Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 03

"Heck is a place where people go who don't believe in Gosh." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts" 

 FROM THE OLD SNAIL BAG

        Jack Slater says that the 'celibate story ' in the last orbit reminded him of something similar.

        "My nephew was adopted at birth. One day when he was about 5 or 6, he asked his mother where babies come from and how they get started.  His mother took a deep breath and gave him the whole truth and nothing but. Afterwards he said --

        'Whew, I'm really glad then that I was adopted.'"

        And the Delphic Jon Delfin noted a gaffe in the last orbit's obit of the late Uta Hagen: "Uta was married to Jose (and Mel to Audrey Hepburn, who has rarely been confused with Uta Hagen). And Mel and Jose Ferrer were, in fact, not related." Thanks to all my copy editors!

        And finally, to prove I'm not the only one with "senior moments," the L.A. Times corrections noted that a lyric from the song "At Last", most celebrated for it's rendition by Etta James, was quoted incorrectly in a Calendar Weekend story: The opening phrase is:

         "At last, my love has come along..." and not... "my love has gone away."


    "We got 70% of the vote [in Fresno] The other 30% just never forgave me for the movie 'Hercules in New York.'" ~ Gubernator Arnold


NO SH*T...

        "Pooped" from hauling 4,500 hundred pounds of frozen human waste yearly from a high-altitude solar toilet on the slopes of Mount Whitney, district rangers want to institute a port-your-own-potty, pack-it-out policy in 2004.  

        "Share the load, " says ranger Gary Oye.

        But hiker Melanie Hanusova as quoted in the L.A. Times, says that the average back-packer gets so tired:"They could care less where they crap...

        "I am sorry, but we humans are mostly pigs."


       "Send Bush to Mars!" ~ Ohio unemployed-demonstrator's protest sign


I BELIEVE IN DOG

        On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

        On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

        On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as food for the dog.

        On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

        On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

        On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke

        On the seventh day, God wanted to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

               (Anonymous from L.A. Church of Religious Science's "Voice of Reason")


         "He looked like a prairie dog on speed." ~ Sen. Alan Simpson on Dean the Underdog's rant


MADE IN CHINA

        Where they're itching to change the rules so that commercials for unappetizing products like hemorrhoid ointments and athlete's foot balms are banned from dinnertime TV.

        "Chinese media [aren't] completely commercial," states Zhao Xianquan, chief editor of Central Chinas state-owned news center, "so we still worry about people's feelings."

        But Beijing advertising employee Ye Lingyun reminds us "People do more than sit around watching television. They need to consume things.  And without ads, they wouldn't know what to buy."

        Or what to believe in?


    "Californians treat immigration as a kind of cheap pinata, cynically bashing it every time undocumented workers are offered a benefit."~ Op-ed writer Carlos Rajo Ramos


ALLAH MIA

        The biggest stage hit in Egypt these days is a play called "Mama America", described recently in an L.A. Times article by Megan Stack. Playwright Mohammed Sobhi packs the house with such zingers, as "They want to take our land," says a rueful Israeli. "My father worked so hard to steal that land."

        And in response to the gift of a broken down jalopy a character observes, "It's the engine that's bad.  It's an American engine, and American engines just suck the oil out."

        The plot revolves around Mamma, who in collusion with Israel wants to marry the down-and-out Arab family's number-one son, Egypt, erase his memory and take over their land. An ironic hit indeed in a country that gets $2 billion a year from Daddy America and is presently playing the role of mediator between Israel and the Palestinians.


            "Don't be alarmed.It's worse than it looks." ~ from 'Angels in America'


I HAVE A SCREAM!

        After Howard Dean's over-exuberant post-election speech in Iowa, it might behoove us to revisit another politician's wise words. Here's John F. Kennedy, from his 1961 State of the Union address:

        "It is one of the ironies of our time that the techniques of a harsh and repressive system should be able to instill discipline and ardor to its servants - while the blessings of liberty have too often stood for privilege, materialism and a life of ease."

        Then, the "political" painter Marc Chagall once shook everybody up when he asserted, in response to criticism:

        "Of course, I draw badly.  I like drawing badly.  Impressionism and Cubism are foreign to me.

        "Art seems to me to be above all a state of the soul...let them eat their fill of their square pears on their triangular tables!"

