Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 01

"Howard Dean should take his tax-hiking, government-expanding,latte-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, Times-reading, body-piercing, Hollywood-loving, left-wing freak show back to Vermont where it belongs." ~ Iowa "Club for Growth" TV Ad 


        Here's to the sharp-eyed readers who caught my last "challenge". Yes, We were actually in Snowsemite, not Yellowsnow, for the Bracebridge banquet this Orange Alert Xmas past. The seven-course formal feast was held as usual at the "Shining" Ahwahnee Hotel, which means "Gaping Mouth."  No kidding...

        It actually did snow Christmas morning and stopped not til we awoke the next day to glorious sunlight illuminating the icy cascades and towering, cloud-clad cliffs surrounding us.

         It was breathtaking.  And picture taking, too. For digital snaps, go to my site.

   "If you're alive, you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, you've got to make a lot of noise, because life is the very opposite of death." ~ Mel Brooks


        And the feast continues, as 2004 finds me with more on my plate than I've had for a long time, for which I'm extremely grateful. Listen for me in radio and TV campaigns for Toshiba Office Machines, Twin Falls Federal Bank and Carrier Heating and Cooling, this first quarter. Also, there's an important V.O. meeting at the SAG/AFTRA headquarters next Thursday, Jan. 22 regarding inter-active employment. Come and interact!

        I'll also be singing Russian songs and performing a small role in "The Anniversary" -- one of four short plays in "ChekovX4" at the Antaeus' new 44-seat Studio Space on Vineland through the end of March.  

                For more information and tickets, go to

    "To see where you're going, you have to look within." ~ Dr. Walker, Church of Religious Science


                        So far this morning, God,

                        I'm doing all right.

                        I haven't gossiped,

                        I haven't lost my temper,

                        I haven't been greedy,

                        Grumpy, nasty, selfish, or


                        I'm really glad about that.

                        But in a few minutes, God,

                        I'm going to get out of bed,

                        And from then on,

                        I'm probably going to need

                        A lot of help.

        "Every child needs an honest adult in their life." ~ Mr. Rogers


        It's 2004.  There's a lander on Mars and men in constant orbit around the earth.  We're gonna build a Moonbase, shuffle off the Shuttle and pave the Red Planet.

        You can buy a robotic vacuum cleaner. The LavNav is an electronic device that affixes to the inside of your toilet seat cover and alerts you by a red or green light if the seat is up or down. Thirty years after Woody Allen's "Sleeper", an Orgasmatron has been patented to get an implanted babe off at the touch of a button. A white-tailed deer has been cloned exclusively for hunters.  It should be called "Blambi".

        A Swiss-based underwear maker has developed a high-tech bra which it claims will help women quit smoking through capsules giving cigarettes an unpleasant taste and soothing withdrawal symptoms. The bra is also treated with liquid titanium to break down cigarette smoke in case of any second-hand fondling.

        A war is being waged between the Extreme Right Wing factions of Islamic and Christian Fundamentalists and we're all in the middle of it; and in spite of a 1995 promise to stop baptizing dead Jews, including David Ben-Gurion, Anne Frank, Moshe Dayan, Albert Einstein and the founder of the Zionist movement, Theodor Herzl, -- a Mormon official admitted that more Jews may continue to be baptized posthumously.

        And of course, Pat Robinson says God wants G.W. Bush to be re-elected.

                                Hippy Nude Rear!

        "With a donut in each hand, all things are possible." ~ Sign in a donut store


        Almighty imagen cancelling cheeky cayley ephraim donahue admission carlton artistry gambia archibald afghan sentinel glottis nicaragua perspire sherwin mutton buildup Serbia.   

                (Poetic Spam recently received from "Roxy Betts")

   "It's sleepytime in Neverland when the big hand is on the little hand." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        1.) Put the first 3 digits of your phone number (no area code) into a calculator.

        2.) Multiply by 80.

        3.) Add 1.

        4.) Multiply by 250.

        5.) Add last 4 digits of your phone number, twice.

        6.) Subtract 250.

        7.) Divide by 2.  Call yourself "busy."

               "Nothing is free. That is a given." ~ Realist James Wilks


        Planet explorer and satirist Bob Harris writes from Bangkok in the middle of his "40th birthday round-the-world trip" to say that "Here in Bangkok, I had the chance to peruse something called Schmuck magazine...

        "In Bloemfontein, South Africa, you could probably buy it in a family-reading chain called 'Cum Bookstores'. And if you want to hide behind shades while browsing there, you can buy high-fashion designer sunglasses in Singapore at kiosks run by 'Commode'."  

 Happy Bangkock, Bob.

  "Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggy!" whilst looking for a stick"~ Attributed to Talleyrand


        The bullstory I passed along last orbit is actually a true story, I'm informed by numerous "hysterions" including Richard Schulenberg, who told me in person!  

