Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 32

 "The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter; they are an entire banquet." ~ Mark Twain


        As most of you probably know by now, I try to slip a little misteak into each orbit just to see how many of you are really reading the damn thing; and many of my eagle-eyed subscribers caught the fact that I wrote "feet" instead of "inches" in the Phunny Phact about 2x4s.  

        As Sam Longoria so politely put it: "As a compulsive house builder and rehabber, (and proud to have the "rehab" in the actor, rather than the other way around), I am compelled to correct your measurement of 2x4s. What you have described is an 18" x 42" wooden cube, a useful if unwieldy implement, and a delightful mental image, but I don't think that's what you meant to convey." And voice artist David Prince added, "You must be used to measuring your little general."

        Meanwhile, wag Steven Allen Green forwarded this from his contractor friend, Kevin Crites: "RE: Phil's Phucked up Phacts: A 2 x 4 is really 1.5 INCHES by 3.5 INCHES. Hence the term 'nominal lumber', meaning by name only. Also, lumber dimensions are sometimes called out on engineering plans as 'actual' or 'TYP' meaning typical."

        Thanks, now I'm RE:ALLY confused...

   "Writing is not a profession, but a vocation of unhappiness." ~ Canadian Novelist Robertson Davies


        Jane had three sons, all conceived and born the natural way, but when one of them needed a kidney transplant, Jane was shocked to learn that she was not biologically related to her own child; and further tests proved that to be true for two of her three sons, as if Jane had actually birthed another woman's children.

        A study published in the New England Journal of Medicine concluded that Jane's mother had initially conceived two non-identical twin sisters but their cells were intermingled in the womb, so instead of being born as separate entities, Jane is a mixture of these two individuals fused into a single body -- a "chimera", of which 30 instances are recognized worldwide.

        So, though cells from one sibling dominate in Jane's blood, in some tissues including her ovaries, both twins' cells exist conjointly. Thus two of her three sons have the genetics of their mother's fraternal twin.

        Jane gave birth to her unborn twin sister's children.  

    "Sex is good. It's always very, very good. And violence is bad, very, very bad," ~ Actor Wlliam H. Macy on movie morals


        Would taste as sweet! The European Union is trying to restrict the usage of common wine appellations in the ongoing negotiations for a new wine trade agreement.  Among the trademarks in contention are:

        "Burgandy, Claret, Chablis, Champagne, Chianti, Madeira, Moselle, Marsala, Rhine, Sauterne, Sherry, Tokay and Port."  

        Well, the hell with 'em, I say and like "Freedom Toast" I propose the following all-American nomenclature:

        "Buggery, Clearance, Sheer Bliss, Champion, Keanu, Mad As Hell, Mo' Sale, More Sell-a, Whine, Sour Turn, Okay and Fort!"  Bottoms up!

      "By slashing taxes while he increases spending, Bush is governing as if he is in the Matrix, where the laws of gravity don't apply." ~ Ronald Brownstein


        Dear Diary, Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately."  Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in.  The cake turned out fine.

        Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night.  Did they ever look startled when I served that salad!

        Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice."  So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. (Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week.  I can't say it improved the rice any.)

                Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over my mom's garden, tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce, and stood there one hour so the dog would not take it.  Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. (I wonder why?)

        Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it."  Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

        Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday, but I found a doll's dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute.  When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

        Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger.  So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast.  Must be a bad oven,        because it still came out hamburger.

        Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.

        (Attribution unknown, or is this excerpted from the reality show now running on MTV???)

           "I'm calm as a Belgian." ~ Besieged Lithuanian President Rolandas Paksas


        It was just revealed in the magazine "Analytical Chemistry" (gift subscriptions available for the holidays) that the so-called Vinland map dated from the early to mid-1400s showing the northeastern coast of North America, is written in ink that supports its authenticity. So now we have to teach our children: "Before fourteen-hundred and ninety-two, Leif Eriksson sailed the ocean blue..." Bill Vallely sent me an Associated Press release noting that U.S. Border agents last week seized 81 rolls of Mexican bologna from an extended cab pickup rolling into El Paso, Texas.  Seems a bunch of kids were perched on a blanket-shrouded rear seat that turned out to be 756 pounds of bologna. "Who knows how long these products have gone without refrigeration or without proper handling?" said customs spokesman Roger Maier, adding that the molded meat seat could sell for $5 to $10 a roll. Butt nobody wants it now...

