Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 14

 "If you want to make God Laugh, tell him your future plans." ~ Woody Allen


        I am seriously considering our involvement in this mess!  Why are we still there? Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.  Why are we still there?

        We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.  Many of our children go there and never come back. Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership. Why are we still there?

        Many of their people are uncivilized. The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail them out of. Why are we still there?

        There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand. Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans. We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there? They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford.

              It is becoming clear... WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA ~ NOW!

     "It's better to live on your feet than die on your knees." ~ "Catch 22," the movie


        "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno said recently, "As you may have heard, the U.S. is putting together a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? Think about it-it was written by very smart people, it's served us well for over two hundred years, and besides, we're not using it anymore."

        To which fellow actor Ed Cunningham adds, "Could we please just change the constitution to read 'A democracy for by and of SOME of the people'?" At least then, I would have nothing to complain about."  

   "Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan  


        "If there's an echo in this e-mail, I apologize...I'm typing from INSIDE MY CAREER! The last time I worked was the original table read for MEDEA! the last audition I had the guy who went in before me was Edmond Kean!! I cannot get a friggin' job!

         But nevertheless, I am trying to stay positive. It's hard when the last time you auditioned you used Shakespeare as your contemporary piece!"

       (An email received from actor Ethan (Johnnie) Phillips who speaks

for us all...even though I did just land another announcing gig on

"Un-Reality TV" for the fifth season of "Big Brother" this summer on CBS!)..

      "The art of acting lies in keeping people from not coughing." ~ Ralph Richardson


        In 1992, disgraced ex-president Richard Nixon announced on National Public Radio's "Talk of the Nation" that in a surprise move, he would be running for President again under a new campaign slogan:

        "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again."

After hearing audio clips of Nixon delivering his candidacy speech, listeners flooded the show with calls expressing shock and disbelief, but only during the second half of the show did the host John Hockenberry reveal that the announcement was a joke. Nixon's voice?  Comedian Rich Little.

        Then, in 1996, the Taco Bell Corporation announced that it had bought the Liberty Bell from the federal government and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Prompting scores of outraged citizens to phone the National Historic Park in Philadelphia to express their rage. But a few hours later, Taco Bell revealed that it was only a gag.

        The best line inspired by the affair came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold and would now be known as the "Ford Lincoln Memorial."

        Anybody wanna buy a bridge?

     "They say don't tell jokes to the English in pubs on Saturday night. They'll laugh in church on Sunday morning." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license. There is no North and South; it's uptown or downtown.  (If you're really from New York you have absolutely no concept of where North and South are.)

         It's not Manhattan, it's the "City" and you cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like that place in Texas. You cross the street anywhere but at corners, yelling obscenities at drivers for not respecting it. You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop.

        A 500-square-foot apartment is large. Your co-worker commutes 45 minutes by train to a 2,000-square-foot house in the suburbs that cost the same as your 500-square-foot apartment that only takes 35 minutes to reach -- and you think he's a sucker. You're willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent, and you know that store-bought insecticides are just "laughing gas" to the superior roaches cohabitating with you.

        You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the 4 major food groups: Chinese, Italian, Spanish, or Indian. (You have at least 50 menus in your apartment, two thirds of which you have neither ordered from nor even heard of.)

        The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it is beer. You know what a "regular" coffee is. You know the differences between all the different Ray's Pizzas. (You wouldn't bother ordering an pizza in any other city.) You return after 10 years away and the first foods you want are a "real" pizza and "real" bagel.

         You know that the plural form of you is "youse".  

       "Don't Take Life too seriously; you'll never get out alive," ~ Irish toast


        It's National Poetry Month, so I'm sorry to say that a recent California study revaels that poets die young!  Verily, among novelists, playwrights, poets, and nonfiction writers in the US, China, Turkey, and Eastern Europe, Reuters reports that poets definitely died after an average lifespan of 62 years, compared with 63 for playwrights, 66 for novelists, and 68 for nonfiction writers Why?

        Lead study author James Kaufman of the Learning Research Institute at CSU at San Bernardino says it could be because poets are tortured and prone to self-destruction. Or, it could be that many poets become famous at a young age, so their early deaths are noticed.

        But writer/poet Martin Amis, who recently spoke at the LA Times Festival of Books, notes, "A poem is only trying to slow time down. It says, 'Let's examine this moment.' It stops the clock."

