Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 24

 THAT'S JUST DUCKY

        Being thrown from a container ship, drifting for more than a decade, bobbing through three oceans - it's enough to turn a rubber duckie white. A floating flock of the bathtub toys, bleached and battered from a trans-Arctic journey, is believed to have washed ashore somewhere along the New England coast.

        The toys, including beavers, turtles and frogs, have been adrift since 29,000 of them fell from a storm-tossed container ship en route from China to Seattle more than 11 years ago.They have been a useful tool in teaching oceanography and have shed light on the way surface currents behave.

        But the toys also are a sobering reminder that about 10,000 containers fall off cargo ships each year, creating all manner of flotsam and jetsam. Robincam

   "There are 2 kinds of people who own wooden boats; crazy people with a lot of money and crazy people without any money."~ Oxnard Shipwright Doug Shumpert, L. A. Times

IRISH ON THE ROCKS

        A ship carrying the cast and crew of Ireland's newest reality series "Cabin Fever," went belly up onto some rocks forcing all hands to abandon show!

        It had set sail from Dublin on June 3 and was due to circle the Island state for nine weeks until only one of the 5 men and 5 woman chosen from 6,724 applicants, remained on the 90-foot two-masted schooner and claimed the 100 euro prize --- a cool $117,000.

        A live episode had just been aired where the first contestant was made to "walk the plank", but it appeared uncertain in the article I read whether te game would continue.

        The accident was not caught on tape because they'd stopped shooting for the day.  And they call it "reality" television?

        Meanwhile, as "Big Brother 4" winds down, TV Guide reveals that more than 200 real people are involved round the clock in producing the show, even though sexy contestant Erika observed while washing some windows, "Big Brother - we're the crew and the cast!" She also said, "Where did everybody go? Oh, wait - we kicked them out!"

        Also, the houseguests are each paid $750 a week for their participation whether housebound or sequestered. But only one will get the $500, 000 prize.  And it's not going to be me...

        Meanwhile, back in Bang Kwang Prison in Thailand, the inmates will be producing and hosting their own "in-the-big-house" cable TV station to "reduce tensions."

        Prison Official Somboom Madtramud added, "We will select good-looking prisoners with good personalities."  And send audition tapes to "BB5", no doubt.

     "If you cast real people, they come with a life-like quality." ~ Bill Nance on crowd casting, "Good Morning America"

ADRIFT AT SEA

         True stories from a cruise ship employee forwarded by Magic Mike:

        A lady asked if this elevator went to the "front of the ship" while two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door.  When asked if they needed any assistance, one asked how they were going to be able to "reach way up there to push the button for their floor."   

         At their first on-board dinner, someone asked, "What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?" And a lady sitting by the pool asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh water or seawater? The cruise director answered, "Sea water." "Oh, that explains why it's so rough today," she observed.

        And a man always asks, "does the ship run on generators?" to which the Cruise Director usually responds, "No, we just have a very long power line running to the mainland."

        There was some mix-up with a woman's room so the purser asked, "Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?", "Well, it looks like it might rain today," she replied, " I'd better get an inside cabin."

            "Indian casinos are a new way to scalp people." ~ Melinda Peterson

MUSIC TO MY EYES

        Adagio Formaggio: To play in a slow and cheesy manner. AnDante: A musical composition that is infernally slow. Anti-phonal: Referrin to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall. A Patella: Unaccompanied knee-slapping. Appologgiatura: A composition, solo or instrument you regret playing. Approximatura: A series of notes played by a performer, not intended by the composer.

        Bar Line: What musicians form after a concert.

        Concerto Grossissimo: A really bad performance. Cornetti Trombosis Disastrous: entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians exit hastily down the stage stairs.

        Dill Piccolino: A wind instrument that plays only sour notes.

        Fermantra: A note that is held over and over and over and... Fog Hornoso: A sound that is heard when the conductor's intentions are not clear. Frugalhorn: A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.

        Gaul Blatter: A French horn player. Good Conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance. Gregorian Champ: Monk who can hold a note the longest.

