Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 15

 OUR MAN IN MANHATTAN

        Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet. You don't even notice the nice lady walking down the street having a perfectly normal conversation with her self. You're not in the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's Eve.

        You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway. You know how to fold the New York Times in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off any hats. You know that it is humanly impossible to actually understand a P.A. announcement. If someone is slumped over in his seat, you complain that "he had to die on your train" because this is going to make you late!

        You move 8,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language' and people still know you're from Brooklyn the minute you open your mouth.

 "A No-Carb Diet for 2004 -- No Rice, No Ashcroft, No Rumsfeld, No Bush: No CARB!" ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

THE AYES OF TEXAS

                We, the People of the biggest little state in the union, hereby declare: let John Kerry become President of the United States (all 49 states) and George W. Bush become the President of the Republic of Texas!

        After all, since NASA is in Houston, we control the space industry as well as telecommunications. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the U.S.; we have over 65% of the Defense Industry. (The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.)

        We can supply all the oil that we'll use for the next 300 years and we also have all the natural gas we need; but since Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you won't need it anyway.

        We currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications not to mention control of the paper industry, plastics, and insurance. We have a ready supply of workers and we can always just open the border when we need more.

        We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world. We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and vegetable produce (and everybody here knows how to cook 'em real goood.)

        We have enough colleges -- and Ivy grows better in the south anyway. (Go, go, Kudzu U!!)

        In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard, the Texas Air National Guard and the Texas Rangers; and since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it.

        Let's face it, y'all -- there ain't a thing out there we need!

       Signed, The People of Texas

    "Treatment of crime and criminals is one of the most unfailing tests of civilization of any country." ~ Sir Winston Churchill

POP ART?

        If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

        If Xerox made toasters...You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

        If Radio Shack made toasters...The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own.

        If the Rand Corporation made toasters...It would be a large, perfectly smooth, seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top. The service department would be unlisted and the blueprints -- highly classified documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

        If Sony made toasters..."The ToastMan" would be barely larger than a single piece of bread and conveniently attaches to your belt.

        If Fisher Price made toasters..."Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank to turn so the toast pops up like a jack-in-the-box.

        If Microsoft made toasters...Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters but would buy them anyway as most bread only works with their "Toaster 04" program.

        If Apple made toasters...It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does but five years earlier.

    "The sound designer on a submission for a Mark Time Radio Award this year is Zerin Loudly." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

SHUT MY MOUTH, THE DOCUMENTARY

        As you may have heard, the Disney Company is preventing its Miramax division from distributing a new documentary by Michael Moore harshly criticizing President Bush. The film, "Fahrenheit 911," which will be premiered at the upcoming Cannes film festival, financially links Mr. Bush and his family with prominent Saudis including relatives of bin Laden and criticizes the president's actions before and after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

        Regarding Mickey's decision, Moore opined: "Should this be happening in a free and open society where the moneyed interests essentially call the shots regarding the information that the public is allowed to see? If this is partisan in any way, it is partisan on the side of the poor and working people in this country who provide fodder for this war machine," he said.

        According to an interview in the New York Times with Ari Emanuel, Moore's agent, Disney might be wary that Florida governor Jeb Bush could roll back tax breaks the mouse gets for the Orlando theme park and hotels. (According to Harry Shearer, however, this seems unlikely!)

        The film also includes comments from some  American boots in Iraq expressing disillusionment with the war,(I know, certainly not the majority of dedicated fighting forces...) probably like the one I found from Marine Maj. James Joseph Clearfield (sic), in the L.A. Times who said:

        "We came here to start a soccer league. Instead they are forcing us to topple mosques."

          "One nation, under guard." ~ Mondegreen from Steve Harvey's "Only in L.A."

BEHIND THE VEIL

        Author Martin Amis writes about fanatical Islamism that these men are raised to believe that they are vastly superior to women; but lacking power and wealth, they can't even "look their women in the face (sic)"  and in the resulting absence of healthy sexuality, it's easier to crash an airplane into the World trade Center and "get laid in the afterlife."

        Also, studies of the severe discipline inherent in the rearing of Arab boys coupled with enforced schooling by fascistic religious leaders, as extensively researched in past issues of "The Journal of Psychohistory", cast light on the origins of the Arab street's deeply engrained and often unconscious wells of repressed rage.

        By contrast, Harriet Fraad suggests, "When parents permit their children to grow up as loved, independent individuals, children are more likely to respect themselves and others. Individuated children are most likely to have the self-confidence necessary to question old and explore new ideas, new methods and new and better ways to rear their own children. Their children, freer to think innovatively, are more likely to invent newer and better ways to develop in every direction."  

        "What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce." ~ Mark Twain

I DON'T COPY...

        Special implanted Planetary observer Kevin Kutchaver writes that "not only are record companies suing their downloading fans, but apparently the Motion Picture Association with Jack (isn't he retired yet?) Valenti are in talks about suing those who download movies from the Internet as well.

        "Being in Post Production and dealing with producer and director's pickiness over image quality and color grading, why is everyone so afraid of a 640x480 pixel image compressed to death?

        "Is the best way to enjoy the third "Matrix" film to watch a tiny Quicktime movie from a hand-held video camera shooting off a dirty Chinese theater screen while chickens run through the aisles?!

                      "Lights...Camera...Legal Action!"

            "Avoid burns - stay close to the Son." ~ L.A.  Church Billboard

GOING DOWN?

        A businessman got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

        He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-*-T."

        She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

        He again answered, "S-H-*-T."

        The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

        The man smiled back to her and once again said, "S-H-*-T", so the exasperated blonde finally explained, "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it? Duuhhh..."

        And the man answered, "Sure, and 'S-H-*-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'."

      "The dirtiest mind in the world is the mind of a censor." ~ Actor Charles Coburn

NOHO, HO, HO, 2004

        I'll be singing my heart out in next weekend's NoHo Theatre Festival, May 14 and 15 at 1:30, at the New Place Theatre Center there above Vineland and Lankershim -- in Jan Powell and Ken Stones, brilliant, funny and heart-breaking adaptation of Herman Melville's famous short story "Bartleby the Scrivener," directed in a staged reading by Michael Lilly and featuring Richard Miro in the title role.       We're paired with another short musical called "The Ghost in the Garden" by Matthew Goldsby.

         Come see - it's free!

        And also that weekend spells the end (for now) of our insanely popular "Chekkov X 4 " production, in which I will be essaying a small role while Mr. Drishell tears up the stage as "Luka" in "The Bear." Come pay, what the hey! Call 818/506-5436 or visit www.antaeus.org

        "He who sits on a red-hot stove shall surely rise." ~ "Reverend" David Banks

DON'T GO THERE?

                ASK THE CHICKEN: http://www.subservientchicken.com

                NOTHIN' BUTT: http://www.buttsacrossamerica.com/homepage.html

                PDB: http://www.whitehouse.org/news/2004/041104.asp

                "Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit."~ Seneca

THANKEE TO...

      Richard Schulenberg, Merl Reagle, The L.A. Times, Richard Laible, Garry Margolis, Jim Tugend, Brian Westley, and -- HAPPY DAY AFTER MOTHER'S DAY to all!!!

 "Women complain about P.M., but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself." ~ Roseanne

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2004 by Phil Proctor
Published MAY 10, 2004