Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 09

 HAPPY ST. HANGOVER'S DAY

                        Leprechauns, rainbows

                        All sorts of green fashion.

                        Redheads drink Guinness

                        Then do some gay  bashin'.

                        Names like O'Brien,

                        Cabbage  and corned beef

                        Kilarney, Shillelaghs,

                        Clovers of three leaf.

                        Gosh and Begorah

                        (it pains me to say)

                        Hope ya had a good National

                        Irish Stereotype day!  ~ Thomas Allen Heald

  "He that is born under a three-penny planet will never be worth a groat." ~ From 'Proverbs of Ireland'

A BAD CASE OF HANG NAILS

        According to local police inspectors, an unidentified 23-year-old man in Bangor attached a suicide note to a home-made wooden cross and then nailed one of his hands to it with a 14-penny nail and a hammer, but when he realized that he was unable to nail his other hand to the board, he called 911.

        It was unclear whether the man was seeking assistance for his injury or help in nailing down his other hand.

        Police reported that he told them he had seen "pictures of God on the computer" but had not seen "The Passion of the Christ," so Mel Gibson will not be called in as an immaterial Seventh Day Witless.

        Somerset County Sheriff Barry DeLong added that no charges will be filed since "There is no crime here."  Yeah. And Jesus was responsible for his crucifixion, too.

    "All paths in life lead to the same place - nowhere. So pick out one with heart." ~ Carlos Castenada

MIRACLES AND MUDDY THINKING

        An 8-week-old Italian baby girl had 8 organs transplanted at the Miami-Jackson Medical Center: a new liver, stomach, pancreas, small and large intestines, spleen and both kidneys, while Attorney General Ashcroft had his gall bladder removed, leading fellow Antaean actor Ayre Gross to quip: "Evidently Ashcroft has slightly less gall than before."

        The Saddam Hussein regime stole 10 billion bucks from its people under the United Nations' Oil For Food program, set up to help Iraqi babies and others in need; and since countries like Syria, Jordan, Russia, France, Switzerland, Panama and Luxembourg, will not divulge where the majority of the pilfered funds are stashed, they are accessible to terrorists.

        The Trumpster, Donald, is trying to copyright the words, "You're fired!"

        According to The Skeptical Inquirer, (my Bible) Over 95% of us believe in God, 68% in the Devil, 76% in Heaven, 76% of teenagers believe in Angels and one-third of Americans believe the Bible must be taken literally. 2% of us are Jewish.

        While Injustice "Quackquack" Scalia refuses to admit defeat. in "Monkeytown", Tennessee - actually Dayton, where the Scopes Monkey Trial was held - Rhea County has rescinded its attempt to ban all gay and lesbian residents even though as art-store owner Karen Slikker puts it in the LA Times report, "God prohibited [homosexual behavior] because its not good for us."

        There was also an uproar somewhere over a school's issuance of a Prince who married another Prince storybook; and Howard Stern, who is not one of my heroes, was censured for the content of his show and his explicit language, which like Bono's exuberant award-winning response, is now deemed as "prurient" under our present Puritanical tyranny.  

        I'm too p*ssed to bother with the f**king details.

    "Anyone who defines marriage in terms of what happens in bed has never been married." ~Anna Quindlen in Newsweek

TSING LOH, SWEET PATRIOT

        Recently fired from local public-supported KCRW for failing to bleep the F-bomb in a recent comic commentary, Sandra Tsing Loh turned down their offer to be reinstated and explained her decision in an interview with John Gorenfeld on Salon:

        "NPR? Yes, it tends towards blandness. I always joke about NPR commentators, having been one myself -- 'autumn leaves are falling...my antique baseball card collection reminds me of my grandmother...'

        "It's not that we don't all love chess, and crossword puzzles, and funny little news quizzes with puns, and discussions of cobbler we had in Alabama in the old days.  It's not that there isn't a place for that. But perhaps NPR should just look and see if we can't change the ratio of pieces on antique baseball cards and cobbler...How many funny little news quizzes do we need over the week?

        "It's just a little bit of a bowtie nation."

     "We're wheeling and dealing like we've never whelt and delt before!!!" ~ Local car-dealership radio spot, presently on air

OBLIGATORY ST. PAT'S JOKE

        An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

        "Just water," says the priest.

        The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

        The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!  He's done it again!"

