Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 30
YOU'RE IN THE ARMY -- OW!
The following is advice from various U.S. Army Journals and instruction manuals:
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. Five-second fuses only last three seconds. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. Any ship can be a minesweeper...once. "Aim towards the Enemy" (printed on a Rocket Launcher).
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush. If the enemy is in range, so are you. Tracers work both ways.
And lastly..."If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
"The vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice."~ G.W. Bush, October 27
FUNNY AS S -- T?
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station and tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly; so she says, "What's the story?"
"Just crap in the carburetor," he replies.
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
"Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner." ~ James Bovard
JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS
The 12 Rules of Life...
1. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
2. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
4. Everybody seems normal until you get to know him or her.
5. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You've got another chance.
6. If someone says that you are too good for him or her - believe it.
7. Pick your battles; will this matter a year from now? A month? A week? A day?
8. When you make a mistake, fess up immediately. Crow tastes better warm.
9. The most essential words for a healthy relationship are "I apologize" and "You're right."
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
11. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you. Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved; many die even before they retire.
12. And finally...Be good to family and friends. You'll need them to empty your bedpan.
"Impotence is Nature's way of saying - 'No hard feelings!'" ~ Bumper Stinker
PRAY FOR GAY
"The consecration of Gene Robinson as bishop of the New Hampshire Diocese of the Episcopal Church is an affront to Christians everywhere," says Paul Emmons of West Chester University.
"I am just thankful that the church's founder, Henry VIII, and his wife Catherine of Aragon, and his wife Anne Boleyn, and his wife Jane Seymour, and his wife Anne of Cleves, and his wife Katherine Howard, and his wife Catherine Parr are no longer here to suffer through this assault on traditional Christian marriage."
"Mommy Dearest meets Daddy Dufus." ~ Description of cancelled Reagan Miniseries
MOUTHS OF BABES
A true story from Leslie Anderson:A friend's mother had just passed away and the friend took her four-year old son to the funeral home for the viewing. He saw the room all decorated with flowers and shyly asked, "Is this heaven?"
His mother said no.
He pointed at his grandma's casket and asked, "Then what's SHE doing here?"
"If the Chinese can send out a taikonaut, will the Mexicans send a TacoNaut?" ~ Michael F. Hollander
They just keep coming! More snappy descriptions from recent voice-over audition copy: This tough career Army man "has refused every promotion offered him, saying in his dry old-world South-American accent: 'Leave mah boys? Nevah!'" (Carumba!)
These alien characters' voices will be heavily filtered..."Voices like that of actor Andeas Katsulas would probably work well." (Oh, good, thanks, I do a perfect Katsulas voice-match.)
"Loosly (sic), [they] speak an abrupt English, skipping words here and there. They roll their 'Rs' and have a dialect resembling Russian (mixed with Hungarian). They usually drag out their 'As' and pronounce them 'Ahh.'"
"Description: Age: 247, Class: Aurelian, Attitude: Mentor, Height: 7' 10", Size: Large, Weight: 357." Ready when you are, C. B.
"I knew I was the front-runner because I keep picking buckshot out of my rear end all the time." ~ Democrat Candidate Howard Dean
BUT NO THANKS...
The Jones Soda Company in Seattle, Washington is marketing a new flavor just in time for Thanksgiving -- Turkey and Gravy. It's sugar-free and calorie-free and can be served hot or cold! Yes. Hot soda. What they were drinking when they came up with this?
Now, the article I read notes that the soda is only being test-marketed in Washington and Michigan. "Which leads us to ask this pressing question: What is it about the residents of Washington and Michigan that makes Jones Soda think they want to drink their turkey instead of carve it?"
"Swedes are working on a process where a deceased person is freeze-dried, placed in a bio-degradable corn-starch coffin and composted." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts
FEELING A LITTLE STIFF
Six British schoolboys were recently admitted to a London hospital after ingesting Viagra brought from home on a dare during their lunch period. The Sun newspaper quoted a source at the school as commenting: "By the time the afternoon lessons began, there was no hiding what they had done."
