Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 13

 "In every deliberation, we must consider the impact of our decisions on the next seven generations." ~ The Great Law of the Iroquois Confederacy

 OH, MY GOD...

        Dear God, in Sunday school they told us what you do for a job. Who does it when you are on vacation? I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.

        Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Also, my brother told me about how you are born, but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?

        Finally, thank you for the baby sister, but what I asked for was a puppy.

                  (More kids talking to their other Father, like G.W.does.)

     "Mom, I think I owe you an apology." ~ Seven-year-old Luke Peterson to his mother, after blowing his nose in her scrambled eggs


        As reported in the journal "Nature", archaeologists recently excavating the tomb of Maia, wet nurse to the boy king, Tutankhamun, uncovered a complete and apparently aged lion, mummified over 3,000 years ago.

        And now we've learned from a grave in Cyprus, that the ancestor of our common house cat,  (then, a "cave" cat?) was a companion to early peoples at least 9,500 years ago -- long before records of their use in protecting granaries from mice in Ancient Egypt.

        No wonder they're called the king of the beasts.

    "The U.S. went to Mars, yet has failed to repair electricity in Iraq after a whole year...It must be intentional." ~ Former gov't minister, Abd Karim Hani


        A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

        After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut. Suddenly, from above, a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

        Startled the blond moved, poured a thermos of Cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.  Again, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now worried, carefully shuffled clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her fishing hole, but the voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

        She stopped, looked skyward, and asked: Is that you, Lord?"

        "NO!" The voice replied, "THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK."

    "Women, as they grow older, rely more and more on cosmetics. Men...rely more and more on a sense of humor." ~ George Jean Nathan


        It's called "subbotnick" and in Moscow it's the yearly cleansing ritual involving tens of thousands of average citizens who turn up when the snow finally melts after almost a half-year under the sway of Father Frost, to scrub, paint and replenish the common streets, courtyards and public parks.

        Started in 1919, it's considered an honor by the people to surrender one spring weekend to the tasks at hand towards the beautification of their sprawling city. As one volunteer puts it, in the blurb in the L.A. Times,

        "It's only one day; not much to give to the state."

    "The pandemic of 1918 killed more people in 24 weeks than AIDS in 24 years." ~ From "The Great Influenza." by John. M. Barry


        30 years ago, a little restaurant in Madison, Wisconsin started selling pizza by the slice.  It was called "Rocky Rococo" the name of a character I voiced on the Nick Danger side of the Firesign Theatre's "How Can You Be" album, which we eventually allowed them to license.

        Their version of the Rocky character is a tough-talking wise guy who's, deep down, a pizza-loving good fella. One memorable TV spot had Rocky dressed up in medical garb and saying, "Nine out of 10 doctors recommend my pizza and the tenth ain't recommending nothin' no more."


    "We got - how many? - 500 dead in Iraq, and several 1000 more wounded, and they worried about a titty. A titty! What kind of a sorry-ass nation is this?" ~ "Boondocks" strip creator Aaron Mc Gruder in The New Yorker


                   (The Hokey-Pokey by the Bard, forwarded by H. Lee Kagan)

                        "O proud left foot, that ventures quick within

                        Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.

                        Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:

                        Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.

                        Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,

                        A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.

                        To spin! A wilde release from Heaven's yoke.

                        Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.

                        The Hoke, the poke -- o banish now thy doubt

                        Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about."

     "These car bombs are mostly done by Americans. When they are searching you, one is putting an explosive device in the car." ~ Hussein Ramadan, Baghdad vendor


        Our pal, Gabby Gruen writes that he's back at good ol' Chiat/Day Advertising for the next few months where the mailroom has posted the following...

        "We re-alphabetized the mailboxes in the mailroom this morning and made a few changes that hopefully will make it easier to find your mail slot.