     "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~ Woody Allen

MOST UNUSUAL EMAIL AWARD

        Goes to my  "oldest" friend, singer/writer/lecturer Warren Lyons, who wrote: "Let's see. Today's To Do list: pick up laundry, buy NY Times, brain surgery, answer e-mails, take out garbage, dine.    

        "I am home after in-and-out, same day surgery at UCLA, followed by the initial programming of the left brain implant.  

        "Coming soon: additional programming of side one, and, of course, side two! Never dull! Bionic love from Warren."

   "Every bad play or film has self-incriminating dialogue in it."~  Mel Gossow quoted by Leonard Maltin

SMOOCH REDUX

        Bill Benzel writes: "I remember watching a film back in the early '60s.  It was called 'The Kiss' and I'm almost positive it's early Warhol. I recall it as about a half-hour long kiss with two faces on the screen, while I was left to imagine what else was going on.

        "I was in my early twenties and I remember thinking it was pretty hot, though it got boring after a while."

        To which film guru Leonard Maltin replies:

        "I must confess I never heard of the Warhol film...but I think Pee-wee Herman, of all people, got in the Guinness book for longest kiss with Penelope Ann Miller in "Big Top Pee-wee"...You'd have to search a bit further to confirm this, but it sticks in my head for some reason."

        Research further?  Moi?  I leave that to you, dear readers!

                    "Peace, Love and Brown Rice." ~ John Randolph

SPAM WITH A TWIST

        I apologize to ask your cooperation even though we have not met. I am the father of a very high official of a very important North America country which I cannot name here. Please excuse my writing to you unannounced on this vital matter.

        Although my son was appointed leader of this (unnamed) country with some reservation for his ability to govern, we also arranged for more experienced operatives to guide and assist him, and we feel he has done a surprising good job for projecting an image of strength and leadership, and has gained the love and loyalty of many of his subjects.

        I write now to ask your help with an important situation of great possible fortune for both of us. I am a member of a small investment group called THE CARLYLE GROUP. Although you have probably not heard of it, we are strategically position to profit from arms sales which are the assured result of instability in the world.

        My son and his associates have been successful to portray anyone who would question a military budget which is greater than the military budgets of the next eight countries combined, greater than even the "Cold War" level, as traitors. And I assure you he understands the concept of meeting force, or threat of force, or imagined threat of force, with strong-armed action, and therefore we feel the prosperity of our Group is assured well into the next decade.

        But only if you will help by casting your vote properly in the November election! Our belief is that this next election may actually be determined by vote count, and therefore I ask your help. The continued prosperity of Group like ours will result directly in more jobs for people like you, although we are not free to explain the process by which this can occur, but wiser people than you and even wiser than us have assured us that it is so. So again please vote properly in next election.

        Again, with apologies for your kind attention since we have not met, I am sincerely yours -- Honorable Georgia Bushywa (attribution unknown)

          "If I were two-faced, would I have chosen this one?" ~ A. Lincoln

EXTENDEDDDDDDDDDDDDD

        Da! - Due to extraordinary critical acclaim and popular response, our Antaeus Company production of "Chekhov X 4" @ 4860 Vineland has been extended until at least May 2nd. Look for articles and pictures in the L.A. Weekly and L.A. Stage.

        Beginning Saturday April 10th, we will play Saturday nights, Sunday Matinees and Sunday evenings though May 2nd -- as we will be sharing the stage with Dakin Matthews' world-premier production of his original play on the Catholic Church, "PRINCE OF LA."  

        Because it's a small space, we're selling out fast, so please call for times and reservations for both plays at 818/506-5436  or www.antaeus.org

   "There is only one element that film and television cannot rob from the theatre: the closeness of the living organism" ~ Jerzy Grotowski

STILL FUNNY

        Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they pitched their tent, lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

        "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

        Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

        "What does that tell you?" inquired Holmes.  

Watson pondered for a minute, and said "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Chronologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is All Powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does the sky tell YOU, my friend?"

        Holmes was silent for a minute; then spoke:

         "Watson, you imbecile. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

   "Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a pop on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards."~ From Patty Paul

TAKE A TRIP

 NUTZ? http://www.TruckNutz/PrankPlace.com

BAD? http://www.villainsupply.com

 GAY? http://www.thespark.com/gender.test

WHA? http://www.engrish.com/

               "Dogs Have Owners, Cats Have Staff"~ Bumper Sticker

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2004 by Phil Proctor
Published MARCH 20 2004