        P. Pettersen says a study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features; and if she is menstruating, or in menopause, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he's on fire. Further studies are expected.

        And I think it's news when Democrat Presidential hopeful Rev. Al Sharpton says something brilliant, as he did recently in a New York sermon, observing that when Ray Charles sang "America the Beautiful" he'd "never seen no purple mountain majesties. Ray has never seen no fruited plain...Ray is blind.  Ray was singing what he believed...We can make America beautiful.  If we try."

              "Men live to be deceived." ~ David Mamet in "Boston Marriage."


        "I believe in the United States of America as a government of the people, by the people, for the people; whose just powers are derived from the consent of the governed; a democracy in a republic; a sovereign Nation of many sovereign States; a perfect union; one and inseparable; established upon those principles of freedom, equality, justice and humanity for which American patriots sacrificed their lives and fortunes. I therefore believe it is my duty to my country to love it, to support its Constitution, to obey its laws, to respect its flag, and to defend it against all enemies."

        This American Creed by William Tyler Page was selected from over 3,000 entries in a national composition competition in 1917 and adopted by the US House of Representatives the following year. I found it in "Schott's Original Miscellany" by Ben Schott, R.R. Donnelley & Sons, Publisher.

   "The Bush administration wants to care for children from conception through birth.  After that, they are on their own!"~ From David Honneus    


        On a diner's billboard: "Eat here or we'll both starve." At a dry cleaner's, "Drop your pants here." On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts." Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."

        A bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop." On an obstetric delivery room door: "Push, Push, Push." At a veterinarian's, "Be back in 5 minutes -- Sit! Stay!" In a podiatrist's window, "Time wounds all heels." Outside a hotel, "Help! We need inn-experienced people." On a music teacher's door, "Out Chopin. Bach in a minuet."

        In a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a scientist's door: "Gone Fission." An Optometrist's, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you're in the right place."  And at a computer store -- "Out for a quick byte.

   "It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information." ~ Oscar Wilde


        Director Michael Haney dared to tell me that when Mary Poppins got a job as an au pair in Bel Air, she discovered two things. The first was that her employer came home occasionally with atrociously bad breath. The second was that she always had a queasy feeling before he walked in the door.

        Turns out, Mary Poppins was a "supercaliforniamysticexperthalitosis!"

      "All these Indian Casinos are Montezuma's other revenge." ~ Missangel


        This Wednesday, December 3rd at 8pm there's a free screening of Proctor & Bergman's 1979 cult classic "J-Men Forever" in Venice at Gerry Fialka's 50-seat Sponto Gallery off Rose. In a rave L.A. Times "Screening Room" review last Thursday, Kevin Thomas called it "affectionate and hilarious...a wacky and inspired compilation of clips from Republic serials accompanied by their own dialogue...Bergman plays the chief of the J-Men and Proctor his key agent in scenes that match the vintage footage to perfection." If you miss the screening and our special live appearance, you can get a DVD at

        Also, on December 14/15, come see the Antaeus Classical Theatre Ensemble 50-minute adaptation of the 1939 musical "Of Thee I Sing", directed by Maryedith Burrell, musical direction, Jan Powell. Two shows each night!

        Tickets are $35, which includes one child's free admission, drinks, dinner and a raffle ticket. Call for times and reservations - (818) 506-5436.

     "Slang is a language that rolls up its sleeves, spits on its hands, and goes to work." ~  Poet Carl Sandburg


"A man does what he can until his destiny is revealed." ~ The Last Samurai

2003 by Phil Proctor
Published DECEMBER 1, 2003