        When he passed away at the age of 97 at St. Paul de Vence in the South of France, where now stands a museum that honors him, Chagall was still painting -- because he always wanted:

        "To stay wild, untamed...To shout, weep, pray." -- Yeaaaaahhhhhgh!


     "Abandon yourself to success!" ~ Dr. Walker, L.A. Church of Religious Science


YEAAAAAHHHHHGH!

        From Jim Windolf in Vanity Fair, some other  rousing, flag-waving mottos:

        AMERICA...You'll Come for the Religious Freedom - You'll Stay for the Capitalism!

        AMERICA...Inventor of the Gated Community

        AMERICA...Pioneer Days Over - Wimps Welcome.

        AMERICA...You Want Fries with That?

        AMERICA...Almost All Paved.

        AMERICA...Milk, Milk, Lemonade.  Round the Corner Fudge is Made.

        AMERICA...Where Any Sentence Can End with  -- "'n Shit".

        AMERICA...Teenagers with Money!

        AMERICA...Just Try and Knock That Smile Off Our Face.

        AMERICA...Are We There Yet?


   "A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money." ~ G. Gordon Liddy


WHA' HOPPEN'D?

        Three guys in Spokane streaked through a Denny's -- talk about fast food -- but were picked up later shriveled and shivering in 20-degree weather because a thief took off in their idling car with their clothes.

        A cockatoo in Dallas, slain while vainly trying to protect his owner from his slasher assailants, may turn into a hero if the prosecutors can prove that DNA in blood samples from the two suspects matches that found at the site.

        "Bird," named after pro-basketballs' Larry Bird, swooped down on his late master's attackers and clawed and pecked them enough to draw blood before they dispatched him. "Bird was Valiant, " said prosecutor George West.

        And apparently, Sir Winston Churchill's 99-year-old parrot still says, "F*ck the Nazis" and "F**k Hitler" in Winston's unmistakeable inflections!

        And yes, last year, Lenny Bruce was forgiven for saying the blues by N.Y. State Governor George Pataki, after his 1964 conviction for obscenity. Attorney Corn-Revere opined, "We live in a free society, and you don't turn people into criminals just for speaking their mind."

        He then referred to one of Bruce's most memorable routines. in which a traveling salesman orders a $100 prostitute upatairs. There's a knock on the door --

         "And a bearded writer comes into the room."


   "Editorial writers are the people who come down from the hills after the battle to shoot the wounded." ~ Murray Kempton


 SAY IT ISN'T SO?

        It's been reported in no less a prestigious publication than "Newsweak" (sic), that Modern Manhattan metrosexuals have been going to pricey uptown beauty salons not to have their backs waxed, but their "b-lls."

        Since when has "balls" become a dirty word?

        Anyhoo, Wall Street types are shelling out $100 a pop for the thrill of "extreme" waxing. which rhymes with "scream."

        But, explains practitioner Lidia Tivichi, it can make oral sex, well, sexier because "Without the hair, everything down there looks bigger."

        Siegfried and Roy have publicized for years that because of their efforts the endangered white tiger has been saved from extinction. But n an article from a local paper called "Citybeat", the writer says: "Unfortunately, this is a fallacy."

        It seems that the white tiger is just a genetic abnormality, "an aberrant form of the orange Bengal tiger."

        Or, as waggish magic man, Harry Anderson, sang to me over the phone recently, "Pardon me, Roy, but isn't that the cat that bit you?"


   "Every time a man has sex, he produces enough sperm to impregnate every woman in Europe." ~ "The Descent of Men" by Steve Jones, Houghton Mifflin


 OFF THE SCREEN

        Yesterday, I had a sudden thought while driving around town about Bob Keeshan. He just "jumped" into my head, and I wondered, "When did he pass away?"

        Today, in the issue with the announcement of his death, The L.A. Times puzzle features the words "Captain Kangaroo" right down the center of the graph!

        He was 76 and those of my generation remember him as the seltzer-crazed Clarabell on the "Howdy Doody Show."

        Ironically, that "silly clown" and ex-Marine pioneered a 23-year long kid's show that eschewed violence, and was so identified with the gentle, conversational character he created, that his youngest daughter, Maeve, after sitting on the Captain's lap on his set, told her daddy when he returned out of character, "Daddy, daddy, you just missed Captain Kangaroo."

   And so will we all.


  "There's something emotionally corrupt about films that celebrate the worst in us." ~ Actor Sean Penn


PLANET PROCTOR
2004 by Phil Proctor
Published JANUARY 24, 2004