        Kvetchendo: Gradually getting annoyingly louder.

        Molto bolto: Head straight for the ending.

        Opera buffa: Musical stage production by nudists.

        Spritzicato: Plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).

        Tempo Tantrumo: When a young band refuses to keep time with the conductor. Tincanabulation: The annoying or irritating sounds made by extremely cheap bells.

        Vesuvioso: A gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.     

  "When you think about the violin, it goes between your head and your heart, and you need both to play it." ~ Collector Michael Ferril

CATALOGUE HELL REDUX

        More essential gifts from "Handsome Rewards":

        Household Clamp Sets, Faucet Socks, Handy Anywhere Table, Non-scratch Telescoping Snow Brooms, "No/No Bird Feeders, Lighthouse Blankets, Rolling Shoe Towers, Silicone Toe Caps, a multi-purpose Pole and - a Stress Turtle. (Giftwrapping is extra.)

    "I'm Bi-sexual: I'm usually by myself or I have to pay for it." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

$19.57

        If we were able to travel back in time to say 1957, here's a conversation we might overhear... "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter? And if cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.  A quarter a pack is ridiculous. Besides, no one can afford to be sick any more, ay $35.00 a day to stay in a hospital."

        " If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help. But there's no sense going away anymore for a weekend; it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel. I'll tell you, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."

        "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.  Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.  And have you seen the new cars coming out next year?  It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one."

        "Well, I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business. I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters, now.  The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

        "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.  They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas." "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

        "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work. And kids today are impossible. Those ducktail haircuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls. I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in 'Gone With The Wind', it seems every new movie has either hell or damn in it."

        "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year, just to play ball?  It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."

        "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.  I sometimes wonder if we're electing the best people to Congress..."

    "It's as if everyone now realizes they're a part of the city, so nobody wants to destroy it." ~ Ex-cop Marvin Goldston, on the Big NY Blackout

RUM OFF THE CUFF

        An excerpt from "Pieces of Intelligence: The Existential Poetry of Donald H. Rumsfeld" by journalist Hart Seely:           

                "I haven't been briefed on it.

                I'm not knowledgeable about it.

                Anyone who is concerned ought not to be.

                Anyone with any concern

                Ought to be able to sleep well tonight.

                Nothing terrible is going to happen."

     "If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver" ~ El Fiendo

REALLY OLD JOKES

        Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other,

        "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."      

        Meanwhile, back in the nursing home, a little old lady was running up and down the halls flipping up the hem of her nightgown and yelling "Supersex."

        Spying an elderly chap in a wheelchair who couldn't avoid her, she flashed him and once again cried, "Supersex!!"

        He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup

  " If you mixed vodka, tomato juice and Geritol, would you get a Tired Bloody Mary? ~  El Fiend strikes again

ROMEO ET JULIETTE

        Previews have started for the sexy and edgy "Romeo and Juliet, 1836, Antebellum New Orleans" in the Theatre @ Boston Court in Pasadena. We open Friday and Saturday, the 12th and 13th of September. (It's a 99-seat space!!!)

        Tickets can be acquired on the net at www.BostonCourt.com, but if you want a nifty postcard, let me know and I'll send you one.

        You'll have til the week before Turkey Day to fill up one of our seats, so sign up now!

Once the show begins its Wednesday thru Sunday run, I may have time to read and respond to all your email...Sorry if I seem to be neglecting you all, but my time at present is very limited and "the show must go on!"

        As is the Antaeus Mid-Summer Benefit this coming Sunday! I'll be rehearsing, but I know it'll be a blast as it was last year.

   "The Society of Mutual Autopsy was formed in 1876 to prove that the soul does not exist." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

GO FOR IT!

        Crossword clue 26 across is "Many a Firesign Theatre skit":

             "Hope your LABOR DAY went ADORABLY ~ X-Word Meister Merle Reagle

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2003 by Phil Proctor
Published SEPTEMBER 3, 2003