        "If the numerological value of the first letter in your last name is a prime number, (A, C, E, G, and so on), you're toward the first.  After that, we grouped everyone with the same first name together in a group. But if it's the same name as a big celebrity, you got higher priority. (i.e. All the Brads, all the Jennifers, etc..)  

        "The rest of you, take the first three letters of your last name, apply them to the values a, b, and c in the Quadratic Equation (respectively), and solve for x, to determine your place in the mailroom.

        "We hope this is helpful."

  "If you'd put the Iraqi War on ABC, it would've been over in 13 weeks." ~ Richard Sherman


        Over 40 years ago, John Randolph cast me straight out of Yale in my first off-Broadway play "Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" at the Martinique Theater, where I had the great and irreplaceable pleasure of acting with, as John would say, "My wife, Sarah Cunningham!" That's how he always introduced her, "My wife, Sarah, Cunningham."

        John took me under his wings and into his vast amphitheatre that was his heart; and like so many others, we remained friends right up to the end of his amazing life. He was Godfather to my daughter, Kristin and was present at all my weddings or wedding receptions - but let's not go there...

        Besides appearing with John on the Broadway stage in "The Sound of Music," we made numerous appearances in school auditoriums and YMCA's in fund-raising events for a liberal number of lost and found causes by dramatizing the Bill of Rights with actors like the young Paul Winfield, singing folksongs with Theo Bickel, or playing "Jewish Poker" with John (anyone remember that skit? I can't.)

        But it was at those wonderful, often moving events, that John taught me a lesson about acting I've never forgotten: "Peter!" he said, because for some reason, he often thought of me as Peter; "Peter - I mean, Phil -- we're actors!  We make our living as actors!"

        And because of that, he insisted that those of us who gave of our time for these good causes should be paid something - 5, 10, 20 bucks -something, for our time and talent, "Because we're actors, damn it!"

        John, your body may be gone, but like Tony Pope, your spirit marches on.

        A NYC memorial is coming up on Sunday, June 20th.  Contact his daughter, Martha at for details, and contributions can be sent to the John Randolph Memorial c/o Martha Randolph, 2571 Pacific Heights Road, Honolulu, HI 96813.

         "An actor is not quite a human being, but then, who is?" ~ George Sanders


        The Antaeus Company production of "Chekhov X 4" at the Newplace space, 4860 Vineland, is currently alternating with the funny, pithy and smart Andak production of Dakin Matthews' original play, "Prince of L.A."

        Since I am now doubling with Ralph Drischell, you can next catch me on Friday, May 7th, Sat., May 8 @ 8pm, and Sun., May 9 @ 2 and 7pm. Recent audience members have included Howard Hesseman, Austin Pendleton, Kip King, Geoff Mandel, Mark Harelick, John Goodman and Richard Benjamin and Paula Prentiss. Come and see stars!

        The show will be closing soon, but I'll be performing in a wonderful new workshop musical for the NoHo Festival based on Herman Melville's "Bartleby the Scrivener", at 1:30 on Saturday and Sunday, May 15/16 -- as well as rehearsing for a Firesign Theatre performance, June 19 at the L.A. Museum of Natural History.

                Call 818/506-5436 or visit

  "Cheney's biggest trick is making George Bush wake up every morning and believe he's the president." ~ John Dean in "Worse Than Watergate"


        ...the following "unaccredited" contributors: Marc Cashman, Brian Westley, Gary Margolis, and The good old L.A. Times. I hope that this new occasional feature of the Planet will allow me to acknowledge some of those of you whose submissions might have gotten lost in the rewrites...

   "A U.N. agency has just approved the first new Morse code signal since WW II, . - - . - .  for @." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts





        FARM REPORT:

    "Everybody knows, when you're running a country and you're in a war, s**t happens.  But when you're standing in a pile of s**t, saying there's no s**t here - that behavior is remarkably unreasonable." ~ The Daily Show's Jon Stewart

2004 by Phil Proctor
Published APRIL 27 2004