Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 10

 "N.J. Gov. Christine Todd Whitman named a turnpike rest stop after Howard Stern." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

 WELL, SHUT MY MOUTH!

        This week the Senate will vote on the Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act (SB 2056) which has significant ramifications for free speech and artistic freedom and directly impacts performers and announcers by increasing existing fines from $11,000 to $500,000 (almost 5000%!) for an initial indecency and eliminates the existing requirement that a warning be issued first.

        Incredibly, this amount is almost double the fine that can be levied against a corporation that holds a broadcast license ($275,000). Fines could even be imposed on performers or announcers for taped rather than live material, representing a striking shift away from the FCC's long-standing policy that the broadcast licensee is responsible for programming decisions.

        Since much of radio content is now controlled by a few right-wing Christian conglomerates, it seems obvious that the onerous fines that could be imposed on smaller, independent stations could close them down.

        As serious funnyman George Carlin said recently "The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things -- bad language and whatever -- it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is religious superstition.

        "There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body...It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have."


       "You know 'that look' women get when they want sex?  Me neither." ~ Steve Martin


BLANKETY-BLANK RIGHT!

        Radio Producer Lorie Kellogg, who sent me the above, adds that "Children have been exposed to language from the dawn of time. People have been cussing since the first person smashed a thumb with a hammer. People cussed last year, the century before and back when Jesus lived. We need colorful language to communicate passion, anger and frustration.

        "Other Western countries have much more freedom of speech and language than the US (Canada, England, France, Germany and Italy, for example) and their children are not being corrupted or ruined by it.

        "Parents know how to deal with language around their kids. We talk to each other and let them know where words work and where they don't. Shielding our children from reality is not the answer and can have negative effects."


   "If everyone lived like Americans, you'd need three planet Earth to sustain that level of consumption."~ Conservationist Peter Raven


ASK MR. BIBLE

        The "Presidential Prayer Team" is currently urging us to pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage for a proposed Constitutional Amendment. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles, insistingthat "God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government."

        So here, from an unnamed source (God?) is how marriage will look if the U.S. Constitution is amended to fully embrace the original "Biblical Principles" based on readings of the Holy Bible.

        1. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)

        2. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives.(II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)

        3. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)

        4. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)

        5. Since marriage is for life, no federal or state Constitution nor law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)

        6. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe. (Gen. 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)


    "Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" ~ Dustin Hoffman (Or is this from Woody Allen???)


MORE ON PASSION

        Frequent contributor, Danny Mann wrote a while ago about the opening week of Mel Gibson's now biggest-grossing R-rated gross-out film, "The Passion of Christ":

        "Am I going to see it? No, I want to read the book first. It opened with 15 mil' -- not counting the collection plate. Prediction: The movie will open huge, then die at the box office; but will come back at Easter. TV spinoffs will include: 'Aramaican Idol', '12', starring Kiefer Sutherland, and an unnamed Pontius pilot."

        Other upcoming sequels according to cast members of "Chekhov X 4" -- now extended at the Antaeus Newplace Studio til early May -- will be: "Good Friday the 13th", "The Exorchrist", and "Nails From the Dark Side."


         "Crack Found on Governor's Daughter; Iraqi Head Seeks Arms" ~ Actual 2004 Headlines


MORE SEXY LAWS

        If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle he must honk his horn three times and wait two minutes before approaching; but any couple making out inside a vehicle and accidentally sounding the horn may be arrested at once in Liberty Corner, New Jersey; while Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching folks having sex in a car.  

        In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a tollbooth, while in Tremonton, Utah, no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having an orgasm.

        In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home after sundown and if you are nude. Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law; and in Washington State there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances -- including the wedding night.

        In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons. No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia and hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. No couple may have sex unless they are wearing these nightshirts.

        Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes and a Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.


     "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand" ~ Woody Allen (or Dustin Hoffman?)


SHAKE A SPEAR?

        A review by actress/writer/usher Tulis McCall of Shakespeare's King Lear at the Beaumont in NYC, in association with the Stratford Festival of Canada, directed by Jonathan Miller and starring Christopher Plummer,


                Oh dear, dear friends, methinks I saw King Lear,

                And for an evening's fare I found it meager.

                I made no laugh, I did not clap. No tear

                Flowed o'er my cheek. For exeunt I was eager.

                How can it be that actors, so well schooled,

                Reduce themselves to baseness on the stage

                With Acting 101 interpretations

                Of jealousy, anger, madness and old age?

                The lights were dark, the storms too loud; the whole

                A piece of opera without a song

                To guide the viewer to the grassy knoll,

                Whence Dr. Miller made his play most wrong.

                Of New York's state of mind there's now grave doubt.

                Perhaps, like Lear, we're mad.

                The play's sold out.


      There are 10,000 Ushers in the Naked City. This is a story from of one of them. To receive "Usher Nonsense", contact tipsmcc@yahoo.com


        "Does anyone really need a re-closable bag for cookies?" ~ Dan the Beachcomber


WHAT'S "UP" DOC?

        London pediatric Allergist Dr. Adam Fox has released a list of inside medical terms, which reveal that if your chart is marked UBI, it means "Unexplained Beer Injury", PGT means "Pissed, Got Thumped", PAFO, "Pissed And Fell Over", ATFO means "Asked To F*ck Off," and "Plumbum Oscillans", means you're not really sick but want a doctor to say so. (It's Latin for "swinging the lead.") GOK is the "God Only Knows" diagnosis and TEETH means "Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy".

        The "Dirtbag Index" is "the number of tattoos on the patient's body multiplied by the number of missing teeth to estimate the total days he has gone without a bath."  FLK is a "Funny Looking Kid" and a PIMBA is a Brazilian acronym translated as a "swollen-footed, drunk, run-over beggar."


"Handbag Positive" refers to a confused elderly lady. "Pumpkin Positive" --a brain so small that a penlight shone into the patient's mouth will make his head light up like a Jack-o-Lantern. A Code Brown is fecal incontinence, "Digging for Worms", varicose vein surgery.

        The "Departure Lounge" is slang for the geriatric ward where "Giving the O-sign", means a patient lying with his mouth open or if he's giving the "Q-sign", his tongue is hanging out.  

        The "Rule of Five" is the principle that if more than five orifices are tubed, it's all over; GPO means "Good For Parts Only" and LOBNH -"Lights On But Nobody Home." Finally, CTD means "Circling the Drain", for obvious reasons.

        Fox apparently doesn't know "TTD", from Dallas' Southwestern Medical School which refers to an unexplained knife wound, since the victim always begins -- "These two dudes..."

        By the way, his item was sent to me by "Purkaz" and I haven't an inkling what that stands for...


  "Most all are in mint condition. Except for the decapitated head." ~ eBay description of "Monster Toys" from Ernie Farino


PLANET PROCTOR
2004 by Phil Proctor
Published MARCH 25 2004