"The penis patch is amazing!" ~ Spam Header
DON'T CROSS CHRIST?
It's probably just a bizarre random occurrence and not a message from God, but... the AP reported that Jim Caviezel, "Jesus" in Mel Gibson's upcoming movie "The Passion of Christ," was struck by lightning during filming in a thunderstorm on a remote hilltop outside of Rome, as was assistant director Jan Michelini, carrying an umbrella.
"I'm about a hundred feet away from them," says producer Steve McEveety "when I glance over and see lightning coming out of Caviezel's ears. The main bolt hit Caviezel, and one of its forks hit Michelini's umbrella." Neither of the men was seriously injured.
For Michelini, who earned the sobriquet (or briquette) "Lightning Boy", when he was struck earlier atop a hill in the town of Matera, lightning had indeed struck twice!
The film, which depicts the final days of Jesus, has "drawn fire" from Jewish leaders as it implies that the Jewish Priesthood was partly responsible for Jesus' death.
On the other hand, conservative Christians who have experienced this "Passion" insist it is an "electrifying" and "shocking" depiction of the Crucifixion.
"Is anyone else aware that 'Rush Limbaugh' deconstructs to 'B.S. Humbug Liar'?" ~ Dave Taylor
SOME THINGS FISHY
A man got into trouble after capering around Provincetown dressed as "Provincetown's first gay lobster". Mark Ceria announced that he's been dressing as the crustacean since June, posing for pictures in exchange for money "to support my art."
"People love me," Mr. Lobster said in Orleans District Court when facing charges of pot possession when marijuana was allegedly found on him when arrested for stealing a rental car. He claimed that while dressed as the lobster he was taking the weed to an ailing AIDS patient and plans to retire his alter ego by Thanksgiving, vowing that those who would crack down on him will "eat their words."
"The whole town has opened their arms to me like a superhero," he added. (Or their mouths, like a super snack?)
And by the way, did you know that British and Canadian researchers now believe that herring communicate with each other by farting? The sounds could be "for social purposes" or merely "incidental effects of bouyancy changes in the fish."
Or they could just be really pickled.
"Try not to let your mind wander. It's too small and fragile to be out by itself." ~ Stumper Bicker
THE SHOW MUST GO ON
We were all horribly shocked to learn of the mysterious death of a brilliant young actress and collegue, Kellie Waymire, found by her boyfriend Gary on the floor of her apartment last Thursday eve. Having finished the run of "Romeo & Juliet" the week before (and thanks to all of you who saw us or made an effort to do so), we were going to see her in the last weekend of the much lauded "Kate Crackernuts" by Sheila Callaghan, directed by Jessica Kubzansky at the 24th Street Theatre, and were heartened instead to see the brilliant show with her understudy, Ryan Templeton and the rest of the dedicated and courageous cast.
Executive Producer Jay McAdams says, "Much of the show's success is due to Kellie's genius. We simply could not have created this kooky world without Kellie's inspired work and professionalism and leadership...We cried and held each other and told stories and drank blue champagne and gave Kellie the standing ovation she so deserves."
We worked with Kellie in the award-winning Antaeus production of Arthur Miller's "The Man Who Had All the Luck" several years ago, and many of you may have seen her as a lady-of-the-night in episodes of last years "Six Feet Under." What a loss.
We also saw dear John Ritter's mom, Dorothy, ride off into the sunset, long after he had corrected a false report of her passing which showed up in a London paper back in 2001. Turns out someone at the Motion Picture and Television Fund retirement home in Woodland Hills had mentioned that "she had gone," and indeed she had - to another room.
And finally, a tribute to Art Carney from Richard Stehr in an L.A. Times letter:
"Art Carney's no longer alive,
He's passed on at age 85.
But his death will not shorten
The life of Ed Norton.
In reruns he'll always survive."
"According to Clinique spokespersons, the beautification of Mother Teresa will take several months." ~ William Johnson
SEEK AND YE SHALL FIND
"America is not exceptional because it is powerful, it's powerful because it's exceptional." ~ The New Economist