Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 31

"Amish are not afraid of Polyester." ~ Costumer Anne Roth 


              Our Studios who art in California,
              Hollywood be thy name.
              The scripts may come, but they'll be dumb,
              In L.A. as in Manhattan.
              Show us each day our daily reel,
              And forgive us our reruns,
              As we forgive those
              Who screen colorized pictures before us.
              And cast us not as leads in sitcoms,
              But deliver us from Japanese commercials.
              For I am a star of the screen,
              For ever,
                      And ever.

                  Oh, man...

"All people are cremated equal." ~ Radio Star Jane Goodman from SPERDVAC


        On Wednesday at 8pm on December 3rd, there will be an unprecedented screening of Proctor & Bergman's 1979 cult classic "J-Men Forever" at Gerry Fialka's "7 Dudley Cinema" at 7 Dudley Avenue, one block South of Rose in Venice. The space seats 50 and admission is free, so come early. Pete and I will be there to field questions after the showing, and we're told that L.A. Times film critic, Kevin Thomas, will be writing favorably about the flick in a column this week.

In an earlier online review it's described by "Clay N. Ferno" as a "wonderfully funny romp" constructed from overdubbed and reedited Republic serial movies where "the J-Men head the top secret homeland security force that gives new meaning to 'Let's Roll!'"  

Your own lovingly re-mastered DVD copy with special stupid interviews is available now at

       "Whoever wants power wants trouble. Whoever has power has trouble, and trouble isn't funny." ~ Milton Mayer in "Dear Friends" by The Firesign Theatre


Greetings, sir.

I got your e-mail address from a very confidential source -- the Internet. I am the prince, minister and Grand Poo-ba of one of many foreign nations that you stupid Americans have never heard of. There is a billion, kazillion dollars in an account here that rightfully belongs to my family and my people.

Due to some horrid-bloody military coup in which my entire family, several accountants and various goats lost their lives, I cannot reach this money. But you, an American who has never heard of my country, can march right into the corner branch of God-Forsaken-War-Torn-East-of-Nowhere-Africa and deposit this money right into your fat American bank account.

For your trouble, I'll give you a few million off the top -- because what's a few million between confidential best friends who have never actually even heard of one another?

Humbly, Suleyman Bunga-Bunga (AKA R.W. Reynolds)

      "You have zero privacy anyway. Get over it." ~ Sun Microsysytems CEO Scott McNealy


In the Old Testament, as in many religious writings worldwide, there are inferences that life as we know it comes from common clay, such as the Book of Genesis 3:19 which says,  "You are dust, and to dust you shall return."

Well, guess what? Research from the Howard Hughes Medical Institute and Massachusetts General Hospital published in the journal "Science" have shown that materials in clay seem indeed to be crucial to initial processes in the formation of life.

The essential material is a clay mixture called montmorillonite that helps form vesicles, little bags of fat and liquid and also helps cells use the genetic material RNA created from building blocks called nucleotides.

"Not only can clay and other mineral surfaces accelerate vesicle assembly," state the scientists, but assuming that some clay ends up inside, the RNA can invade vesicles, meaning that "the formation, growth, and division of the earliest cells may have occurred in response to similar interactions."

        Thus, sayeth the Book of Proctor, life in primitive Eden may have started without any preexisting biochemical machinery.

        And that's the latest dirt…

           "A 2X4 is really 1-1/2 inches by 3-1/2 inches." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        A recent scan of Garage Band monikers in the L.A. Weekly garnered these hot acts now playing at local clubs.  

 Liquor Giants, Toys That Kill, Kill Baby Kill, Kill Me Tomorrow, ZE Auto Parts, Bang Sugar Bang, Nudist Priest, and Ruin The Ending.

Also, don't miss: I See Hawks in L.A., The Dying Californian, We're All Broken, Giant Drag, Midnight Movies, Angry Amputees, Drums & Tuba, Captured! By Robots, Biblical Proof of UFOs, TV on the Radio, Shagadelic Misfits, No Way, Jose, and The Nothings.

Bring earplugs and prepare to have your tires rotated and your oil changed.

    "Korean cell-phone/camera makers Samsung and LG Electronics, have banned use of their own product at their facilities." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


Police in Madrid, Spain, fined a man $70 for talking on a cellphone while operating a moving vehicle -- but he was only scratching his ear. So, they charged him for driving while "holding his ear with his right hand in a permanent fashion."  (I'm sure it sounds better in Spanish with a lisp.)  

The perpetrator, attorney Tomas Valdivielso, is appealing stating that the citation "failed to say which ear was held", or even "how many ears" he has.

   "A rough whimper of insanity" ~ Information Superhighway anagram


Two Arabs are chatting. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures.

         "Here's my oldest son. He's a martyr.  And here's my second son. He's a martyr too." After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says,

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

"All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma. All our dipsticks are in Washington, D.C." ~ J. W. Reynolds


        Walmart has announced an investment in their own brand of wines, to be provided by E & J Gallo Winery in Modesto for $2 to $5 a bottle.

