Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 01

 UPWARD AND ONWARD     

        Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "MOUNT & DO."

        Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."   

        Yes, it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

             "He is a CEO's wet dream." ~ Columnist Molly Ivins on G.W. Bush

TAKE ONE, PLEASE

        You're reading for the voice of an extraterrestrial in a new CD-Rom game. Here are the specs. Now, put on yours, read the following and then start talking:

        "Use the following guide as a start point...Take a steely voice (we started with Clint Eastwood, but he is too monotone and gravely [sic].)...Work in a little of the creepy enunciation of Richard O'Brien (as used on Orthopox).  When he is wisecracking...he veers more towards Bruce Campbell/Ash's (Army of Darkness) livelier wisecracks.

        A 'Furon voice' post effect will be applied to the voice to add an alien/50s scifi quality..."  (Thank God!)

            "The faster you go, the shorter you are" ~ Albert Einstein

NEXT IN LINE

         A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

        While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, a drunk in line behind her stated,

"You must be single."

        The woman was a bit startled by this ejaculation, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single. Looking at the six items on the belt and observing nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have informed him as to her marital status, she said:

        "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

        The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

   "What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman? You can drop her off anywhere." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

IT'LL ALL WORK OUT

        I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

        C'mon! Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it; don't waste 'em on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart to live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap!

        Should you cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? (You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass -- a green leafy vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.)

        Is beer or wine bad for you? (Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.)  What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? (Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is "No pain -- good.)"

        Aren't fried foods bad for you? (You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?)

Will sit-ups help prevent one from getting a little soft around the middle? (Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.)

        Is chocolate bad for you? (Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans? Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!)

        I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.Have a cookie. Oh, one more thing:  "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."

         (Author unknown - but he's probably dead.)

 "Balance your body. Dissolve your stress. Restore your sole." ~ Copy for Polarius Magnetic Shoes

LET'S EAT PORN SPAM

        His brother's round-shaped bluish silver bra walks. Mine stupid eraser is angry and perhaps a given bluish kitchen arrives. Whose beautiful TV is fidgeting? Their green camera is on fire. The well-crafted Sony snores. A well-crafted boat calculates. Her small t-shirt sleeps and perhaps his brothers silver sloppy Sony falls.  

        Any noisy pensil stares. A noisy wine prepare for fight. His beautiful exam book stands-still. Mine little fancy hairy sloppy beautiful table walks. A given white small white t-shirt stares. Whose beautiful frog walks? And perhaps whose round-shaped expensive bottle stares...

        A given expensive printer show its value. Their round gun walks. Our children green binocyles smells. Her daughters silver small mobile phone calms-down while our round red soda spit. (Mine red stupid table spit.)

Her white underwares makes sound.

        A tall boots fidgeting and still whose noisy bed fidgeting. Her tall round house got an idea. Mine white frog stands still. Her daughter's odd shaped little beautiful binocyles stares.

   (PLEASE! Send me more spam like this! It's the machine-generated poetry of the 21at Century.)

   "There is no argument by which one can defend a poem. It defends itself by surviving, or it is indefensible." ~ George Orwell

 DON'T YOU DARE!

        In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife. In Ames, Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife. A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.

        Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds. The only legal sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position while in Nevada, sex without a condom is considered illegal.

        A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day. A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets; and in Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex at the city airport.

        In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

   "Why are hurricanes named after women? Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

DON'T QUESTION GOD!     

        Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? It's O. K. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes?

        It's great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. And did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?

        Dear God, in school we read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday School they said you did it first. Did he steal your idea? How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?  And what does it mean, you are a "jealous God"? I thought you had everything you wanted. Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?

        I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was terrific. I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God.

        Finally, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.

        PS: Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really.

     "One of the biggest traps we fall into is the belief that if we have faith, God will surely lead us into success in the world." ~ Minister Oswald Chambers

AMISH MY ANCESTORS

        But I'm learning more about my Grandpa Yoder's father's brother, J. W. Yoder, thanks to a brilliant new book on his life by Mennonite poet, Julia Kasdorf.

         "Fixing Tradition" gives me new, startling revelations every day about my ex-Amish relative's amazing history as a teacher, musician, linguist, performer, lecturer and author, resented and revered for his relevant, irreverent application of Christian principles in the evolving culture of turn-of-the-century America.

        He lived until 1957, and I have a ivid memory of being in his awesome presence back in Goshen, Indiana, as a very young boy. For an inspiring read, go to:

                http://www.cascadiapublishinghouse.com/ft/ft.htm

 "The Passion of the Christ" topped the Easter charts, followed by "Hellboy." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

STOP TALKING

        Ed Sciaky, a prescient on-air promoter of free-form radio who often hosted the touring Firesign or Proctor & Bergman on his shows at WHAT and WMMR ("the station with heart") in Philadelphia, died suddenly early this year. I'll never forget his home with its walls of records, and the hospitality we always received from him and his wife, Judy.

        Also, legendary veteran BBC broadcaster and writer Alistair Cooke left the air at 95 at his home in New York. For 58 years, Cooke presented the world's longest-running spoken radio series "Letter from America" in which 2,869 shows resulted in more than 717 hours of broadcast time. I remember him best in black & white, as the host of the pioneering "Omnibus" cultural variety show on early TV.

        And another "Englishman," an omnibus of a man, writer-actor-raconteur and comic recording-artist Peter Ustinov left us as well, saying in one of his last interviews for Reuters:

        "I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized music in the world." His first play was staged when he was only 19 and his acting career lasted more than 60 years and won him many nominations, and Academy Awards for supporting roles in "Spartacus" and "Topkapi."

        Fluent in French, German, Italian, Russian and Spanish, Greek and Turkish, Sir Peter was knighted in 1990. He decided that the epitaph for his gravestone should read -  "Keep off the grass."

    "Critics search for ages for the wrong word, which, to give them credit, they eventually find" - The late, great Sir Peter Ustinov       

     And look for a "lift" on church announcements in the April issue of "Reader's Digest"!

     "Bush recently invited officials from the NRA, Ducks Unlimited and Pheasants Forever to his ranch near Crawford, Texas." ~ Article in the L.A. Times

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2004 by Phil Proctor
Published APRIL 18 2004