Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 34

"Only logicians, activists and youth believe in the uncompromising triumph of pure facts." ~ Charles Dickens 


Sing along or I'll cap ya! These are all "Number One with a Bullet", from Bad Boy Bill Vallely via

    Frosty Da Blow Man
    Slay Ride
    Grandma Got Run Over by an Escalade
    I Saw Daddy Capping Santa's Ass, Here We Come A-Wizzassaillzzin'
    We Three Pimps
    Police Navidad
    All I Want for Christmas is My Two Gold Teeth
    Jingle Bell Glock
    Angels We Have Heard While High
    O Lil' Kim of Bethlehem
    Hood King Wenceslas
    Violent Night...

And the Number 1 top Hip Hop Holiday Song -- Whose Kid Is This, Bitch?!
(Thanks to Brad Simanek) 

          "What haven't you noticed lately?" - Media Guru Marshall McLuhan


        In a copyrighted article from the Watley Review, we have learned that fabled cartoon icon, Mickey Mouse, who recently celebrated a big birthday, is going to follow Roy E. Disney and leave the company. Below are excerpts:

        Mickey's departure comes after years of hotly contested battles with the Disney public relations machine, which has been both relentlessly marketing Mickey's image and pushing him to become "edgier" in order to broaden his appeal.  "It has gotten completely out of hand. They wanted me to start a fight outside a nightclub to bolster my "street cred,"" said Mickey.  

        Mickey has allied with ousted board member Roy Disney to call for Eisner's resignation in the past, but the pair was never able to sway a majority of the board.  "It's the bears," confessed Disney insider Ken Miradi in an anonymous interview. "They round out Eisner's majority, and they are completely in thrall to their stomachs. Eisner always brings lots of candy bars to meetings."

        Detractors also accuse him of presiding over a "brain drain" that saw top executives leave the company over the past 10 years, including former studio chief Jeffrey Katzenberg; Donald Duck, who now heads the Hilton Corp.; and most recently Goofy, who left last year to head Gap, Inc.

        "I've tried for a long time to make this work," said Mickey. "But the truth is, I haven't had a decent movie role since 1940. It's time to move on."

                        "Never smarten up a chump." ~ W .C. Fields


        The day Saddam Hussein's capture was announced, conjurer Harry Anderson called me to announce that he'd just heard that Saddam had his beard and hair shorn so he could be ready to host Saturday Night Live tonight. His punishment, he added, was that he has to do three skits with Chris Kattan. (He won't stand a chance!!)

        But Saddam apparently also called the Democratic National Committee, who responded: "Of course we'd like to see Saddam throw his robe into the ring. He'd be a natural in New Hampshire. This could revolutionize the whole primary system. Anyone who opposes Saddam would be taken out and shot."

        And erstwhile front-runner Howard Dean was quick to proclaim: "Competition is what I am all about. I welcome Mr. Hussein's entry into the field. Most people thought that his political career was over, but this just goes to show that whenever a door closes, a spider hole opens."

    "The best way to find these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people coming forth to describe the location of the hole, is to give clues and data." ~ G. W. Bush


        A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York a couple of days before the holidays and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.  Forty-five years of misery is enough."

        "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

        "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

        Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.  "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

        She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced.  Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

        The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Chanukah and paying their own way."

        "They found several pairs of Saddam's boxer shorts in the hut, and by the way, that's the closest we've come to finding weapons of mass destruction." ~David Letterman


     Plans for a two hundred foot high concrete wall to be built along the entire length of the border between the United States and Canada were unveiled yesterday at a press conference held at a soon-to-be-bisected Niagara Falls. The "Great Wall of Canada", as has been already dubbed by the Canadian press, was hailed by both governments as "a necessary step" in order to "preserve" the increasingly distancing policies of each country.

        "The longest unprotectionable -- impertectived -- er, unprotected border on the planet will finably be erectimicated," exclaimed an excited and tongue-tied George W. Bush.

        "Terrorists, cheap lumber, and that marijuana devil-weed will no longer be able to cross into our freedom-loving country. Americans love freedom. Laura loves freedom, and America. Laura thinks the wall should be called 'The Freedom Wall' and I think that is fabulous for America."

        "We don't want any of those clowns up here," commented Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, who was equally enthusiastic about the wall's go-ahead, albeit for different reasons. "How else are we to stop the mass migration north? Besides, another nice feature of the wall is the height, as it will keep the rush of water from our melting polar regions [caused primarily by U.S. policy] from flowing into the United States, which incidentally also creates a moat between them and us."

        "I expect the wall, when viewed from here on Earth or as seen from outer space, will remind future generations of the politics in North America at the turn of the Millennium," said internationally known wall expert David Dullass. "Walls are kinda symbolic that way."                 


 "Have you seen the new Talking Bush doll? It looks just like him, but it won't really talk until you buy the Cheney doll to put words in its mouth!" ~ Ed Ryba


        Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.

        While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. But still, massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping, maids a-milking and elves being the hardest hit.

        As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."

        In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher.

        All sides appeared happy about this and thepress conference closed with a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."

      "Dec. 21 is the 90th birthday of the crossword puzzle! Oreos are our official snack, since they're black and white and often used in crossword and for another reason too long  to go into." ~ Mister Puzzle Master, Merl Reagle


        Melinda and I will be heading off to Yosemite this Christmas, to participate in the fabled Bracebridge feast at the Ahwahnee lodge with her sister Carol and her husband, Jim.

A tradition established in 1927, it's a theatrical celebration that recreates an 17th century American dinner first described by Washington Irving and perpetuated by the famed photographer Ansel Adams.

        We will be in black tie and ingesting a 7-course meal which includes Butternut Squash Mulligatawny, a Mine Shaft Blue Cheese sSalad, Peacock Pie, Pistachio-crusted Beef Tenderloin and Plum Pudding with Apricot Sauce, accompanied by a flaming Wassail of mulled wine, cider vinegar and port wine flavored with multiple herbs. (For the actual recipes, go to www.//

        Then, if we survive that, we'll be joining Maryedith Burrell and Peter Bergman for New Year's in Santa Fe, New Mexico. It will be a bittersweet celebration for my Firesign partner Peter, as his dear mother, Rita, passed away of a stroke in Cleveland just a week after her 96th birthday.

        Here's to you, Rita!

        "Every calendar's days are numbered." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

     "We're standing on the threshold of a liberating and exhilarating world in which the human tribe can become truly one family and man's consciousness can be freed from the shackles of mechanical culture and enabled to roam the universe." ~ Marshall McLuhan

2003 by Phil Proctor
Published DECEMBER 21