Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 27

 "He looks like a condom stuffed with walnuts." ~ Molly Ivans on Gov-erect Arnold


        Dear Punchy: It is very hard for me to write this letter to you today.  We've been through so much together over the years.  I started seeing you when I was just eighteen and you were my first time.  Back then it was all so new and exciting.  I knew you were always there for me, even if we only met once or twice a year.  I'll always remember how satisfying it was to hold you. Yes, I'll admit it: I used you, but then, you were made to be used, weren't you?

        Let's face it though, you've become unreliable. Then there was that affair in Florida you had with Chad. He just kept hanging on and wouldn't let go.

        Well, that's history now and we can't change it, so let's not have any regrets, OK?  We have one more date on October 7th if you recall, and then we'll call it quits.  What more can I say?  Times have changed Punchy, and I'll be sad to see you go but frankly I crave something new. This touch screen and optical technology excites me in ways you never could.

        Goodbye Punch-card Voting Machine, I'll miss you -- Martin Ganapoler

  "The child is in me still. And sometimes not so still." ~ From "The World According to Mr. Rogers"


        From real notes, spelling and all. written by parents in a Mississippi school district --

        Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

        John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre - xxx - dyrea - xxx - direathe -- the runs. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

        Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.  Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought It was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

        Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

        Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night, and that's not happened before.

        Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault

  "Today is a wonderful, beautiful day for a revolution! A great day for a coup! A great day to overthrow the government!" ~ The John & Ken Show, KFI


        Jan Cobler tells us of an atheist taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

        As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in. Blinded by tears and wild with fear, he tripped and fell on the ground only to sense the bear right on top of him, raising his right paw to strike.

        At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:

        "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a Believer?"

        The atheist looked directly into the light -- "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Believer now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Believer?"

        "Very well," said the voice. The light went out, the river ran again and the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

        "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

  "What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?" ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        A young mountaineer called Vic

                Became quite close friends with a stick.

                        He took it for walks, and they had little talks,

Then it left him to live with a brick.  

      From Michael Palin's Limericks, Red Fox books

   "The good Lord lets us grow old for a reason: to gain the wisdom to find fault with everything he's made. ~ Homer Simson's dad, Abe


        Jeff Martinek forwarded this important warning....

        Dear internet friend: Help! Hong Kong police use Brain Voice Read/Write Machine Murder Hong Kong people! The devil machine made in England, the Hong Kong police now use, install the police communication network, 24 hours murders Hong Kong people, this murder defeat, exposes the Hong Kong police terrorist organization. By the 2001-1-1~2003-10-1 33 months, murders by the police knew that:

        1. installs the small machine to be in Hong Kong people head --installs is extremely easy, not to have the voice to be troublesome, the victim did not feel.

        2. Input/output voice -- input/output the voice extremely clearly, in this mountain, this sewer, this elevator, the input - output voice is extremely clear, does not use the dry battery.

        3. Murders Hong Kong people -- terrorists is the Hong Kong police up to 50, murders many Hong Kong people for up to 2 years.

        Brain Voice Read/Write Machine photo:

   "Hitler was my first hero, but as soon as I came to my senses, my hero became John F. Kennedy." ~  Arnold interview edited from "Pumping Iron"


        1.You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

        2.You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

        3.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

        4.You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.

        5.Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

        6.When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner

        7.When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

        8.You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

       10.You learn about your lay-off on the 10 o'clock news.

       11.Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

       12.Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

       13.You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

       14.As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".

       15.You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes.

       16.You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.

       17.You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.

                         From (Achtung, baby)

    "I do not miss TV. I would never go back. I'd have to do my hair." ~ Ex-news anchor Paul Miller


        In 1977, a young Austrian muscleman named Arnold lifted my Norwegian wife, Barbro Semmingsen, out of our friend artist manager Larry Kubik's pool down the street here where I still reside, with one hand!  We had lunch afterwards and he was a perfect, but "pumped up" gentleman.

        Our daughter, Kristin, who wasn't even an idea then, just got her first guest-starring role of "Cassie" in John Larroquette's new series "Happy Family" which will tape next Tuesday at CBS Radford (where I just wrapped "Big Brother 4"). She's been here a little over three weeks and already has a new car, a new Beverly Hills apartment and now - a job! Proud, pumped-up papa?  You bet!

        The L.A. Weekly dedicated a full page to "Romeo & Juliet/New Orleans" in last week's issue, in which reviewer Steven Mikulan wrote: "Part of this show's joy is watching just how [director Michael] Michetti makes Shakespeare's Veronese potboiler simmer with a Cajun flavor."

        He says the production is "a wrought-iron blend of Shakespeare and Anne Rice," performed by a "rock solid" cast, which "simply burns up the memory of Peter Hall's R&J that ran at the Ahmanson Theatre in 2001 and sweeps away the ashes."

        DON'T WAIT! Come see us before we close on November 9th and join in the standing ovations! Tickets: or (626) 683-6883

     "You know, California has had enough gray and brown. We deserve Angelyne pink and blond." ~ Failed candidate's missionary position statement


        So your friends all say you have a great voice. Wanna be a voice-over artist like me? Try wrapping your head around these two challenging character descriptions for an upcoming CD-Rom game.

        "PINK: A younger version of Dennis Farina. He's a bad storyteller who loves to tell stories and to be the center of attention. Note: Despite his name he is open ethnically. Would be open to European/Russian/Middle-Eastern backgrounds - but not interested in having the accent put on, rather interested in hearing unusual authentic unique people who would be found in a high security prison."

        Or maybe you'd like to read for the part of:

       "A modern day Shaman who sees visions - he has the edge, fiery conviction, and compelling presence of a Southern Baptist preacher; the oblique, mystic, removed holistic deep thought of Gandhi; and the scientific, complex, logical, modernism of Einstein. (Note: the voice is not necessarily Southern, Indian, or German but rather has the essence of the above three sensibilities.)"

                        Please slate yourself and proceed...

     "Make 'em laugh, make 'em cry, what more is there?"` Late musical comedy star Donald O'Connor

2003 by Phil Proctor
Published OCTOBER 9, 2003