick Danger."

        Then, Peter Johnson writes that the Ledbedev scene "with the drunk pulling the drink to his lips with a towel" appears several times in the writings of poet Charles Bukowski, who claimed to have witnessed the "hoist" in a Hollywood bar.

        "You can see the scene reenacted in "Barfly", about Bukowski's early life as a bum, starring Micky Rourke and Faye Dunaway."

   "'Raising Helen' is the kind of a movie you watch on a plane while muttering 'utter crap' under your breath - and then burst into tears." ~ LA Weekly's Ella Taylor


        Major Mike Harris, who has been my conservative conscience for years, announces that after "eight years, eight months, five days and nine hours in Southern California, I'm off to a much better place, or at the very least, a place with much better pizza."

        He's been reassigned as Support Operations Officer for the 301st Logistics Area Support Group in Fort Totten, NY. "This is an AGR position," he adds. "That's active duty, for you civilian types."  Good luck, Mike!

         "How Mary Matalin puts up with James Carville is beyond me"~ Mike Harris


        Oklahoma City's Leonard Rosenberg died in his sleep last week at the age of 84.

        You probably knew him under his stage name, Tony Randall, whom I first heard on early radio's "I Love a Mystery" and saw on TV's "Mr. Peepers" as Wally Cox's swaggering sidekick. He had dedicated his last years to creating children and fathering his beloved National Actors Theatre in New York.  

        "We've lost a great actor, a great comedian, and a great role model," said actor David Hyde Pierce. "Who am I going to steal from now?"

        Also, John Randolph's NY memorial is set for 5pm on June 20th at the Winston Unity Hall, 235 W 23rd St. Call 646/437-5390.

   "Let's face it. What would life in Southern California be like without summer?" ~ Hollywood Bowl radio spot


        The Hairy Orchard:



        Dynamite Site

    "More than providin' services to 'em, takin' people's money is what makes organizations real..." ~ Deadwood

SPRINGFEST 2004!!!!!!!  

        One of the reasons this Planet is so late in orbit, is because I've been rehearsing my ass off preparing for appearances this June in "The Collaborators" and "Bartleby the Scrivener."

        Author Jonathan Lynn is directing the former in an advanced stage reading prior to its premier on London's West End next year. It is his fascinating, funny and moving story of the amazing relationship between Charles de Gaulle and Marshall Petain and should not be missed. And you all know how excited I am to be singing in "Bartleby'!

        You can check out all the wonderful Antaeus evenings for the entire festival at or call 818/506-5436.

        And I must also specially recommend "The Dickens Project", an epic two-part presentation with an upcoming gala benefit evening at the Theatre @ Boston Court in Pasedena on the 28th and 29th.

        Please, don't wait -- tickets are only $15 and are now available on line at or 866/811-4111.

   "People said 'What the Dickens!' 200 years before Charles Dickens was born." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        Hamilton Camp, Lenny Weinrib, Billy Bowles, Jim Dean, Patti Paul, Tom Healy and so many more for your support and input...

        "Great is the guilt of unnecessary war." ~ John Adams

2004 by Phil Proctor
Published MAY 29, 2004