Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 29

"I hope the developer was joking when he named my street Mountain Ash Court." ~ Rancho Cucamonga resident, Coleen Ford 

MY TIME OF THE MONTH

        Ah, November -- month of Sadie Hawkins Day (today!), Plan-Your-Epitaph Day (2nd), National Men-Make-Dinner-Day (6th), Cook-Something-Bold-and-Pungent Day(8th), Mickey Mouse's 75th Birthday (18th) and Married-to-a-Scorpio Support Day (the same day!)


         "A rough whimper of insanity" ~ Information Superhighway anagram


SCARY OFFERS!!!

        "Romeo & Juliet/1836" is in its last weeks at the beautiful Boston Court in Pasedena which incidentally will be profiled by entertainment guru George Pinacheo on ABC-TV tomorrow morning between 9 and 9:30.

        Please come see us before it's just a memory. Discounts for SAG/AFTRA?AEA members, of course. Reservations at www.bostoncourt.com

        I saw Edie McClurg's first one woman show, "It's Edie in Here" and want to recommend it (especially as it doesn't conflict with ours!) It's an hilarious and often moving reflection of her life from her mid-western beginnings to Hollywood. She's showing her roots every Monday and Tuesday evening through November 25th at the Groundlings Theatre in Hollywood.  

        Call for tickets at 323-934-4747


    "He didn't like being photographed in front of another boob." ~ Al Franken on Ashcroft's draping of 'the "Spirit of Justice"


MARRIED BLITZ

        Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

        "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven! O'clock every night -- whether you're here or not."

        Another married man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six " in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of six?'" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

        After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their anniversary. The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"

        "Yeah?" she replied. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'


   "The most frequent form of married couples sexual union is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs; the wife rolls over and plays dead." ~ Milton Berle  


SPEAK UP

        More wonderful voice-over directions from recent copy: "Read this like Daniel Day Lewis in 'Gangs of New York' but with a slight German accent." Or, "I love James Whitmore's voice (the librarian from 'Shawshank Redemption' who hung himself) He'd be cool." And...

        "This is the voice that will take us on a journey.  Around the world. It's a big story but a very personal journey.  It should be male but not old, but with enough gravitas to be credible.  

        "A voice you can't argue with because it's been there like Jeff Bridges or Sam Shepard.  A voice you can't argue with because it possesses an unsurpassed knowledge of the subject like David McCollough.

        "A voice that has something extra to it. An interesting quality that contributes to its storytelling nature like Morgan Freeman or Lawrence Fishburne. A voice that some might think (even without realizing it) 'gee, what an inspired choice for a voiceover.'"

        Too bad dear "Rod" (Come on down!) Roddy just passed away. He would've been perfect!


   "They don't have a street corner where all the kids can hang out. Inside the computer is their street corner." ~ Parent Rebecca Boucher on Packer School's new wireless program


HITS THE SPOT

        For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion but the Indian Embassy in Washington has just revealed the true story and planeteer Ira Meyer. Passes it on:

        When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in Florida.


   "I'm married for 17 years and I have two children. I guess I breed well in captivity." ~ Roseanne Barr

READ ALL ABOUT IT!

        The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.  The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

        USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog statistics shown in pie charts.  The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

        The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.  The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

        The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy.  

        The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at a grocery store.  

(Attribution unknown)


      The latest product to help you wake up in the morning is a caffeinated soap  called Shower Shock, equivalent  to two cups of coffee. ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


LOOK FOR SNOW

        While Tommy Chong continues his tango lessons behind bars and others sit in bars and toss 'em back, a five-year-old girl at a primary school in Darwin's northern suburbs shocked teachers when she showed her class how to make a bong out of a Coke bottle during a ``show and tell'' session.

        Another 7th-grade math class in San Dimas assigned a "drug habit" to students and asked them to calculate how much they'd need and what it would cost to maintain it.  The teacher claimed the project is part of the school's annual anti-drug campaign and is designed to show pupils with dilated eyes how expensive such a jones can be.

        And finally, customs agents at Rome's Fiumicino airport seized a nativity scene made out of pure cocaine with an estimated street value of almost $3 million. The three-kilogram parcel aroused suspicions because it had been sent from Peru. All the figures in the traditional scene had been fashioned from the drug.  What, no Frankinsense?


               "Jesus was Homeless" ~ Written on the back of a mobile home, West L. A.


CHRI$TMA$!

        A Teacher was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. First, she called on young Patrick Murphy.

        "Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked. Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings.

Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

        "Well, M'am, me and my sister also go to Church with Mom and Dad, and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents. " Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac, what do you do at Christmas?"

        "Well, it's the same thing every year," said the young man. "Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."


         "How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it. ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


TO A FALLEN STAR...

Glistening as the

oceanic planet below,

perfect orb,

precisely saline

as its mother's sea:

a tear in zero-G.

(From a poem on the Columbia tragedy by Vanna Bonta)


 "There is no such thing as an omen. Destiny does not send us heralds. She is too wise or too cruel for that." - Oscar Wilde


IT IS A TUMOR!

         Operation California's Charles Moed sent me an announcement about Army Lt. Gen. John R. Vines, commander of the 8,000 U.S. troops in Afghanistan who stepped down earlier this month because a recent physical exam found a tumor and the three-star general must have treated, so he wrote this note to his troops:

         "The initial diagnosis is that I will be sore for a few weeks and return to full duty, so reports of my demise are premature. Do not therefore ask for my sheath, knife or truck. We have incredible soldiers and airmen daily confronting some of the most evil people on the planet. They are an inspiration to me, and to flinch at a few mutant cells in the face of their courage would be cowardice.

         "We will press the fight until the hour I depart...because, in the words of a leaf-eating nongovernmental organization representative, 'There are still a lot of people who need to be killed.' "Remain focused, " signed -- "Vines, Warlord 6, Afghanistan." When Moed's latest trip to Baghdad to supply medical supplies was featured on "Nightline", Charles said,  

        "I think Iraq is going to be a heartbreaker...and until we get Saddam Hussein, I think there will be passion among his supporters to keep the fight going. And I'm very concerned that we will be there three years from now."


                SHEER GENIUS! http://www.truthout.org/docs_03/092303D.shtml

                SACRE BLEU! http://www.insults.net


PLANET PROCTOR
2003 by Phil Proctor
Published NOVEMBER 1, 2003