Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 16

 IN THE NUDES

        Rock star Alanis Morissette, hosting the up North equivalent to the Grammys, suddenly stripped down to a skin-colored, tight nude body suit complete with nipples and pubic hair to demonstrate "hypocritical U.S. censorship", and when admonished by an assistant director that you can't strut such stuff on Canadian TV either, she obligingly ripped off her faux nips and tuft.

        And in Britain, a Philharmonic bass player responding to German violinists' demand that they be paid more because they play more notes, observed: "I can sit on the same note for bars and bars -is that one note or more?"

        Which reminds me of the old joke, "How many composers does it take to change a light bulb?" To which the answer is, "Change? I'm not changing anything!"

        Finally, the American Academy of Pediatrics' reports that there is no meaningful differences between children raised by straight or gay parents, except for one thing: such children are "more tolerant of diversity and more nurturing toward younger children than those whose parents are heterosexual."

   "Who would've ever thought that more nude pictures would have come out under Bush than under Clinton?" ~ Jay Leno

FITS TO A TEE

        A Washington Post columnist runs a column each summer listing interesting women's T-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach. Some favorites:

60 Is Not Old.  (On The Back) If You're A Tree.

Damn Right I'm Still Hot...It Just Comes In Flashes.

At My Age, "Getting Lucky" Means Finding My Car In The Parking Lot.

My Mind Works Like Lightning.  One Brilliant Flash And It's Gone.

I Childproofed My House, But They Still Get In.

I Need Somebody Bad... Are You Bad?

Life Is Short.  Make Fun Of It.

Physically Pffffft!

                 "Campaign Ads Can Mislead Voters" ~ AP Headline

THE OL' MALE BLOG

        Reggae Master and v.o. artist Roger "one Take" Steffens informs us that his favorite translation of last issue's Latin proverb from Seneca is: "Never a man of great mind without a tincture of madness."

        Rog is off with his wife, Mary for a month of Marley shows in Australia, "to include 3 days with the Aboriginal Elders of Arnhem Land, where whites are not normally allowed." He adds that he has finally completed the sale of his voluminous archives to a Chinese-Jamaican billionaire, said to be the richest man of color on the planet (number 216 on the current Forbes' list).

        "My archives will now become the National Museum of Jamaican Music. Far out, huh?" And a long way from the tiny walk-in closet in their Hyperion house we all trooped through in awe so many years ago..."One Love!"

        Finally, from the Mad Doctor Scialli, a quote from liberal firebrand, James Carville:  

        "You know back in 2000 a Republican friend of mine warned me that if I voted for Al Gore and he won, the stock market would tank, we'd lose millions of jobs, and our military would be totally overstretched. You know what? I did vote for Al Gore, he did win, and I'll be damned if all those things didn't come true."                                         

           "We made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends." ~ Orson Welles    

PIG OUT?

        President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, carrying a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says:

        "Sir, those are very nice pigs, sir."

        The President Salutes back and replies: "These are not just pigs, soldier, these are authentic Texas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice-President Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."

        The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says:

                        "Yes, Sir! Very good trade, sir!"

   "A fire hydrant that limited parking in front of John Kerry's Beacon Hill mansion (now in hock for $6 million to fund his campaign), was removed by the city at his behest." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

XA XA, FOHNYEE!

        Writer/Producer Taylor Jessen says he read about a skit in the L.A. Weekly's review of Antaeus' "Chekhov X 4" which captures the essence of Russian vaudeville.  

        Created by the late actor Alexander Lebedev in the early 1980s and still aired on the Culture Channel, it's a 10-minute visual gag about a professional thief who awakens for breakfast so hung-over he's speechless and needs a shot of vodka to heal his aching head.Problem is, because of his severe shakes, he can't get the shot glass to his lips before dumping the liquid onto the floor.

        His contemptuous wife refuses to assist, so he contrives an elaborate crane-like mechanism from a kitchen towel looped over his shoulder to raise the shot-glass to his lips.

        When the liquid hits his system, he regains the power of speech --and belittles his wife for having no class. It's said that Russians can't describe the skit without bursting into peals of laughter.

   "After his death of tuberculosis in Germany, Anton Chekhov's body was shipped home in a railroad car labeled 'Fresh Oysters'." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

NO RELATION

        Suzie Kaufman writes that Andy Kaufman said that "if he'd faked his own death he would return 20 years later, to the day." Well, that would be Sunday, May 16th, so his pals have rented out the House of Blues on the Sunset Strip in West Hollywood in hopes he'll show up -- along with paying fans, of course.

        Even if Andy doesn't show, there will be a night of comedy with Rodney Dangerfield, Caroline Rhea, Bob Oedenkirk, Andy Dick and others. Bob Zmuda (as Tony Clifton) provides the music and the charity -- Comedy Relief.

        Or - come see me singing for free in "Bartleby, the Scrivener" at the NoHo Festival...

     "The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of childhood into maturity." ~ Thomas Henry Huxley

TEN PERCENT OF NOTHING

        Phil Gersh, old-time Hollywood agent to the likes of Humphrey Bogart and Zero Mostel, died in Beverly Hills this week where he still walked daily to his office since starting in the biz in 1930.

        Client actor/director Richard Benjamin related that he once said to him "You know, I'm not going to take you to lunch because if I take you to lunch, who's working for you?"

        "I think he retired once and that lasted for about ten minutes," he added, "He missed the action."  

        Also, I didn't get a chance to pay homage to poor Spalding Gray, whose brilliant life ended in such pain and personal confusion. I only met him once and was surprised to learn that he'd never heard of the Firesign Theatre.  

        At the time of his suicide at 52 he was working on his latest personal monologue, ironically titled, "Life Interrupted." Everyone who ever saw him perform felt that he was sharing his existence with you, warts and all.

        "I'll never run out of material as long as I live," he was quoted as saying. "The only disappointment is that I probably won't be able to come back after I die and tell that experience."  

        Or, maybe he'll show up at the Andy Kaufman event...

    "One of the few good things about modern times -- if you die horribly on TV, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us." ~ Kurt Vonnegut

CAUGHT IN THE NET

                        CLUCK: http://Subservient Chicken.com

                        DUCK: http://www.justiceisduckblind.com/

                 "Oprah says no to all white food." ~ Extra, Extra!

AND MORE THANKEES 2:

        Jack Angel, Aleta Braxton, Rich Demaio, Peter Johnson, Garry Margolis, The L.A. Times' Brad Sears & Alan Hirsch, Brian Westley, Michael Simmons for the "These Times" Vonnegut quotes, and this correction from (among others) Merl Reagle...

  "A no-CARB diet for 2004 -- no Cheney, no Ashcroft, no Rumsfeld, no Bush, and absolutely no Rice."

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2004 by Phil Proctor
Published MAY 13, 2004