        The "Public Eye" column in the San Diego Union published the top ten list of potential labels:          

Chateau Trailer Park, White Trashfindel, Big Red Gulp, NASCARbernet, Chef Boyardeaux, Chateau Des Moines, Nasti Spumanti and…I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar.

     "Here's to the first drop - the one that destroys you.  There's no harm at all in the next." ~ An Irish Toast


        Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to windy weather, decided to fold her umbrella and rest at a hotel for the night. Feeling a bit peckish, she asked the receptionist if the restaurant was still open.

        "Sorry, no," he responded, "but room service is available all night." And he gave Mary a menu to peruse.

        "I'll have the Cauliflower with Cheese," she said,  "and a couple of poached eggs."

The next morning Mary popped down early to check out. The night manager was still at the desk and asked if the food was to her liking.

        "Well, I have to say the Cauliflower with Cheese was exceptional," replied Mary," but the eggs were overcooked and rather hard."

        "I'm sorry to hear that," said the receptionist. "We aim to please, so perhaps you should write your opinion in our Guest Comments Book."

        "OK, I will!" replied Ms. Poppins. Then waving goodbye, she left the curious receptionist to read what she'd just written...


   "Ask not what we can do for our children and grandchildren, but ask what they can do for us," ~ California Treasurer Phil Angelides

XMAS COMES EARLY  least on my planet, as the Antaeus Classical Theatre Ensemble is preparing once more for its annual Holiday benefit, a concert performance of John Apicella's 50-minute adaptation of the 1939 political musical romp "Of Thee I Sing", book by George S. Kaufman and Morie Ryskind, music and lyrics by the Gershwins, directed by Maryedith Burrell, musical direction, Jan Powell.

        The shows will be at 4 and 6:30 on Sunday, December 14 and 6 and 8:30 on Monday the 15th.  Dinners will be served and there'll be quaffing, carousing and caroling galore.  

        Tickets are $35, which includes one child's free admission and a raffle ticket for a chance to win a trip to Japan among other goodies.

        Call NOW for reservations at 818.506-5436. Ho, ho, ho...

     "This Sign Wasn't Here Yesterday" ~ Sign held up in the crowd at the Today Show, today on NBC-TV


What's your Blues name? From the first list, take the moniker using the initial of your first name, from the second, do the same with your middle initial, and from the third, get your surname.  Then, sing.

First: A=Fat; B=Muddy; C=Crippled; D=Old; E=Texas; F=Hollerin'; G=Ugly; H=Brown; I=Happy; J=Boney; K=Curly; L=Pretty; M=Jailhouse; N=Peg Leg; O=Red;  P=Sleepy; Q=Bald; R=Skinny; S=Blind; T=Big; U=Yella; V=Toothless; W=Screamin'; X=Fat Boy; Y=Washboard; Z=Steel-Eye

Second: A=Bones; B=Money; C=Harp; D=Legs; E=Eyes; F=Lemon; G=Killer; H=Hips; I=Lips; J=Fingers; K=Boy; L=Liver; M=Gumbo; N=Foot; O=Mama; P=Back; Q=Duke; R=Dog; S=Bad Boy; T=Baby; U=Chicken; V=Pickles; W=Sugar; X=Cracker; Y=Tooth; Z=Smoke

Third: A=Jackson; B=McGee; C=Hopkins; D=Dupree; E=Green; F=Brown; G=Jones; H=Rivers; I=Malone; J=Washington; K=Smith; L=Parker; M=Lee; N=Thompkins; O=King; P=Bradley; Q=Hawkins; R=Jefferson; S=Davis; T=Franklin; U=White; V=Jenkins; W=Bailey; X=Johnson; Y=Blue; Z=Allison

     "If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free." ~ P. J. O'Rourke


        JFK had spoken at the graduation ceremony for my class at Yale in '62 and the day he was shot, I was recovering from a hangover in Greenwich Village with my friend, Steve Katcher.  We were eating a very late breakfast at the counter of a local place when the piped-in music was interrupted, and this is what I swear I heard:

        "We interrupt this program with a bulletin just in from Dallas, Texas.  Firecrackers have been thrown at the Presidential motorcade and President Kennedy has been cut by broken glass.  According to one policemen, "He is dead.'"

        Naturally, I made a commotion since as usual I seemed to be the only one to have heard this, and I quickly returned home to watch the horrible events of that day unfold.

        Where were you?  On the grassy knoll. Perhaps?

"Doing evil is an attempt to transform the terrible passivity and helplessness of suffering into activity." ~ From "What Evil Means to Us" by C. Fred Alford





YIKES! Stone: Worster Album Covers Ever II

"Why can't Episcopalians play chess? Because they can't tell a bishop from a queen!" ~ Bill Benzel

  "Nowhere in the universe do superior results come out of average behaviors." ~ Rev. David Walker, Science of Mind Church

© 2003 by Phil Proctor
Published NOVEMBER 24, 2003