        Seems that when Calvin Coolidge was president, he and the Mrs. toured a poultry farm and became separated.

        Mrs. Coolidge was shown a rooster and when informed that he was able to mate several times per day, she told the farmer, "Tell that to Mr. Coolidge."

        When the president got to that part of the tour, the farmer said Mrs. Coolidge insisted that he be told about the rooster's mating abilities.

        President Coolidge asked, "Same hen?"

        "No, of course not," replied the farmer.

        "You tell that to Mrs. Coolidge," said not-so-silent Cal; and ever since, a male's ability to get it on, more often, with multiple partners, has been known to scientists as -- the  "Coolidge Effect."

    "Homerus Americanus is a red, white and blue Maine Lobster. The pilgrims thought them poisonous and used them for fertilizer." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts   


        The Washington Post asked readers to create edgy inspirational statements. Here are my "poisonal" favorites:

        "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs. "(Richard Doty, Washington)

        "Never say die. I've tried, and it doesn't actually make people die." (Tom McCudden, Durham, N.C.)

        "The early bird gets the worm. But then, you can also get a worm by drinking a whole bottle of tequila." (Ben Schwalb, Severna Park)

        "Laughter is the best medicine, but in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

        "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you're probably the executioner." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

        "Each dawn brings us a fresh start, because we never freakin' learn, do we?" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

        "True beajhington)

        "It takes a village to raise a child to hate all of the people in the next village." (Charles Star, New York)

        "Every dog has his day. Of course, his day consists of smelling other dogs' butts." (Mark Briscoe, Arlington)

  "After the devastating earthquake in Bam (sic) a New York Times reporter quoted a geophysicist named Waverly Person." ~ Rob Lewine


        Keith Mast writes that there was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace who was a great dog except for one weird habit. He liked to eat grass, not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush.

        One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside, and as it was getting dark, he decided to look for it the next morning.

Upon awaking, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area where he'd been working and his misplaced wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun. Grateful, he called the dog over to him and said,

        "Ah, grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."

  "There are no censors now. I can say whatever I want. It makes me so happy, I want to dance," ~ Iraqi theatre student Yahid Ibrahim Elayh


        In the latest issue of Leonard Maltin's fun and fact-filled newsletter, Movie Crazy - For People Who Love Movies, he writes about "Soundies" the pre-MTV 3-minute musical films cranked out in the 40s for then ubiquitous "video jukeboxes."

        Among the many future stars who came to Hollywood to participate in the craze was "Walter" Liberace; and I knew about this because on tour with Proctor & Bergman, a former neighbor told me that the day Lee received the early-morning telegram from the coast he packed up his mom and brother George, and took off in the family jalopy, never to return.  

        Several days later, curious friends walked through the still open front door to discover that everything was just as the Liberaces had left it: breakfast on the stove, clothes on the floor - a past life virtually abandoned for a new career.  That's self-confidence!

                   Go to to subscribe.

    "Never believe anything until it has been officially denied." - Claude Cockburn


        According to Reuters News Service, German police reported that an angry customer returned a computer he had just bought saying it was packed with small potatoes instead of computer parts. The store replaced the computer free of charge but became suspicious when he returned a short time later with another potato-filled computer casing.

        "The second time he said he didn't need a computer any more and asked for his money back in cash," a police spokesman said.

        Police are now investigating the man for fraud, says contributor Garry Margolis.

    "Your film sets off our alarm for trace explosives. What medications are you taking?" ~ Query to an elderly passenger overheard at Albuquerque Airport


        Produced by UCLA Artist-in-Residence Hal Wilner, "America's Bravest Thesbians and Troubadors" will be performing sequences from the Firesign Theatre's first four most famed recordings, with musical flourishes and onstage sound effects by Todd Rundgren, Capt. Billy's Whiz Bang and others.

        Featuring John Goodman, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Howard Hesseman, Tim Meadows and others including Brad Hall, Louis-Dreyfus' hubby. "Let's Eat --Feasting on the Firesign Theatre" is a one-time-only event on April Fool's Day at UCLA's Royce Hall in West Los Angeles. The Firesign Theatre has bestowed our blessing on this event and will attend as honored guests.

                Tickets: or Ticketmaster at 213.365.3500

        Or if you live in the Midwest, (brrrr), for a hot time, go to comic pianist Bill Larkin's "Family Funtime", Sundays through Jan. 25th at Donny's Skybox Theater, Second City, 1608 N. Wells Street, Chicago. Reservations: (312) 337-3992 or

         "The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away." ~ Tom Waits

     "Politics is not about power [or] money [or] winning for the sake of winning.Politics is about the improvement of people's lives. It's about advancing the cause of peace and justice in our country and in our world. Politics is about doing well for the people..." ~ Senator Paul Wellstone

2004 by Phil Proctor
Published January 14, 2004