        Yeah.  Literally...

  "'The Fashion of the Christ'? Loin cloths and hand and feet piercing are the latest craze this season." ~ Steven Allen Green


        Reuters also reported that a German took his female neighbor to court for laughing too loudly, but the judge threw out the case.

        An unnamed and unemployed complainant said the 47-year-old woman who lives in a flat above his, kept him up all night with hours of raucous laughter enjoying a meal with friends but the judge dismissed the complaint of disturbing the peace, stating,

        "Laughter is a general sound of life. It will not be banned."

  "The story of mankind is the story of learning how to get by without God." ~ Writer Martin Amis

BOB & RAY -- & TOM?

        Many fans of the great radio geniuses Bob & Ray's quirky American humor are unaware that much of their material, so seemingly off-the-cuff, was actually read off-the-page and was secretly written for them by a guy named Tom Koch.

        His first-hand account of those years was recently revealed from interviews published in SPRDVAC's Radiogram Magazine  and his whole story can now be purchased in a new book by Dan Gillespie titled, "Bob and Ray and Tom"

        To read all about it, go to and tell the Big Panda Bear that Phil, who grew up laughing with them all, sent ya. []

    "I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." ~ Bob Hope


        The "Micro-Mark" catalogue is exclusively for "small tool specialists," and being "the Total Tool", I thought it worth perusing, thanks to fellow Antaean and all-around hobbyist and handyman, John Apicella.

        A few choice items: Water-cooled Grinders and Powered Nibblers, Scriber/Scraper Sets with extra-comfortable Spring-loaded Clamps. Jumbo tweezer sets, straight knurling tools and independent chucks PLUS a steady-rest and jumbo cut-off tool. Six-flute countersinks, "wiggler" center finders and reamer sets. Lathe Dogs.  A multipurpose shank that'll let you screw, drill holes and grind "in places you never could before." Enjoy the thrill of Live Steam!

        A Crocodile-Action Ear Polypus, designed to remove foreign or domestic objects from the "eary" canal. Patented Cam-Action Sprue Cutters and Seam Scrapers.  Dapping Blocks, Mini Bending Brakes. and "Flitz" polish (from Germany "where keeping things bright and clean is a way of life.")

         Doc O'Brien's Weathering Powders in Dirty Green, Grimy Black, Grungy Gray and Muddy Red. Magnetic Gluing Jigs. Realistic Water, Static Grass, Clump Foliage and lightweight Hydrocal.

        Place a small order, today!

       "Life's too short to try to live it longer." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        Planeteer Larry Belling read in the Telegraph in London that 58-year-old physiotherapist Chris McDonnell, of Canterbury, Kent, who concluded in research that slippery banana skins were a comic myth -- has been hurt slipping on a banana.

"Laurence Fishburne’s first major stage role was in blackface." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts, from The New Yorker


        As part of "LA LIVE!"at the Natural History Museum, produced by the infamous Peter Bergman offers an orgy of Literature, Dance, Music and Theatre  on May 1, May 15, June 5 and June 19th (with the indestructible Firesign Theatre, Culture Clash and Sandra Tsing Loh) for only $15 per venue at 8pm in the Jean Delacour Auditorium, 900 Exposition Blvd.            

        According to Literary Night participant Maryedith Burrell,"This includes admission to the new hot exhibit 'L.A: light/motion/dreams' before the show. VERY COOL, designed by actual French people and all about LA...go figure...with convenient parking nearby."

        Also, she notes, "Wolfgang Puck just took over the restaurant so you can get a decent meal beforehand. It really is one-stop cultural shopping and a great night out."

        We were there last nigt for the kick-off evening and couldn't agree more.

                Get tickets at or call 866-468

     "An anti-war group planning a demonstration before the Republican National Convention was denied a permit to use Central Park because the crowd would be too large." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


      Tom Healy, Bob Lloyd, Richard Schulenberg, Dr. John Scialli, Patient Bill Vallely, Ian Abercrombie, Rene' Auberjinois, AK Armpitt, and Paul Eiding.

   "The first widely distributed film to us the F-word was 'What's New, Pussycat' in 1965." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

© 2004 by Phil Proctor
Published MAYDAY, 2004